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  #21  
Old 01-10-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jameswilson29 View Post
This couple needs marital counseling, not sailing lessons.
I have to agree. This is not a sailing problem so much as it is a communication problem.

As for whether such suggestions should be made in PMs... the OP is the one who decided to air the marital issues in a public forum.
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  #22  
Old 01-10-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifey View Post
Hello, new here.

I love that my new husband loves sailing. He is a down to earth person that finds Pleasure in lifes simple and beautiful things. I adore him.

So when he said he wanted to drive to america to bye a second sailboat, i said okay.

I have experience on a hobbie in lakes, small dinghy in lakes, and power boats on the sea - single hand in all of them. He has experience as first mate on large boats on the ocean. I thought we would be okay.

The trip was rushed, we were underpressure, and low on experience to be sailing a 25 footer over a large distance in changeable fall weather. First day out we put up the sails and i immediately felt over my head. I shut my mouth and told myself it was okay. Some heavy gusts heeled us over past my already not-so-comfortable comfort level. I said "okaythis is too much for me." graciously my husband said "okay, no problem." then something unfortunate happened - he almost accidentally gibbed the boat, me standing by the compannion way. The only thing i could do was scream at him to stop, realizing he didnt see his mistake.

Later in the trip, the exact scenario happened again, this time under more sail, with the same outcome - me screaming.

Before we left he said he would be happy to motor the whole way, he just wanted to pick up the boat. After the second incident, i was dead set on motori g. When he asked me on a relatively calm day if we could put up sail, i said no. I felt bad but i was exhausted, afrAid, and had lost confidence in his ability to keep me safe. He reacted poorly and was angry i did t want to sail. His ego was hurt that it wasbecause of turnIng the wrong way.

I let him push me to sail under conditions that i felt unsafe in, then he did something that endaged me, then got angry when my boundries became stronger.

When he talks about us sailing together now, i dont know what to say. I know if he wants tosail in conditions i dont think we can handle, and i say as much, he will get angry - but now im in a place where i dont care. If he cant move at my pace, and slowly build my confidence in saili g and my trust in him, id rather be on solid ground. I cant seem to make himsympathetic to these feelings and fear i will miss him for years of our marriage he spends sailing solo.

Advice?
I'll be totally honest with you. Purely from what you write (especially the bold part) it sounds to me like, yes, he screwed up. But you screwed up too. (Just like things usually are in marriages).

He screwed up with the sailing. That's definitely not uncommon. But, on the plus side for him, he was trying to be accommodating to you afterwards by offering to motor, etc. The bottom line seems that he just wanted to be on a sailboat...with you. And that's cool.

As for your screw up, you're the one with sailing experience. It sounds like you just shut everything down and screamed at him because of his screw-ups (and your fear), as opposed to teaching him.

Quote:
The only thing i could do was scream at him to stop, realizing he didnt see his mistake.
Sure I understand you were afraid, but that approach never helps things. You obviously already know this.

Granted, I have no idea what his (or your) personality is like - and whether he would be a good or bad student. But it does sound like you have a few things that you could definitely teach him if you could do it as a "buddy" and as a team.

The bottom line is that you love this about him:

Quote:
I love that my new husband loves sailing. He is a down to earth person that finds Pleasure in lifes simple and beautiful things. I adore him.
But you fear this about him:

Quote:
If he cant move at my pace, and slowly build my confidence in saili g and my trust in him, id rather be on solid ground. I cant seem to make himsympathetic to these feelings and fear i will miss him for years of our marriage he spends sailing solo.
So it seems that it's something you need to take the initiative on. In my opinion PCP nailed it. Buy both of you some very good sailing lessons. It would be a great way to overcome your fear, while taking it slowly, and teaching him to be a better sailor (while learning a few things yourself)...AND you'll be doing it together, as a team.

Otherwise, singlehanding starts to sound better and better.
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Last edited by smackdaddy; 01-10-2012 at 09:21 AM.
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  #23  
Old 01-10-2012
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  #24  
Old 01-10-2012
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Just got in over his head and was not prepard. Bought a new boat and wanted to get it home. Conditions did not allow for a nice easy sail home, simply should have postponed for the right weather window but ego got a hold of him and he said weather be damned, I can handle this. Not good. Knowing your limits is as important as knowing a bowline.
All the other talk is not what this dscussion is about if you ask me.
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  #25  
Old 01-10-2012
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Originally Posted by LandLocked66c View Post
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Actually, that looks like Chuckles. I've got a luxurious mane...and don't look like Chuckles.
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  #26  
Old 01-10-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smackdaddy View Post
Actually, that looks like Chuckles. I've got a luxurious mane...and don't look like Chuckles.
You both live in Texas, coincidence - I think NOT!
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  #27  
Old 01-10-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifey View Post
...

my new husband ...
Bingo.

Your experience has been sailing solo, both literally and metaphorically. Now you are sailing as a team, and, just like your husband, and sailing a bigger boat in open water, this is all new.

Too much new at once can be hard to handle, and it sounds like you had more new than you could chew.

Reading your tale, I see communication and compromise issues more than sailing issues. Both you and your husband did not communicate effectively, and you could not compromise. On your part- how are you supposed to become comfortable sailing with your husband when you refuse to let him raise the sails on what you yourself acknowledge was a calm day? On your husband's side, anger is not an effective communicating tool.


Work on communicating, and take lessons together. Alternately, if you have a local racing fleet, both of you should sign on as crew for beer can racing. It's a great way to learn more about sailing, and, perhaps more importantly, about yourself.
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  #28  
Old 01-10-2012
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Let me jump in here. Not that I have any great revelations.

My wife and I are about to buy our first boat. A Hunter 22. I have experience in Lasers and Hobie's only and haven't sailed in ten years. My wife has never sailed. We will be in sailing an inland lake so I'm not as worried as I would be out in a bay or gulf where things get rough. Anyways, like I said. I am pretty confident in my personal abilities but I know that I am not qualified to teach my wife. Maybe a buddy but surly not my wife. The marina where we will keep our boat offers certification and my wife is all about having certifications. I figured that even though I am confident that I could handle these inland lakes it will also boost her confidence in me if we take advantage of the class.

I could see something like this happening to us just because we are both strong headed but I would never let my ego endanger her safety.

My wife and I do everything together and I'd rather take the long route to many joyful days of sailing than the quick route to our outings turning into stressful times for us both. The point to sailing is escape, relaxation, and great times.
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Last edited by Lflowers230; 01-10-2012 at 10:02 AM.
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  #29  
Old 01-10-2012
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Here's another way for us to look at this situation. Read the original post and reverse the sexes, i.e. the wife bought the boat and insisted on sailing it right away, with perhaps not a lot of experience, and the husband says 'all I could do was scream at her"....bla bla bla.

I think the general reaction, at least my reaction would be, DUDE...why didn't you participate and assert yourself a little here...and stop whining.

Kinda changes the perspective.
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  #30  
Old 01-10-2012
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Last edited by LandLocked66c; 01-10-2012 at 11:44 AM.
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