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post #15 of Old 10-07-2013
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Re: A mistress?

Originally Posted by krisscross View Post
It is called 'psychology', not a scam...
My mother's name is "Maureen"
My father had 3 boats over the years:
"Reenie Won"
"Reeine Too"
"Reeine Three"
I suppose it worked...

But seriously, this topic is near and dear to my heart.

I LOVE to sail (duh look I'm here even when I cannot be on my boat)... Well, from the time I was 11 until I was 26 and met my first wife I sailed. I did so on various boats as crew for my father in great places like the Chessie and Barney in NJ.. and on several small lakes... I also owned a sunfish and a snark of my own.

My first wife didn't understand sailing but wasn't really against water sports... she loved motorboats. Well I worked her up to getting a Capri 14.2 for myself, that she could sail with me on, and we'd see if she liked it. I had lots of great pictures of the boat on our maiden voyage, and that boat was a riot to sail. I suppose she didn't like it much, but was OK with us getting one as a friend of mine had a Holder 14 that we could sail "with."

She wasn't big on letting me go sailing alone and wasn't real big on giving up her schedule for her and ME to do it. So I relented way to often and I managed to get roughly 1 sail in a year with the boat.

Later the baby came and then I was 100% dad (and loved that part), but found myself as the parent 100% of the time when I was home (not working)... cooking and taking care of the little one, and even did cleaning too (luckily she did stuff like bathrooms and laundry or the marriage would have ended abruptly there, sorry I hate laundry)... I worked roughly 75 miles from home and was in IT, so my hours can be whacky, due to upgrades and the like, so 55-60 hours dedicated a job that wasn't really 9-5, left no time sailing at all when I was DAD for the rest.. Again, I love my daughter, and am glad I had that much time with her then (regret I don't have it now, but that's another story).

We moved (farther - still another story) from work for me, to upgrade our house/land (actually build our own house) in a nice development near the ex's folks with 2 acres of property... for some reason (that I cannot figure out even today), the wife was jealous of the boat... it wasn't allowed to move with us. Unfortunately it wasn't stated as such at the time, but somehow it managed to wind up at my sister's house (who also sails), so she could sail with her son/husband. Ok good cause and I figured my sister would purchase it, or upgrade, or I would upgrade so I wrote it off... Are you seeing the incrementalisms yet?

Flash forward because I've taken ALL of your time too much... Divorce counseling had determined that she was jealous of ANY time I spent doing anything I loved. That it was seen as me not loving her. This isn't unusual but it IS indicative of insecurity. Now I'll let the REAL doctors weigh in on how you fix that... but I'll tell you now that this was a symptom of a larger set of insecurities about herself and our marriage... and I realized that I am not real good at the stifling that was going on.

Flash forward some more. My new wife is about as polar opposite as you can get. She's got her own hobby that fortunately she lets me share in. I recognize her want to do it, and love to join her in it. She's passionate about her sport, and therefore gets my addition to mine. She's 100% behind me in my sailing addiction, having fronted me the cash while we were dating to allow me to purchase my first keelboat, then supported me when I had a whacky plan to sell my 22 footer and purchase my 25 footer all in a weekend that included 1100 miles in driving (even found me a hotel to crash at between boat sale and purchase).

My point in all of this? All people need to have a hobby, something that they can put their focus on... a spouse that takes that as "hiding" or not "loving" them in some way (or creates a never-ending honey-do list), is one that isn't working in a healthy relationship... Just my opinion of course. They need to understand your passion even obsession with it some and allot/allow time/money to be sunk (sorry probably poor choice of words given the subject) into it with the knowledge of the greater good (your mental health) that would come from it.

Our housework suffers a lot (we both work and we both play, housework suffers, and our little 1600 square foot modular winds up with a house cleaning service because of it)... because Spring and fall are HER hobby, and late spring all summer, and early fall is mine. She hopes that I don't move my boat to warmer waters because if I do wintertime might come into play for sailing more for me, and NOTHING would get done around the house by us!

I should note that my present wife isn't as much a sailor either (will go with me from time to time of course), but she's not against ME sailing 2-3-4 times a week.. she just puts her focus into HER hobby while I do (training dogs, or riding horses)!

For the record, we still have more money tied up in HER hobby than mine, which is why she rarely balks at me spending money on the boat... The cool part is I could easily spend LOTS on a boat, well into a new 30 footer, and still not hit how much we've spent together on hers... so we're good!

Just saying, talk it out with her, make her understand this drive you have to do this, and she'll get it... and if she doesn't, well, you might have other issues going on.

1983 WD Schock Wavelength 24. Production boat limit tester, blue-water bucket owner, with wine taste on a beer budget.
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