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post #41 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

Originally Posted by PCP View Post
well this is not about sailing but about marriage...

If someone let go something that is really important that regret is going to bit hard on your life and it will be the sub-conscious motive for a lot of bitterness that will poison your relationship and can even end with your marriage...

As a twice-married divorce lawyer who talks to many spouses about their marital difficulties, I believe Paulo has nailed this one. Tread softly, this is about your SOUL and your right to independence in your legal union. A spouse who strangles her spouse's soul ends up in marital unhappiness and eventual divorce.

You are trying to rationalize the cost as reasonable recreational expense. As some have pointed out, you will never succeed with that approach. There is a hidden agenda here, perhaps your wife's belief that you should be bringing in more income or that you need to pay more attention to her needs and less to your own.

Sailing is a fundamentally impractical and unnecessary expense. You need to communicate to your wife what this really means to you, including the irrational dream that your father passed down to you. You also need to discuss the idea that although you are married to each other, each of you has the right to an independent life within that relationship. You might both be happier with some independence from each other.

It could be a control issue and you can either submit or detach. Marital counselling is always a good idea to save a marriage. I hope you are able to solve this problem.
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post #42 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

a. My wife has learned I am much easier to live with if I get a certain number of hours of play. I will also work harder, without complaint.

b. We look at the boat cost as a part of our vacation spending. Air fare and lodging at a decent resort in a far away place put a pretty fair dent in the wallet too, and yet time spent someplace special with the kids can generate lasting memories too.

---Yup, it's always about choises. Yet we've passed the 20 year mark because we each get to make choises. When I was younger and had smaller finances I had smaller boats, now a bit more, but I wouldn't regret moving back down much and probably will when I get tired of the bigger boat.
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post #43 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

Find a friend who wants to sail, have them share expenses with you. Voila! Find 2, sail free. Find 4, start building up an account for an upgrade. get friends you enjoy being with and sail together! If she doesn't like sailing, and then is bitter you are having fun weekends, the kids will enjoy the weekends dad has visitation...
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post #44 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

"After my father passed 4 years ago at 61 I decided that if i keep waiting for the right time to own a boat, I might wait forever. He died never setting foot on a sailboat and always dreaming of doing so. I also want my children to know the freedom of sailing." -ABH3 Boyer

Based on what you wrote here, I don't think you have a choice. This is not about your wife. This is about you and the water and, frankly - dreams and mortality. For what it's worth, I am the same and will do what I have to do. God chose to make us a sailors and we will sail. So sail. Apologize if you have to, but sail your boat. We will all be dead soon enough and then it won't matter.
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post #45 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

Originally Posted by jameswilson29 View Post
As a twice-married divorce lawyer ....

You should know better.

I love a quote by a colleague of mine who is in his seventies: I didn't know what happiness was until I got married: then it was too late.
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post #46 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

maybe a part time job to make the slip fee money.
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post #47 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

Originally Posted by ABH3 Boyer View Post
Now I have about 5 months to get her to change her mind on this or were going to have a seroius disagreement.
You're going about this the wrong way. Your goal shouldn't be to get her to change her mind, it should be to show her why you enjoy sailing like you do and how knowing sailing can enrich the lives of you, her and your kids.

Taking the family away from all the electronics, creature comforts and distractions we now think are an every day part of life and spending some real quality time together is a great goal. Your time together will become much more enjoyable and fulfilling than any time you can spend ashore.

That your wife objects to the expense tells me she's not getting any enjoyment from the boat. Why not? You need to find that out, the real reason, not just the finances. If she's not coming with you when you sail, you need to figure out a way to open her mind to coming. You also have to show her the joys of sailing and that doesn't mean criticize her because she's not seeing it like you are. You can start with a weekend in the harbor and a little putt-putt along the shore at night. Very romantic! Whatever you do, do it slowly and pay attention to how she reacts. Don't force the issue!

If you sail without her, do you ever take the kids? If not, you should. Even if you never leave the harbor, you will enjoy a lot of quality time with them and get them used to the boat. And if they enjoy that time, your wife will see it and maybe be more open to joining you. Even if she doesn't, you will give her some free time to do what she wants while you have the kids. Women appreciate that. Even if she's completely turned off by sailing, she'll recognize the boat as that place you take the kids enabling her to get her R&R.

The boat has to bring her some pleasure or she'll never be able to justify the cost.
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post #48 of 116 Old 10-23-2012 Thread Starter
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

The boat is a 26 foot Lugar. I can trailer it and launch it but setting up the mast every time I wanted to go sailing would take an hour out of a 4 hour sailing trip. I live only about 10 minuets from lake Erie. I got the boat for free and overhauled it with the proceeds from the sale of my last boat. As far as making extra money to pay for it I have already made arrangements for that. I'm a carpenter and have enough side jobs already lined up to finance it in full. The problem is that there is always something else that we need and dock fees fall very low on her list of prioritys. Our children like sailing but the wife dosn't. She was a fan of the power boat when we were moving but dosn't like the motion of a sailboat. I havent been able to get her out for more than a few hours and she definately dosn't relax while were underway. I think it might even be a controll thing with her because she dosnt become physically sick and shes not afraid of the water. She was a life guard for many years and can swim circles around me. I also spend money on nothing else. I'm the kind of guy that will wear a pair of shoes until there are holes in them.
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post #49 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

Ok the rest of the story. Don't sail ddw or to close hauled both will make someone new uneasy. Get her to steer helps with control issues. If someone starts to look green the first thing I try is to give them the wheel, this usually works for the nervous types.
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post #50 of 116 Old 10-23-2012
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Re: can I afford to continue sailing

ive never seen blocks on the tack of the jib what do they help with?
Good for knocking out unsuspecting crew too.

As per OP: Don't concentrate on the cost per sail. You will never win that one. Look to reduce costs as much as possible, and either save money elsewhere or make slightly more money.

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