Could she sail the boat if necessary? - Page 13 - SailNet Community
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post #121 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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Pressure cooker!

Sailing is supposed to be fun and relaxing, a recreational activity that allows one to escape the daily grind!

But it also involves command and control of a small space, with some risk of injury or damage to property.

Every couple applying for a marriage license should be encouraged to spend a week together aboard a small sailboat on a voyage. If you can live together happily on a small sailboat, you can live together happily in a much larger house.

People stupidly get married for the wrong reasons (romance, passion, infatuation), and forget about some of the simple ones: being respectful, good roommates to each other, supporting each other, and helping each other through life.

IMHO, a couple who are having basic problems functioning together as a team or partners on a sailboat are most likely having control and domination issues. All the sailing lessons in the world will not solve those kind of unresolved problems. In addition, a marriage must have some serious problems if one of the partners decides to disregard the implied covenant of confidentiality and privacy to expose that kind of marital conflict (not a sailing problem) on a public forum for input by strangers. Have you noticed we never hear from the other spouse? Most of these folks need marriage counseling.

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post #122 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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Hi James,
I thought you were being a bit heavy-handed earlier, and reading a little too much into the names partners have for each other.

This most recent post is far more reasonable. :-)

The differences between 'sailing partner' and 'sailing partner who happens to also be my spouse' do run deep. It's true.
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post #123 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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I don't recall the OP ever mentioning problems in his marriage. Go re-read the first post. Sounds like a divorce lawyer hijacking a thread for his own means. This thread has become a platform for a divorce lawyer to be permitted to make personal attacks based on his assumptions and then preach about marital problems and counselling. I thought this was called "ambulance chasing" in the US?

Everybody knows it is difficult to live in a small space, and/or travel, with a partner so lets disregard that hijack. bchaps didn't mention anything about his marriage, nor ask for advice in it. This is a sailing forum and he asked five simple questions.
Quote:
Am I asking too much?
should I just drop to my knees and thank the Good Lord she is willing to sail with me and help in all the ways she does?
should I be concerned for her well being if "the big one" nails me?
What do you do?
Can your First Mate sail/dock the boat?
My answers would be
No; Yes; Somewhat (after all is said and done, you are responsible for yourself and her well-being, she is responsible for herself and your well-being) As long as you do your best to help her help herself, the rest is her decision; I try to find someway of helping her enjoy sailing so that she will choose to motivate herself to learn; No.

I think the above questions are not gender specific if it's the women (or girl) that has decided sailing is her thing. Also, it would be amazing to hear from the other side of the coin, if you really didn't like to sail and your partner encouraged you to get involved do you think that was asking too much? Should they have just been glad you are out there? Do you expect them to be concerned for your well-being? How did they handle the situation? And are you presently able to sail and dock the boat by yourself?

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Originally Posted by jameswilson29
Have you noticed we never hear from the other spouse? Most of these folks need marriage counseling.
Once again, this is just trolling with rubbish and rhetoric. The assertion is flawed in many ways and can be explained by realising a spouse who is not interested in sailing (and in my case, not interested in technology) will not choose to spend time on a sailing forum on the Internet. I haven't read any posts from James' wife. I suspect the majority of attached sailnetters only have one spouse on here.
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post #124 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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Originally Posted by JordanH View Post
Once again, this is just trolling with rubbish and rhetoric. The assertion is flawed in many ways and can be explained by realising a spouse who is not interested in sailing (and in my case, not interested in technology) will not choose to spend time on a sailing forum on the Internet. I haven't read any posts from James' wife. I suspect the majority of attached sailnetters only have one spouse on here.
Still sore about the "girls" remark (you spent a lot of effort defending yourself, which reveals how seriously you took it)?

It is difficult for me to relate to your point because I would never expose private matters like marital relations on a public forum, so I can't imagine how someone who has violated such a basic trust issue would convince his or her spouse to jump in and participate, as useful as it might be.

Some of the screen names appear to be joint/couple names, i.e. chrisncate, so it is possible a disaffected spouse might jump in on one of these discussions.

Perhaps you have some experience in this area you would like to share?
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post #125 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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Originally Posted by jameswilson29 View Post
Still sore about the "girls" remark (you spent a lot of effort defending yourself, which reveals how seriously you took it)?
Sore? No. Although I am annoyed that I responded to your trolling remarks; If I had scanned through your other threads/posts before hand, I would have written off your comment without a second thought - shame on me. My last woman/girl comment is tongue in cheek. But, since you don't know me I can see how you could jump to another false conclusion.

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Originally Posted by jameswilson29
It is difficult for me to relate to your point because I would never expose private matters like marital relations on a public forum,
Once again, this isn't an issue of marital relations. You're still looking at this with your work hat on. Replace it with a sailor's cap and you might get it. The OP has come to seek advice from a group of people that have likely faced the same issue. "Hey, I have < insert problem >, maybe you guys have a better solution?" It's why the forums are here. The process works as long as threads don't get hijacked.

If you don't have constructive input but are interested in the thread then lurking is a good option. If you aren't answering the questions or providing helpful feedback then the thread delves down into useless posts like this one and the question and answers are lost; Future sailors will inevitably find this thread and have to scan through pages of this rubbish before they find an answer. I've asked this a number of times, so here's another request: Please get this thread back on track.

If you are unable to relate to or help with the OP's original questions, perhaps you can contribute by suggesting new and better ways. Have you ever successfully (happily) taught your wife or close partner a new skill? If so, how did you do it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jameswilson29
Some of the screen names appear to be joint/couple names, i.e. chrisncate, so it is possible a disaffected spouse might jump in on one of these discussions.
There are definitely a few examples; But it's not a majority and not a valid argument or sufficient cause for asserting that the rest need marriage counselling.

Quote:
Perhaps you have some experience in this area you would like to share?
If by "this area" you mean, in an area that is not related to the thread, then feel free to start a new thread or PM me and ask me your questions directly.

Last edited by JordanH; 02-08-2012 at 01:44 PM.
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post #126 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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Quote:
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Sore? No. Although I am annoyed that I responded to your trolling remarks; If I had scanned through your other threads/posts before hand...

It's why the forums are here. The process works as long as threads don't get hijacked.

If you don't have constructive input but are interested in the thread then lurking is a good option. If you aren't answering the questions or providing helpful feedback then the thread delves down into useless posts like this .... I've asked this a number of times, so here's another request: Please get this thread back on track.

If you are unable to relate to or help with the OP's original questions, perhaps you can contribute by suggesting new and better ways.
Wow, Jordan, I did not realize you were a moderator, telling members how they should participate on the forum, according to your limited view of it.

You sound like the socially clueless spouse I referred to earlier in the thread. In fact, not every marital sailing thread reveals a marital conflict, but this one and the one by Wifey do. I am not going to spend the time to explain to you, word by word, and line by line, how they are different, but if you study the language and think about what must be communicated in order to post the thread, in other words - read between the lines, you may be able to figure it out.
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post #127 of 138 Old 02-08-2012
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What I hate is hitting the closed hatch while wearing a ball cap, that little button on the top can really hurt and draw blood. Of course, the peak prevents you from noticing the hatch is closed.
I *hate* that. Although, we don't have a hatch on which to leave open/closed, I have hit my head many times because of ball caps in the same way. One way to avoid it is to give up the ball cap in favour of a dorky Tilley hat. Outside of the better sun protection, they also have a foam top which cushions the blow on those hatch/head meetings!
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post #128 of 138 Old 03-06-2012
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Re: Could she sail the boat if necessary?

Relationships!

Wow - now I am really glad I read through all the posts. On reading the initial post I thought, Yes this is me - a sailing wife who sails to be with her husband but no desire really to learn to sail. And this realisation has materialised after 17 years of trying to sail but really not "getting it" and subsequently after all the shouting etc the realisation that you really actually don't want to sail anymore but unfortunately circumstances will dictate otherwise.

But then Jameswilson29 comes on and talks about not airing maritial problems on a public website. He is right but what if you have absolutely no one to talk to as you are cruising with said partner who is causing you distress and as it is the sailing or your non-active participation which is causing the problem and you need to talk to someone who sails but you know no-one close enough to email who will know exactly what you are talking about then a website with fellow sailors who may have found themselves in the same situation is where you will look for help. I realise that submitting your problems on the site will open you up to possible ridicule, cold hard advice that you may not like but maybe, maybe there might be that one person who knows exactly where you are coming from and may be able to give a little support - to say that they can empathise and maybe be able to give a little advice on what to do then I think it is worth it.

I think it is really all about feeling that you are not the only one in the world with this problem. Knowing that other people have gone through the same issues and survived helps. Someone also mentioned that the website should only be about sailing but surely sailing is about your relationship with your boat and your crew which in a lot of cases is your spouse - why should only the relationship with the boat be the one talked about?
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post #129 of 138 Old 03-06-2012
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Re: Could she sail the boat if necessary?

Rule #1..never talk about Fight Club...

"Might as well take 'er out...If anything is gonna happen...It's gonna happen out there..."
"Captin Ron"
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post #130 of 138 Old 03-06-2012
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Re: Could she sail the boat if necessary?

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Originally Posted by sailorswife View Post
Relationships!

...
I think it is really all about feeling that you are not the only one in the world with this problem. Knowing that other people have gone through the same issues and survived helps. Someone also mentioned that the website should only be about sailing but surely sailing is about your relationship with your boat and your crew which in a lot of cases is your spouse - why should only the relationship with the boat be the one talked about?
Brava!

Welcome to Sailnet, sailorswife. I hope you stick around long enough to get to know us (and feel comfortable enough to tell us your name). Perhaps you can even teach some of these hardened guys a thing or to or at least give them something to think about to make them pause the next time they open their mouths to yell.

Since you said that you read through this entire thread, you are indeed a brave soul for posting anyway. I am not in your position on our boat and I suspect the women who are and read this thread will probably not contribute but sometimes it only takes one pebble to start the avalanche.

Be that as it may, Sailnet has as members some strong women sailors who are willing to help their sister sailors, whence the reason for the HerSailNet forum was started even if the men do lurk in the shadows before jumping out at the unsuspecting (and contribute here more than the women). Just don't forget that we're here and we're out there. We don't always entirely agree with each other, but we have no problem disagreeing in a respectful manner that I hope certain men take note of.

Three that come to mind who I know have reached out to sailors on the water and have provided me with a lion's share of inspiration are wingnwing, melrna and Denise. I hope to be them when I grow up.

So welcome and I hope you stick around. When you get the required number of posts feel free to PM me if you have sailing questions or concerns or fears you want to air and don't feel comfortable bringing up before the peanut gallery. If I don't know the answer, I'll know who to ask.

Donna


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Last edited by DRFerron; 03-06-2012 at 02:48 PM.
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