Hello, thanks for calling the USCG. For english, press 1...
Thank you. To better serve you, we have changed our menu options. Please listen carefully.
For a SeaTow DSC radio
check, press 5.
If you are calling to report an illegal marine sanitation discharge, press number 2.
If you are calling to report a vessel in distress, press 00000!!!
If Your vessel is in peril, you have called for an offshore dustoff, you are carrying give/take $50K on your person and are ungrateful that your CG came to your assistance but didn't assist you in quite the way you want to be assisted... please hold.
If you consider a fanny pack to be the height of nautical fashion, Sheldon says, "Bazinga!"
If you have the time to listen to this menu, maybe you're really not in too much trouble, and you should get off the damn phone and help the rest of the crew pumping, fixing or whatever it is that needs to be done on your boat that obviously isn't sinking.