Cleanish sailing jokes wanted - SailNet Community
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post #1 of Old 08-30-2010 Thread Starter
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Cleanish sailing jokes wanted

during the summer I filmed these guys

YouTube - lady yacht club 3 of 3

from the Lady sailing club - on the Norfolk Broads - men only - I have been asked to propose the toast at their annual dinner

I am after some sailing jokes I can use

anu suggestions chaps


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post #2 of Old 08-30-2010
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I'm blatantly ripping these off from David Luckenbach's website:

Gordon died, so Susan headed to the newspaper to place an obituary.
"Gordon died," she said to the clerk. After offering his condolences, he asked what she wanted to put.
"Put 'Gordon died.'"
"That's it?" he said. "This is an entire life we're remembering. We really should put something more. If it's cost you're worried about, the first five words are free."
Susan thought about it for a moment, and said, "Okay then. 'Gordon died. Sailboat for sale.'"


A charter captain lived his entire life at sea. Every morning he would go to his locker and remove a small piece of paper. He would read it, nod, and carefully put it back in his locker. His crew never asked him what was written there, assuming it was a prayer for safety. When the captain finally died, his crew was preparing to bury him at sea. The first mate thought it would be appropriate to read the piece of paper at the service. He brought it up to the deck, and unfolded it:

Starboard = right
Port = Left
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post #3 of Old 08-30-2010
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Four sailors on shore leave.

Three of them walk into a bar.

The fourth ducks.

(sorry)

Andrew B

“Life is a trick, and you get one chance to learn it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Nation

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post #4 of Old 08-30-2010
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How do you get a rat out of the windward scupper?
















Turn the boat around.

!! WARNING !! The above information is to be used by intelligent people only. If you are Stupid, could be considered a moron, or otherwise. You are instructed to disregard this information and seek the help of a licensed and bonded professional.
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post #5 of Old 08-31-2010 Thread Starter
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well one usable joke is better than none I guess

Thanks chaps - although at this rate it will be a pretty thin speach

D


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post #6 of Old 08-31-2010
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Take responsibility Dylan

Dylan, I believe the issue here is not with the quality of jokes submitted but rather it was you. You severely limited us by requesting "cleanish" sailing jokes. I think that stumped most of us.



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well one usable joke is better than none I guess

Thanks chaps - although at this rate it will be a pretty thin speach

D
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go on then talk dirty to me

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Dylan, I believe the issue here is not with the quality of jokes submitted but rather it was you. You severely limited us by requesting "cleanish" sailing jokes. I think that stumped most of us.
just no rude words is all

Dylan


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How about this?

Many of them are tired old lubberly jokes uselessly converted to a nautical theme. Some are fun.

Also this one:

A sailor awakes one morning at anchor to find a gorilla sitting in his spreaders. Not knowing what to do, he puts a PAN-PAN out on channel 16. Moments later comes a response:

“Gorilla Removal Service on 16, can we have your LAT/LON please?”

He gives his location, and within moments a bright orange 30' RIB with twin outboards roars into the anchorage – carefully slowing as it approaches, so as not to upset the simian in the rig. The sailor steps cautiously out of the companionway to tie the rib alongside. The Gorilla watches.

After a quick introduction, and the painful “Yep, that's a gorilla,” the Gorilla Removal Technician (GRT) begins handing things up to the sailor from the RIB. First comes a 10 foot (3m) graphite pole. Next is a 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, followed by an enormous set of handcuffs. Finally, the GRT hands up a bright orange crate with 'FRAGILE' and 'CAUTION' printed over every side, and climbs aboard himself.

The GRT opens the crate, and out steps a Chihuahua. The small dog circles the crate twice, sits down, and stares up at the gorilla.

“OK, so here's the plan:” says the GRT. “I will climb up your mast, and poke at the ape with the pole. When he falls from the mast, this dog is highly trained to fearlessly go right for his groin. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, we clap on the handcuffs, and away we go!”

“Wow,” replies the sailor. “you must do this a lot!” Then he looks at the shotgun. “So what's this for?”

“Well, I need you to hold that. If I fall off of the mast before the gorilla, I need you to shoot that dog.
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post #9 of Old 08-31-2010 Thread Starter
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now that is a good one - and might just pass muster

excellent

Dylan


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post #10 of Old 08-31-2010
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The problem I found was that every sailing joke I know is so old and tired that I'm sure you would have heard them a thousand times before....however a couple of hoary old favourites..


Holmes and Watson were on a sailing trip. They had gone night sailing and were lying on the deck looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini!"

Bloke meets an old salt down by the docks. Notices the salt has a hook , a pegleg and an eye patch.
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard, a shark bit my leg off."
"What about your hook"?
"Lost my hand in a sword fight"
"Andthe eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye,"
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,"
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Andrew B

“Life is a trick, and you get one chance to learn it.”
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