Now for my best one......
A couple of years ago, I was at sea working on the USS Pinckney (DDG 91). It was 2330 and I was ready to turn in. I went aft to check on some of the other contractors and while I was back there decided that I had to use the head. On U.S. Navy Aegis destroyers, the male berthing areas are usually odd numbers (e.g., "Berthing Area 1") and the female areas are even numbered and usually labeled "Female Berthing Area" too. I vaguely remembered from another ship that Berthing Area 5 was one or two decks below me. so down the ladder I went in search of the head. Sure enough, there was Berthing 5 and in I went. I found the head in the dimly lit area and proceeded to "relax". A short time later, I heard the door open and someone enter. A moment later, someone else came in and began to speak with the first one.
You know that moment of disbelief you feel immediately after an auto accident? That's what I felt when I realized that the voices were female. So here I am in a female head, that I entered after transiting a female berthing area, at night, and there are women in there with me. My blood pressure spikes, I'm looking at the overhead and bulkheads for an escape route, and one of the females says "Did you see a guy pass through? One of the civilians" The other one say no, and the first says "Poor guy, must have been lost." and leaves. At this point, I'm praying for the ship to sink, or at least for the woman to get out and NOT to be like my wife and take an hour to get ready for bed, or worse - take a shower. I have a mortgage and am way too young to retire.
I figure that my only option is to make a run for it, so I put one hand on the stall's door latch and the other on the vacuum flusher. I hit the button - "WOOOOSH!!", and out I go. I fly for the door to the head and then for the door to the passageway. I run up the ladder and fly down the mess deck p'way as fast as I can. At some point, I figure that if anyone looks, they can see me since the p'way runs nearly the length of the ship, so I cut over to the other side of the ship and continue my run. I finally get to the bow and my ladder 3 decks down to the forward gyro area. I enter the combo to the cypher lock and I'm safe! At that point, I break into mad-dog-psycho laughter. When I calm down, I realize that they probably only saw the back of my head and my sneakers so I wore a hat for the rest of the underway and a different pair of shoes.
The whole next day, I was waiting for the lead civilian (an ex-Master Chief) to tap me on the shoulder. In the mess, I swore the every female was staring at me ..... and not because I'm hot (see my previous post).
I'm such a screw up..........
Sabre 38 "Victoria"