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It also depends quite a bit on whether you are running or close-hauled. The latter will usually be more wet and dramatic, while the former will be "rolly" with only the occasional wave overtaking the stern and splashing over the transom.
I agree that you should experiment with a young crew or two and the correct harnesses, teathers and jacklines. Start in 20 knots and three foot seas, and chuck life rings and hats in and see how well and quickly you can "save" the hat. Then try it with a live human if the water is warm and otherwise safe.
I find that a few practice COB drills at the beginning of the season really help me refresh my boat-handling skills in a seaway. This in turn gives me the confidence to tackle bigger waves and more wind, which, after all, makes the boat go.
An alternative tack is to crew on a bigger boat that races in heavy weather, and to gain confidence in that way.
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