Sometimes, I wonder what I get myself into. Today was that 70 degree day that I hoped would BE THE ONE (meaning I would get "Hello Gorgeous" slipped into her new home.)
That guy who says "You can just call me David", answered one of my frantic calls.
I was seriously trying to get a hold of Frazer, as I was having a mental breakdown. Instead he pretended he was, and instructed me to head down to Dock D at the Edmonds Marina, where he told me his offices were. I should of known something was amiss about this, when he stated the directions and said, "Do NOT get into the Ferry lane as if you do - there is no return from your condition. I won't be able to help you."
So, I literally engage the super charged 2 gallons per minute tricked out commuter car and blast up the highways. I am scared, confused, dis-oriented, and possibly hungry.
You all know that feeling, of the sinking in -but hasn't sunk in far enough of : "Damn, why did I go do that. 500% bigger, better, and more able than what I can handle. But I had to show off my inadequacies 1000 fold, because the fear of doing it all right is only eclipsed by, the knowing that what you are about to do is about to make you the poster child for 'forget they were with us'."
I miss the turn, and left my notes on the back seat of the jet car, which doesn't have a top because I had to sell the top to pay the taxes and license fees. You know for the new to me and oh I didn't actually purchase - the supposed upcoming challenger to Guilleta in the "2099 Whose Speed Meter shows the most knots over 100 Showdown". So now I am lost. I guess doing 80 mph on the highway to make a doctors appointment - paper in the back seat has no obligation to "stay put". And the phone rings.
Its Frazer whom asks me to call him David.
"Yes Dr Frazer ahem David", I answer.
"You almost here?", he asked.
"Yes Dr. David, I just passed some ferry lines.", I replied.
"Good because your first task may be to get me gas, as I ran out. And you are very close, what kind of car do you drive."
Knowing that paying a celebrity like Frazer (though why did he keep asking me to call him David), was gonna be almost as much as what I paid for my boat. I got nervous, because I assumed he had a Hollywood car like a Hummer, and bingo - I would get trapped for another $1000 dollars.
So, I lied, and said, "I am driving a Vespa - No gas for you"...
Frazer err David was disappointed, but instructed me to proceed as he was interested in this particular session. He said he would be the only one on the docks pushing a wheeled gas tank.
I arrived. And indeed, I spotted him, pushing a something - but the gas tank was weird. It had hoses and pull start on it. And something else struck me as fishy - he had hair and a bit of a beard. Didn't look like the Frazer, but decided that would assume maybe that since Frazer no longer had sitcom stresses to deal with - his baldness was cured or so. But I was getting all nervous and distraught again...even more so when we get to the gas docks and I realized that he filled that tank up and he reflected, "Hmmm only 48 cents... I thought it would be more than that."
For a moment I was relieved and before I could give him my spare change down the docks we go...
Frazer has a boat - a bigger one than mine. It wasn't a office of any sort that I could make out. I kinda stood there dazed and confused. But David, asked, "You know I need to clean the office up a bit - why don't I start this thing (what looked like an odd gas tank that costs only 48 cents to fill) and you clean up topside on the stern / aft side. "
I guess a boat could be an office.
So, this things sprays water and I am wondering - so that gas / water miracle engine does work. I spray a bunch of stuff. It almost felt like work - but it was therapeutic! I begin to feel better and maybe this David - Frazer person is the real McCoy. I actually scowled instead of frowned for the first time in 24 hours.
Then David leaves to take the miracle engine away as he is afraid someone will steal it. Instructs me to become one with his office. Remove this, tend to that, you know what to do - pretend like you are getting ready to get your boat ready for a sail.
It seems like 3 hours, 19 minutes but its really only 3:19, but I am not positive as my watch is stuck at that time and some phrase comes to mind: "It's 3:19 AM - and a call comes. Do you know where your boat is".
Kinda freaky and maybe why I am glad for the first time in my life I am seeking professional help...
I get atta boy, and more instructions but I feel like I am going into a trance. And soon - we are out in the water. Sails go up, and I become fascinated that this is like reliving sailing in Elliot Bay. You know that feeling, when the sun feels 70 degrees and its a gorgeous day - but not even a whisper of wind...day in day out - one wonders why they even buy a sailboat sometimes.
I begin to get agitated again, even with the doctors soothing voice and encouraging words. Then he states - "You know why don't we cheat a bit with your treatment."
"Cheat?" I reply.
"Yeah, I am hungry and its part of the session. You drive and have to buy us lunch. It'll relieve some of your pain associated with the monetary lapse of judgment you recently have had."
So we do this as I am possibly hungry to, but in the final positioning - almost get knocked down AND NEARLY capsized by the 4 inch wake of the Ferry, that rudely crossed in front of us after blasting its horn.
"Damn must be a New Yorker taxi driver at the helm of that thing", I exclaimed.
We tie up and eat. We come back, but the doctor is delayed by some bodily errand he has to run (maybe putting more die in his hair - those guys can be finicky about appearances I hear). He arrives at the floating office now known as boat. I find that I wished this session would be over because I wanted to nap after eating fish and chips, and drinking the pitcher of beer. Alas, my treatment is now in full gear!
Lines are tossed and Dr David Frazer instructs me, "This boat is yours. You must constantly go through the actions of docking, and remember you have a wide beam".
Forward, reverse, neutral..give it power, no reverse, no forward, stay in straight line were commands I heard in my head. It was all getting confusing as suddenly Somali gunboats are appearing everywhere. The only thing I knew was there is safety at the pier. A warship barrels down up us at one point as I try to steer in reverse. Yet, David, is cool calm and collected with the exception that his shirt is stained with water from the armpits to about his belly. But he continues smoking his Havana and exclaiming, "Please son, do not ram the pier - I have three unpaid mortgages on this fine vessel!!!"
Somehow - even though, we never rammed anything - it was pretty hairy and I was more scared of damaging this revered Hollywood actors / real life psychiatric professionals vessel than I would of taken pride in - if say I would of taken out a few fingers of the dock.
AThe session is over sooner than it begins and it is now 3:19. Its back into open water with porpoises and otters guiding us in - almost a movie like scenario. Suddenly I was no longer afraid, confused, or hopeless and definitely not hungry. I was gonna go home. Frazer allowed me to pull it into slip.
He ties it it up and I ask, "What do I owe for this session?"
"Nothing - I never knew this office could move in water. I should pay you instead. BUT I am not getting the royalty checks I used to. No TIP for you..."
I drop 48 cents into the kitchen sink as I leave. As I realize maybe this was more therapy for him after the show canceled and all (and felt bad about the royalty thing and that he had to pay for that new traveler he got with his office).
We part ways, me refusing a lift to my "Vespa". I didn't want him to know that it was jet powered super car, afterall he didn't know his office could do anything but be be an office.
P.S. Thanks David
I feel more confident now! You are to be awarded (sometime in life I guess) for volunteering use of your boat for what could of been sacrificial(to your boat) docking lessons for me... so glad I wasn't in my usual form! I would hate for Pollard to post the images of the carnage as I suspect they would look worse than that of a 2005 Bennetaue for 24K if they would of popped up on YC..