Couples living aboard how goes the relationship - Page 8

wingNwing · #71 08-07-2012

Okay, I've never met "Tim" or "Lauren." I've also never met a person of good character (of EITHER sex) who would split from a spouse/S.O. because their everyday living conditions lacked luxury. OTOH, I've met several who split because the partner essentially blew off what they said was important, are you sure that's not what's going on here? Not that they had a composting toilet or insufficient hot water, but that the marriage was fundamentally asymmetrical, his priorities were addressed and hers were scoffed at?

DougSabbag · #72 08-07-2012

This was the original post which started this thread:

"I'm looking to live aboard in a few years with my wife. We will be empty nesters and would love to hear from other couples that are in the process of moving to the lifestyle or have been living aboard. How has the stress of the change and limited space affected your relationship? What stories do you have you wouldn't mind sharing with us. My wife and I have a very strong relationship and we complement each other very well. Hopefully living in such close quarters all the time won't change that. One more thing, has anyone seen a sailboat not 70 feet or more that has a Queen/King size berth one thing that would make the transition easier for my wife, I tend to be a bed hog maybe because I’m 6’2 and not small."

Then I suppose post #21: "If the marriage was solid on land, if you can talk respectfully about differences and work toward a solution without blaming each other or disrespecting each other's priorities -- then your marriage will be just fine in a small boat. If you had problems on land, they're only gonna get worse in tight confines."

.... answers this posters' question: "How has the stress of the change and limited space affected your relationship?"

Answering with: "I never ever again wanted to start my day by saying goodbye to Dan and heading off to our (separate) jobs."

.... is a more romantic value to ponder...

What about his question: "...has anyone seen a sailboat not 70 feet or more that has a Queen/King size berth..."?

I could answer that with a CT 56, or a GulfStar Sailmaster. Perhaps others have some more vessels which come to mind?

And to his point of: "...that would make the transition easier for my wife..." I would return to my answer that size does matter. :-)

DougSabbag · #73 08-07-2012

Quote:

Originally Posted by wingNwing

Okay, I've never met "Tim" or "Lauren." I've also never met a person of good character (of EITHER sex) who would split from a spouse/S.O. because their everyday living conditions lacked luxury. OTOH, I've met several who split because the partner essentially blew off what they said was important, are you sure that's not what's going on here? Not that they had a composting toilet or insufficient hot water, but that the marriage was fundamentally asymmetrical, his priorities were addressed and hers were scoffed at?

Yes, he didn't sufficiently respect her to address her needs.

And her needs were for the simple, basic comforts which most humans expect. She was not having fun camping out anymore.

So, yes, their split was over a basic lack of equal respect, but that was exasperated, (brought to bear), by their spartan lifestyle.

wingNwing · #74 08-07-2012

Ayup, we need king-size sheets for the v-berth on our 33. 'Cept, they're a little too short to cover the bunk completely.

So it's more about what the boat's designer prioritized, than size per se.

DougSabbag · #75 08-07-2012

Hailing: Daytona 49!

So, have we provided anything of value to answer your question(s)?

I'm still dying to describe how to power a Splendide washer & dryer while out to sea..... :-) (solar panels, 2 banks of batteries, one for charging while using the other, and a pure sine inverter)

SVAuspicious · #76 08-07-2012

Doug circled us back to the OP, a fundamentally good thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayton49

How has the stress of the change and limited space affected your relationship?

I moved aboard in 2006 when I was single. I did the best I could to "buy forward" toward a future relationship. Tough when you don't know what the priorities of someone you haven't met yet might be.

I've had three women in my life since then (the current one for five years) and can say I did okay as far as the boat is concerned. Boat stuff those ladies liked included a relatively fast boat, ability to entertain, not having to climb over one another to get in and out of bed, the electric toilet (a big winner by the way), and a "two-butt" galley.

All that is just stuff. More important is listening to each other, paying attention to one another and disparate needs, and giving each other space to be ourselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayton49

has anyone seen a sailboat not 70 feet or more that has a Queen/King size berth one thing that would make the transition easier for my wife, I tend to be a bed hog maybe because I’m 6’2 and not small.

Queen and King vocabulary don't translate well to boats. My aft berth is called a centerline queen and has been plenty roomy enough for me, but it doesn't measure out to a US standard queen sized bed. It's wider (mostly, narrows at the foot) and shorter. Be suspect of such characterizations. When you find a boat you are serious about I'd cut some craft paper to the size of the bunk and see if it works for you. I love my master berth but suspect you might not unless you sleep curled up. The difference between 5'10" and 6'2" could be a big deal.

copacabana · #77 08-07-2012

Quote:

Originally Posted by DougSabbag

"We don't live aboard...."

And that makes all the difference in the world.

My wife and I do live aboard a boat. 24 X 7 X 365 X ?

And when you are limited to no other "home" then we'll see how much, and for how long, you will put up with the "roughing it" lifestyle which is quaint and fun for a weekend, or even a week long vacation cruise.

And we live in New England. Where heat is a life or death issue at least 6 months of the year. Then, during the winter, condensation will turn into mold; so you have to address that.

There is a huge difference between living aboard, and having a boat as a recreational vehicle.

This thread asked about the implications of living aboard for a marriage, i.e., a couple.

And not to be mean, but, I really don't think someone who has a land based home can debate the value and importance of the "amenities" with someone who truly lives aboard a boat.

If you were 100% living aboard a boat then you would probably likewise understand the difference therein. And then you would appreciate that it is worth doing what you can to earn the equipment and the bigger vessel, to be able to remain a happy couple onboard.

However, in the bigger picture of life, I will likewise agree to "just agree that
people are different and have their own needs. "

Fair winds!

There you go again making assumptions about what everyone wants. When I said I don't live aboard it means I have a house as well. When I'm aboard, I'm living aboard. I don't run to the house to heat up soup or use the blender. Not owning a house won't change the reality of living on my boat. Try to understand... We made a conscious decision to keep our boat smaller and simpler so we wouldn't be bogged down with boat chores. We wanted more freedom. We could have bought a 60 footer but we didn't want to. Maybe the OP needs to know a bit more about what is implied by buying a 60 footer with a washer/dryer, genset, etc. etc. You asked for a woman's view and I told you my wife's view: she doesn't want a complex boat. We have everything we need to live in total comfort, including a composting toilet! (and my wife asked for it!). Doug, let's chill out and recognize there is more than one way to skin a cat here. Comments like "it's human nature to want more" is just wrong.

meljabro3 · #78 08-07-2012

My wife and I are liveaboards. We've bought our boat Jan 2012 and we love it. We prepared for the lifestyle by paring down to basic needs and wants and moved into a studio apartment for a few years before moving onto a boat. The hardest things for us to cope with are organization in this space(a 30' Hurley sailboat) and alone time. Because living aboard is so much more inexpensive we don't have to work full time jobs about 2-4days a week for each of us. We schedule opposite work days a during the week so we can each enjoy the boat and it's space alone. I think the real challenge will be when we start cruising next year.

ellenwhite2 · #79 08-07-2012

This is for the original poster (? OP in Sailnet lingo?)

First! My qualifications: I am female. AND I have lived aboard a 37' sailboat for just over a year. AND, most importantly, neither my husband nor I is seeking council of a divorce attorney.

My 2 cents worth: Take the sailing lessons you mentioned in an earlier post. Do it together and decide together if this is something you BOTH want to persue. If you don't both love it, explore other options. Sail as often as possible in as many different boats as possible. Then, when you are ready to buy, buy the SMALLEST boat, that has ALL the features you deem necessary and desirable. This is absolutely one instance where smaller is better! Trust me on this! I'm by no means expert, but have owned a few boats. In my opinion, anything bigger than 50', you may as well take a cruise ship. And leave the washing machine at home.....just my opinion!

Minnewaska · #80 08-07-2012

My wife seriously thinks our boat is too big. Specifically, she hates dealing with the fenders. Cracks me up. I know she really loves the boat. The 12" fenders are a pain.