Just had a "break-through" with wife - Page 4 - SailNet Community
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #31 of 80 Old 04-05-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
 
sck5 is right

sck5 is right about first impressions. We men have a really hard time remembering just how foreign this whole sailing concept might be for our wives, and we have totally unreasonable expectations of her.

Maybe we grew up sailing, trimmed the main on our uncle's boat, took classes in college, or maybe we've just always had an affinity for all things nautical. She on the other hand might know how to swim, and that's about it. Show her the ropes? Teach her everything you've learned in a lifetime in the course of a month or two of day-sailing? Nobody (you or her) could live up to that.

Easing her into it and making sure EVERY experience is a positive one is the ONLY way to go. What will that take? Depends on the woman. Wishing or pretending she's something that she's not (right now) is where many of us go wrong. We get frustrated or are just too lazy to do what needs to be done.

We can't teach her ourselves, so we say "she's just not into it."

We run the boat without confidence and expertise and then we say she doesn't feel "comfortable" on board.

Saying your wife just isn't into it or is too soft for life aboard are lame excuses.

The next time you are out with your inexperienced or reluctant wife, pretend that she is a paying customer. She has laid down $500 for the experience of sailing with you for the day. She wants to participate-she's not just coming along as a passenger. Would you ever raise your voice or show even the slightest frustration with a customer? How about close-reaching with too much sail up? How about snacks on board? Cleanliness? What about music? Hot cocoa at the ready for the leg home? You bet.

If she were a paying customer; someone you really wanted give the best possible experience to, you would do everything possible to make sure she had the best time ever.

Now why don't you show that same level of commitment to your wife's enjoyment of the experience? Does she owe it to you to like sailing?

The real travesty in all of this is what eventually happens to the boat and to The Dream when he isn't able to get his wife on board. In time, he'll get frustrated. He'll either sail less or not at all. He'll slowly lose ground in the maintenance battle, and he'll come to grips with the reality in a year or two or ten. Then he'll sell.

Think I'm being dramatic? Surveys show that 90% of sailboats leave their slips less than 6 times per year. Go to a downwind anchorage in the Marquesas and count the single-handers (the real ones). You won't find many. The reason? The vast majority who end up living The Cruising Dream are couples in a loving relationship. You've go to get your wife on board, or you aren't going to go.

You and your wife, The Dreamers, are the most important part of this whole crazy dream. Silly how much attention gets paid to boat gear when the real engine of the dream is barely running.
nickokelly is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 80 Old 04-05-2010
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 41
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
 
Beautifully and lovingly written.
Dulcitea is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #33 of 80 Old 04-06-2010
Senior Member
 
sarafinadh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 210
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 7
 
Brilliant, Nick!

sara

ain't what ya do, it's the way that ya do it...
sarafinadh is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #34 of 80 Old 04-06-2010
Crazy Woman Boat Driver
 
Melrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: New Bern NC
Posts: 809
Thanks: 16
Thanked 17 Times in 14 Posts
Rep Power: 12
 
Send a message via AIM to Melrna Send a message via Yahoo to Melrna
Nick best I have seen written so far

Melissa Renee
Moondance
Catalina 445, Hull #90
Melrna is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #35 of 80 Old 04-06-2010
Telstar 28
 
sailingdog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 43,290
Thanks: 0
Thanked 14 Times in 12 Posts
Rep Power: 14
         
Unfortunately, yelling is sometimes a necessary evil. If someone is about to do something that will endanger them or the boat, yelling is often the safest thing to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nickokelly View Post
sck5 is right about first impressions. We men have a really hard time remembering just how foreign this whole sailing concept might be for our wives, and we have totally unreasonable expectations of her.

Maybe we grew up sailing, trimmed the main on our uncle's boat, took classes in college, or maybe we've just always had an affinity for all things nautical. She on the other hand might know how to swim, and that's about it. Show her the ropes? Teach her everything you've learned in a lifetime in the course of a month or two of day-sailing? Nobody (you or her) could live up to that.

Easing her into it and making sure EVERY experience is a positive one is the ONLY way to go. What will that take? Depends on the woman. Wishing or pretending she's something that she's not (right now) is where many of us go wrong. We get frustrated or are just too lazy to do what needs to be done.

We can't teach her ourselves, so we say "she's just not into it."

We run the boat without confidence and expertise and then we say she doesn't feel "comfortable" on board.

Saying your wife just isn't into it or is too soft for life aboard are lame excuses.

The next time you are out with your inexperienced or reluctant wife, pretend that she is a paying customer. She has laid down $500 for the experience of sailing with you for the day. She wants to participate-she's not just coming along as a passenger. Would you ever raise your voice or show even the slightest frustration with a customer? How about close-reaching with too much sail up? How about snacks on board? Cleanliness? What about music? Hot cocoa at the ready for the leg home? You bet.

If she were a paying customer; someone you really wanted give the best possible experience to, you would do everything possible to make sure she had the best time ever.

Now why don't you show that same level of commitment to your wife's enjoyment of the experience? Does she owe it to you to like sailing?

The real travesty in all of this is what eventually happens to the boat and to The Dream when he isn't able to get his wife on board. In time, he'll get frustrated. He'll either sail less or not at all. He'll slowly lose ground in the maintenance battle, and he'll come to grips with the reality in a year or two or ten. Then he'll sell.

Think I'm being dramatic? Surveys show that 90% of sailboats leave their slips less than 6 times per year. Go to a downwind anchorage in the Marquesas and count the single-handers (the real ones). You won't find many. The reason? The vast majority who end up living The Cruising Dream are couples in a loving relationship. You've go to get your wife on board, or you aren't going to go.

You and your wife, The Dreamers, are the most important part of this whole crazy dream. Silly how much attention gets paid to boat gear when the real engine of the dream is barely running.

Sailingdog

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Telstar 28
New England

You know what the first rule of sailing is? ...Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take
a boat to the sea you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps
her going when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.

—Cpt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity (edited)

If you're new to the Sailnet Forums... please read this
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

Still—DON'T READ THAT POST AGAIN.
sailingdog is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #36 of 80 Old 04-07-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
 
Thanks everyone. I just wrote a book on the subject, so the research and the words are in the front of my mind.
nickokelly is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #37 of 80 Old 04-07-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
 
Some men treat everything as an emergency.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailingdog View Post
Unfortunately, yelling is sometimes a necessary evil. If someone is about to do something that will endanger them or the boat, yelling is often the safest thing to do.
I agree with you Sailingdog. As captain, you must act quickly and decisively to keep people (then the boat) safe if danger is imminent. If that means yelling, you absolutely should and must. However, raising your voice (yelling) is universally recognized in interpersonal communication as a display of aggression or a loss of control. Either are going to make her feel uncomfortable on board the boat.

If the captain knows what he is doing, he won't have to yell. He'll be in control at all times (at or away from the helm), every action will be planned, and every operation will be executed without drama. No yelling required.

I certainly don't direct any of my criticisms at you directly, Sailingdog, as I don't know you.

I certainly have been guilty of making everything into an emergency myself. Our first cruise suffered for it. The boat was too big and I had too little experience. I raised my voice too often. We were both frustrated. We called it quits after one season of a five-year plan.

Miraculously, I got my wife to go cruising again. This time I bought a smaller boat and could thread her through the tightest and current-filled anchorage under sail alone. Made all the difference in the world.
nickokelly is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #38 of 80 Old 04-07-2010
Handsome devil
 
Stillraining's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: LaConner,Washington
Posts: 3,477
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Rep Power: 10
     
Nice post Nick!

"Go Simple...Go Large"

Relationships are everything to me..everything else in life are just tools to enhance them.


The purchase price of a boat is just the admittance fee to the dance...you still have to spend money on the girl...so court one with something going for her with pleasing and desirable character traits others desire as well... or you could find yourself in a disillusioned relationship contemplating an expensive divorce.
Stillraining is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #39 of 80 Old 04-07-2010
Just another Moderator
 
Faster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New Westminster, BC
Posts: 16,534
Thanks: 104
Thanked 310 Times in 300 Posts
Rep Power: 10
     
My wife and I went through the learning process together, with the help of a few experienced friends. She was not 'reluctant' but was certainly tentative to start and I recall many days when we poked our nose out of the harbour only to turn around and try tomorrow if the wind was beyond her threshold of the day.

But with caution and accommodation her threshold moved a bit higher each time and today she's a willing and able sailor who loves coastal cruising and all that entails. In fact she's happiest beating in 15-20 knots... go figure. In recent years she's become very relaxed in Caribbean island hopping type sailing down south.

I think the turning point that first summer was actually going on a week long cruise, with destinations and an objective as opposed to bashing around the bay.

In any event, 30 years, 5 boats later things are good, she still has her thresholds and I respect them (as we did this past weekend with, as it turns out, a good result)

Ron

1984 Fast/Nicholson 345 "FastForward"

".. there is much you could do at sea with common sense.. and very little you could do without it.."
Capt G E Ericson (from "The Cruel Sea" by Nicholas Monsarrat)
Faster is online now  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
post #40 of 80 Old 04-07-2010
Glad I found Sailnet
 
Bene505's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3,817
Thanks: 14
Thanked 51 Times in 50 Posts
Rep Power: 8
   
Quote:
Originally Posted by nickokelly View Post
Thanks everyone. I just wrote a book on the subject, so the research and the words are in the front of my mind.
OK, so where do we order the book?

Regards,
Brad

.
.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
.
The best minds discuss sailing (and a little bit of politics). I don't know why. It's a mystery!
.
Bene505 is offline  
Quote Quick Reply Share with Facebook
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

By choosing to post the reply above you agree to the rules you agreed to when joining Sailnet.
Click Here to view those rules.

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the SailNet Community forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
Please note: After entering 3 characters a list of Usernames already in use will appear and the list will disappear once a valid Username is entered.


User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Perfect wife..mine is...seriously Giulietta General Discussion (sailing related) 43 12-09-2008 02:43 AM
Will my wife and I be sad or happy with a Nauticat 33 or 38 or similar type? tartangreek Boat Review and Purchase Forum 41 11-18-2007 05:58 AM
First Boat Strategy - reluctant wife HELP??? hazmat17 Boat Review and Purchase Forum 17 10-02-2007 10:25 PM
US deports wife abuser back to Canada - Canada.com NewsReader News Feeds 0 09-29-2006 10:15 AM
US tries to deport man who beat, imprisoned wife on boat for years - Ottawa Citizen NewsReader News Feeds 0 08-26-2006 04:15 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome