On board conflicts

[SeaPeach]

Thanks, Jeff, for your thoughtful posts! Too bad they are buried in an area on these boards that men are sure to avoid. LOL

One of these days I hope to sail with a man again. I think I''ve been lucky enough to crew for men who were helpful and WANTED to teach me how to do stuff!

I really enjoy being a first mate. (Any takers in Seattle out there?)

Ummmm, please don''t suggest joining the Seattle Singles Yacht Club. That''s a dangerous place!

[SeaPeach]

Marie Blomqvist --

Your book sounds great! I hope it will be translated into English. Do you think that Swedish men are easier to sail with than American men? I understand that there are fewer attitudes there, and that Swedish men consider their women more equal than American men.

[danaa]

Marie -

I know of a couple of things that can be huge conflicts.

1. Keep the boat clean and well ventilated. This includes keeping the bilge and engine clean and periodically washing all bedding, etc. I have heard of conflicts arising because the boat is just too dirty and smelly. I am a fairly messy person, but I keep my boat spotless. I want my wife to be happy about getting on the boat while we are on the approach and staying on the boat after a week. Believe me, it can get very rank in the cabin if you are not diligent.

2. Another big one is a skipper that does a lot of yelling. This is totally unacceptable because in takes the joy out of sailing. A skipper should stay calm and cool, and not put him/her self into a position where yelling is necessary. If you want your wife to enjoy the boat and stay on the cruise, don''t yell at her!

[MaryBeth]

I know this board has not had a response in months, but, hey, I can''t help it.

For years I served as second crew on delivery yachts until I got enough experience to be first crew. For the most part the captain (my lover) and I had men as first crew. After my 9th or 10th voyage, I realized that many of these men had not had as much offshore experience as even I had. Some poor souls were even seasick for days, if not the entire voyage. In cases like that, I have to admit my maternal instincts took over and i did take over their cooking and maintenance duties if they were that badly sick. (Of course, if anyone had been unable to eat, etc., we would have had them airlifted, but thank God that never happened.) But I noticed discrepancies in basic knowledge as early as my third voyage. I always handled it the same - let the person know that this or that needs to be done, they always did it, whether it was something they needed to do while I attended the helm, or something I needed to do while they attended the helm, or a 2 person project. I never, ever had a problem with men following my directions. If anything was questioned it was in a matter of fact way, and once I explained the task was done. Albeit I never waited until there was an emergency situation that needed immediate attention, but still... (And where would you charter that was so filled with life or death emergencies on such a consistent basis?)

The most trouble I ever encountered was trying to direct a female crewperson. I inveritably got a "Why?" or an "I''ll do it in a minute". While we would get along fantastically during the rest of the voyage, they would always balk at receiving directions or suggestions from me. This I don''t understand, as in the days before the voyage you grow close to the people traveling with you. Even since becoming a skipper (no shame, great pride in that monaker) I found it much harder to work with women than with men. Women always question my judgement, while men (haha) "do what they''re told". I don''t understand some of the experiences on this board, as they seem to have been the exact opposite to mine. But - I have never, ever raised my voice to anyone onboard save once, when I was crew on a yacht going into Cleveland yacht club (for the first time, and after dark) and the skipper was headed straight for the rocks and was involved in a conversation with a guest in the cockpit as I was on the bow trying to give directions. I have to admit I did holler before we hit the rocks, but I think that was excusable.

Best of wind,
MaryBeth

[marubin]

Hi Marie,
I am new on this forum but your topic is what I have been looking for. I am a reluctant wife of a sailor and we are having conflicts over sailing itself. I used to enjoy touring from our port in Slovenia down to the beautiful islands in Croatia. However, I have gotten very bored with the same thing every year for the past 11 that I have been with my husband. He works all year for this tour and I respect his right to do it - but I''m still bored. Not to mention scared to death when we get in certain bad weather situations. Our boat is 33 ft. so I''m guessing that we live in about 20 sq. ft. of space for 4 wks. each yr. I don''t know many couples who could do it. His ex wife (emphasis on ex) didn''t much enjoy the lifestye either so I''m thinking that because he managed to marry 2 women who have tired of sailing that there must me thousands more of us out there. After returning to our port each yr. and finding myself cleaning the boat for 2 days (in ca. 40°C. heat) and packing the car, paying a fortune to do laundry, etc., I always think, "Why can''t we just check out of our hotel and fly home like most humans do after holiday."
Some of the big conflicts on our boat have been solved such as the fact I don''t want to clean, cook or wash dishes on my holiday. I do that the rest of the year. I do pitch in when I feel like it but not often. I also sail the boat when I want but mostly enjoy being a, as previously referred to, boat bimbo. I would like a copy of your book when availabe and I am assuming it will be in English because you are on this forum. How can I get it? Please be sure to address the most important issue I have at the moment which is How to Keep Bikini Area Hair-Free With Limited Supply of Cold Wather? I''m serious!
Bye now,
mary ann

[Harper]

I am interested in how your book is coming along. I have been cruising for a couple of years now, just joined sailnet. As many of my comprades, I am looking for ways to avoid and-or resolve conflicts.

[abigal50]

Hi - thought this really interesting, We (two women) have been living aboard since July, but little sailing as still working on the boat. (Big mistake - took all the windows out and it''s taken forever to replace them!)

We''re in the UK, one of is British and the other a Kiwi.

We feel we are still learning about living together in a small space and certainly find tempers a bit shorter. I would really agree about finding ways to have privacy - this can be ''virtual'' as well as real - ie I''m reading now so leave me alone. And we both find yelling really annoying and upsetting, so we keep experiementing with little radios for those occasions when one of you is up the mast/on the foredeck (or on the other side of a 12ml bit of acrylic you are trying to install!)

One of the things we find really strange in the cruising community is how much it is ''he''s the skipper'' - with couples who would not dream of that on land. One of us is skipper for bad weather, and is much more comfortable with navigation. The other has less experience (and is less bossy) but is much better with all machines such as engines, heating, and even temperamental bits of rope.

Look forward to the book,

[noreaster]

maybe you might be you expect conflict with some men and creat your problum from the tension you give off becouse you are all ready prepairing for conflict their for might invoke it with tension or tone in your voice. but i will also say that their are some men and women that dont like taking orders from the other.