‘twas the night before Christmas and out ‘cross the Bay
Old Santa was sailing, he’d traded the sleigh.
The reindeer were field-dressed and hung by the fire
Roast venison dinner to pique PETA’s ire.
The jolly old elf drew his sheets all in tight
Close-hauled and heeled over he streaked through the night.
When what to his twinkling eyes should appear?
A barge under tow full of whisky and beer!
He gybed and he tacked and he eased the main out
He cranked the wheel hard as the boat came about.
The prize lay before him: the bottles agleam
He threw out the fenders as the barge came abeam.
A flip of the stern line, the boats were secure
St. Nick was no novice: he’d done this before!
He laughed his great laugh, rubbed his hands gleefully
Much better than chimneys and milk and cookies
He leapt o’er the lifelines as spry as a cat
The only sound made was the bell on his hat
He crouched as he crept ‘cross the old wooden boards
A jolly, fat shadow slinking to his reward
He stretched out his fingers to grab the first bottle
The silent night fled to the sound of a throttle
The deck came awash in the glare of floodlights
And uniformed men held the elf in their sights
“You pirate! You villain!” the coast guard man cried
“Give him one to the head, then over the side!”
“Wait! Wait!” called out Santa. “Do you know who I am?”
“I bring Christmas cheer to kids of all lands.”
And then came a titter and soon a guffaw
The laughter exploded into a great roar
“We tricked you, Old Fellow!” the guardsman called out
“I know you!” Saint Nicholas cried with a shout
His elves stood around him and grinned ear to ear
And Santa, relieved, drank his third or fourth beer
“I’ve been punked that’s certain” he thought to himself
“I’ll get you next Christmas: each xxxxsucking elf!”
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