Women and Cruising

[sailnetmallory]

Sue and Larrys article on Women and Cruising brings up a subject many of us who love to sail and dream of cruising contend with, how to talk her into it. It goes without saying that making the commitment to go cruising for a year or more is more than just a notion. In my opinion, the longer you wait the harder it gets. Thats why, at 24, a co worker and I decided to take an early retirement from Sailnet and cruise for a while. We had little money but more importantly had no debt.
My wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, listened to us plan the trip for over a year. I asked her to come along now and again but never pushed too hard. One day she offered up that she might want to come along. Great, lets do it!
So, she began to get her ducks in a row. The first duck was telling her Catholic parents from Indiana that she was going to set sail with her boyfriend and his buddy a few months after graduating college. Yep, that went over well, especially when you add in the fact that her mother doesn't even swim and has bit of anxiety over the whole ocean scene. I was definitely not on their top ten list at this point.
Either way, we worked out all the details and went sailing. Two years later I asked he to marry me and before I knew it we were returning to Charleston. I guess I should have waited a little longer to ask her as I didn't realize life would be changing so quickly. She enjoyed cruising but had the urge to return to the mainland as her sister was having children and she missed being close to friends and family. Now it is not so easy to talk to her about going sailing again. She is worried about jobs when we get back, the house, etc, etc. All details that can be sorted out. The hard part, her parents, is not an issue any more and truth be known, we saw friends and family more when we were in the islands than we do now!
I'd like to hear the tales of your quest to make cruising a reality.

[GreatWhite]

When I hear you say that you might have married too soon, what I hear is that your ability to commit is conditional upon your wife's willingness to cruise. Not sure if that is what you are intending to say, but if it is, I could see your wife having issues. IMHO if your wife feels that she is first and your love and willingness to stay with her is the most important thing to you then she will be much more willing to follow and paricipate in your dreams and make them hers. Just my two cents.

[Livia]

For what it's worth, I hear the same type of statements from (primarily) men in the rock climbing community - how to get their SO to start climbing, or keep climbing, or climb harder, or travel to climb.

No easy answer but IMHO, you can't talk someone into a commitment or activity that intense. Again, IMHO in a really good relationship you can help someone figure out what their own barriers to the activity/commitment/lifestyle are and see if those are reasonable (e.g., I don't enjoy being away from my family so much) or if they are the kind that can be changed (e.g., I'm afraid).

...but if she already cruised for 2 years (if I'm reading your post correctly) and doesn't want to go back then it seems like she knows what it would really be like and isn't interested.

In which case it is a matter of two people needing to compromise between two different desires in a intimate relationship - tough work with no easy answer. Considered a counselor to provide structure for the discussion?

[Omatako]

I have been married to the same lady for 35 years.

We have an understanding about voyaging/cruising that has developed over the years.

My wife treats sailing like going to the movies. If she likes the title, she goes with me. If not she stays at home. Her choice entirely.

But importantly, she will not stand in the way of me doing a trip that she doesn't want to do. Except now it's a little more difficult because we're living abord so taking her home with me is a bit of a dilemma. I have done 3-month voyages while my wife stayed at home, no problems.

And if she suggests a trip of any sort, I go along with her unless there is a very compelling reason not to. Conversely, if she has a compelling reason why I should not be doing a proposed trip, we jointly decide that too.

This way we get a good mix of destinations for a wide array of objectives.

FWIW

Andre

[wind_magic]

If she is set on living a traditional "normal" life - i.e. mortgage, cars, pretty things, etc, then I don't know how you reconcile that with cruising. But if she is open to the idea of living a better life and not just a bigger one, then maybe these will help ...

The £200 Millionaire
The Richest Man in Babylon
Voyaging on a Small Income

Good luck.

[gypsywomen]

I would recommend reading "changing course" a womens guide to choosing the cruising lifestyle.

Both my hushband and I have read it together. Usually a chapter a night, then we would talk about the chapter and what we thought about it.

It gives great insight to BOTH men and woman, about not only the lifestyle but the hopes and fears of couples thinking about the change. Also it is a great way to open up the conversation on a neutral ground.

Changing Course, A Woman's Guide to Choosing the Cruising Lifestyle

[knothead]

My wife, who had never sailed or lived on a boat in her life, let me coerce her, around the seventh year of our marriage to live aboard a 41' sailboat.
Good first step.
We didn't cruise, we had payments to make. But we took advantage of vacations, used the boat whenever we could, and she learned to sail. (I might have learned a thing or two also).

I think she may have even fell in love a little. With sailing....She was already crazy about me.

Eight years of payments later, we sold the 41 footer and put the money into a smaller boat which we could pay off.

My wife, having never sailed off shore for any length of time, agreed to sail with me to Florida.
Pretty good next step.
We sail to Florida. We're cruising. It was a life changing experience.

We stop in Florida. I'm going to get a job, work for a year or so and buy some new stuff for the boat. Then we'd K.O.S.

Next thing I know, we have a house, a business. and we're going to church every Sunday.
I started feeling trapped. I started resenting my life.

What I was failing to consider was just how much my wife had been willing to give up for me.
It didn't register how much she had changed her priorities so that I could achieve my dream.

So, it was my turn.

I settled in to a land based existence again. I started assuming the mantle of responsibility that was rightfully mine.

And someday when the time is right, I'll be cruising again.
The boat is paid off and seaworthy.

Everything in it's time. Don't keep score.

[NauticalFishwife]

Sometimes the shoe is on the other foot-so to speak. I've been married to the same wonderful guy for 36 years next month. Our sons are married to wonderful women-we do not have grandchildren, as of yet! My husband and I both love to sail. We both have several thousand miles of offshore sailing and that has been a great experience for both of us. We have a home in Missouri-he is not retired, has a solid job that he's very good at. We keep our boat in Annapolis, MD. A bit of a drive, but I live on board from March - Nov and we both fly back and forth. When he comes to the boat I have everything ready to leave the dock and we're off. We return after 7 days, he flies home and I clean up and work on the boat. I'd love to take a year off and cruise. He just isn't ready to leave his job-he's not comfortable with that. We treasure our time on the boat. OUR time to sail, explore, and discover a depth in each other I think some couples lose after 36 years together. We project that in 3 years he will be able to take a month off at a time. Until then, we wake up everyday grateful for our health, each other, our family and our boat. So cruise for a week, a month, a year or a lifetime. Be grateful ....make it work.

[camaraderie]

Mallory...
What is up with you? You have made 5 total posts to this board. Each post starts a thread where you ask people for comments on some subject and yet you NEVER reappear on the threads you start.
Is this some kind of sailnet.com game to encourage posting or are you sincerely interested in participating. I notice Ephman doing the same thing. Orders from on high or what?
My view: This is a community of sailors...a two way street. If you aren't interested in the answers...don't ask the question. What say you?

[Giulietta]

CAM...YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!