I dont feel safe with husband onboard - Page 6 - SailNet Community
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post #51 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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Originally Posted by tommays View Post


Good thing it was not windy

Its not like you were never on a sailboat and lacked any awareness that a boom could hit you on the head ?
Holy Crap! That's some stink!

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post #52 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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I'm a bit dissapointed in Sailnet in how quickly this thread went negative and downright nasty. This place isn't Sailing/Cruising Anarchy...and I wouldn't be here if it was or becomes like that board.

Here was a newbie wife sharing her opinion...and it all boiled down to name calling and insults.

If we keep scaring off genuine newbs, this board will suffer the same fate of many sailing clubs that became all about posturing, bravado, and arrogance. I was glad to finally see a thread that wasn't about "what boat do I choose" or "Is $500 enough for a bluewater cruiser" or the umpteenth "Is a Catalina suitable for ocean passage". This was someone that had an experience and wanted advice. But we scared her off. Quite simply put, I hope we dont end up like all those clubs...fading into irrelevance because of a haughty attitude. We can do better...
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Last edited by night0wl; 01-10-2012 at 01:24 PM.
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post #53 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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Actually what was described (now deleted) sounds fairly typical for essentially limited experience sailors in a new boat on what I think may have been a fairly demanding delivery although I don't know the area.
There is a big difference between crewing on a boat with a limited role under supervision and direction and taking full responsibility oneself.
The issues seem to be 1. Building competence. Training, practice in good conditions and time will build this.
2. Fear. This is not unusual. It tends to dissipate with confidence in the boat and in the competence of oneself and the crew captain. One needs to start in benign conditions, which are not threatening and build experience and competence. Gradually one's comfort zone extends. Prudence such as early reefing and watching the weather help. It can be disabling as you found, and its existence needs to be acknowledged and worked with.
3. Stuff will go wrong and mistakes will be made. Often. With experience in good conditions they will become fewer and you become used to correcting them. I mean things like jib sheets being caught, or even accidental jibes.
Cooking is an analogy. Ever burned something or left out an ingredient, or had to ask advice? Should your husband never eat your food in case?
I am not entirely sure about near accidental jibes. If they happen they are fast. If he was just going into a position where this was a possibility, a caution suffices. Yes duck or keep your head out of the way of the boom and an eye on it. They can happen, and are best avoided, but don't inevitably bring the rigging down.
My final suggestion is don't catastrophise either when sailing or over this issue. Simply you are scared, you want both of you to be competent and safe, and a way or plan to ensure you can enjoy sailing together. Relationships often involve resolving issues.
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post #54 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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Deleted as I see it right now. Given that her husband would rightfully feel betrayed by this public flogging, she probably did the right thing.
Well, after reading the whole thread, I get the picture. Yes, nice trick Wifey. Hopefully you and hubby will work it out. Sailing is fun, but it still scares the crap out of me. I hope to gain more confidence this year.

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post #55 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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So is this why women don't comment on sailnet?

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post #56 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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So is this why women don't comment on sailnet?
Haha...yes...for alot of reasons...however...this particular woman won't post here again because she came here looking for ammo in a power struggle...and didn't get it...so she took her ball (or maybe his) and went home.
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post #57 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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Yep, took her whatever and went home. Unfortunately for her, some of us here quoted her posts so she's stuck with the results. Shame she gave up and bailed so easily...

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post #58 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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Didn't have the balls for it I guess...

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post #59 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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Yep, took her whatever and went home. Unfortunately for her, some of us here quoted her posts so she's stuck with the results. Shame she gave up and bailed so easily...
I would like to think that she actually saw her behavior in a new light and wanted to go back and edit her posts to appear better. When she discovered it was too late because she had been quoted, she deleted all posts and bailed.

If they stay together, I hope she and her husband will both learn to honor and respect each other, which does not include posting your private marital difficuties and disputes on a public forum, exercising total control over an activity at your spouse's expense, humiliating and/or yelling at your spouse for no good reason, acting contrite and trying to play the victim when your behavior is exposed on a public forum, then trying to shift the blame to those who exposed you, etc., etc...

She purposely chose to include details about her conflict with her husband and her exercise of her control over him, then solicited general advice from the group.

Don't tell me she did not receive exactly what she asked for.
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post #60 of 157 Old 01-10-2012
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I think her husband putting her in a situation that is beyond her comfort level points to a flawed individual that deserved the screaming/scared reaction that he got. Being on a undersized/underprepared sailboat in bad weather is reason to *FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE*...and people do what they can do to cope...even if its coping badly. There is more than enough blame to go around here.

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