Just had a "break-through" with wife - Page 6 - SailNet Community

   Search Sailnet:

 forums  store  


Quick Menu
Forums           
Articles          
Galleries        
Boat Reviews  
Classifieds     
Search SailNet 
Boat Search (new)

Shop the
SailNet Store
Anchor Locker
Boatbuilding & Repair
Charts
Clothing
Electrical
Electronics
Engine
Hatches and Portlights
Interior And Galley
Maintenance
Marine Electronics
Navigation
Other Items
Plumbing and Pumps
Rigging
Safety
Sailing Hardware
Trailer & Watersports
Clearance Items

Advertise Here






Go Back   SailNet Community > Out There > herSailNet
 Not a Member? 


Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #51  
Old 04-08-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
nickokelly is on a distinguished road
Some broad brush strokes here.

Sorry if I painted with too broad a brush here everyone. Of course raising your voice to be heard and of course raising your voice in an emergency are necessary. I don't think any reasonable sailor will disagree with those statements.

Regardless of the reason for yelling, the perception in interpersonal communication is one of either aggression or loss of control (most of the time, I don't think that aggression really applies in sailing). That goes for yelling "FIRE," as much as it does, "GET DOWN!" In a true emergency, of course raising your voice is entirely appropriate. If there is a fire on board or a wayward sheriff's boat about to run me down, you bet I want to know. However, if you are yelling this at me, I know for sure that you are not in control of the situation. That can be good to know.

My comments were framed in terms of making a hesitant or reluctant partner feel comfortable on board. I've been on so many boats where it seemed the captain encountered an "emergency" in every maneuver. Heck, I've done it myself many times when the conditions exceeded my abilities. My wife didn't like that at all.

I learned though, and they were expensive lessons. Now I treat the whole endeavor much more professionally. It's not about kowtowing to my wife's every need. It's about remaining in control, anticipating every maneuver, staying way ahead of the boat, having a plan and a backup plan. It is about leadership. I literally never raise my voice anymore. Yes, even in 45 knots. I reef early and often now. If I don't, it scares both me and my wife, and that makes her not like sailing.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #52  
Old 04-08-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
nickokelly is on a distinguished road
Yelling, shouting, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnRPollard View Post
It could also be a question of syntax, i.e. are we talking about yelling or shouting, and is there a difference?
Yelling, shouting, etc. I think the researchers mean using a voice with a higher volume than would otherwise be needed to be audible. Not sure about that to tell you the truth. Regardless, it conveys aggression or loss of control. I think emotions like anger are secondary. Again, I'm not an expert. I just did this research for a project.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #53  
Old 04-08-2010
sarafinadh's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 210
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 6
sarafinadh is on a distinguished road
oh honestly. stop it! This is silly.

Don't yell at your wife when helping her to learn to sail is common sense.

**** happens and when it does voices get raised is common sense as well.

quit nitpicking this to death!

sheesh...
__________________
sara

ain't what ya do, it's the way that ya do it...

Last edited by sarafinadh; 04-08-2010 at 05:13 PM.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #54  
Old 04-08-2010
NICHOLSON58's Avatar
Mark on Camper 58
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Grand Rapids Michigan
Posts: 195
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Rep Power: 6
NICHOLSON58 is on a distinguished road
I raced boats for about 30 years. I deliberately searched out a team known for even temper & known for not shouting. We trained and sailed together 3 to 5 days a week and took a lot of flags and relish trays. I do not recall any time shouting was required to convey urgency or for any other reason. We had pleanty of incidents that could have gone very badly but never required voice louder than necessary for communication. - Lost rudder, torn sails, near collisions, starting line malay, broken gear, skipper knocked off the boat on a jibe. Perhaps the fact that we all knew precisely what to do, what was next and what to expect from each other is part of the answer. Also, no drinking on board by anyone kept everyone sharp and able.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #55  
Old 04-08-2010
sailingdog's Avatar
Telstar 28
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 43,291
Thanks: 0
Thanked 11 Times in 11 Posts
Rep Power: 13
sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice
I'm still waiting for Nick or Melrna to answer how they would have reacted in any of the three situations that I mentioned above.

Quote:
There are instances, like Bubb2's boat getting run over by a Searay, or the accident in Buzzards Bay a few years back where a 60' powerboat killed people on a 35' sailboat, where it really doesn't matter what the captain did. Another case in point is the Clear Lake case, which hit the courts and the sailors were exonerated...
__________________
Sailingdog

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Telstar 28
New England

You know what the first rule of sailing is? ...Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take
a boat to the sea you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps
her going when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.

—Cpt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity (edited)

If you're new to the Sailnet Forums... please read this
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

Still—DON'T READ THAT POST AGAIN.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #56  
Old 04-08-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
nickokelly is on a distinguished road
Seems like your question is off-topic, but you answered the question yourself didn't you? There is nothing they could have done.

What does that have to do with raising your voice or making your wife comfortable on board?
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #57  
Old 04-08-2010
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: subject to change
Posts: 1,264
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
eryka is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by nickokelly View Post
Regardless of the reason for yelling, the perception in interpersonal communication is one of either aggression or loss of control (most of the time, I don't think that aggression really applies in sailing). That goes for yelling "FIRE," as much as it does, "GET DOWN!" In a true emergency, of course raising your voice is entirely appropriate. If there is a fire on board or a wayward sheriff's boat about to run me down, you bet I want to know. However, if you are yelling this at me, I know for sure that you are not in control of the situation. That can be good to know.
This reminds me of the "command voice" the midshipmen practice sometimes when sailing with Dan. It's got both volume - can carry in from bow to cockpit in 45 knots (been there!) - and yet its tightly under control, has no aggression or panic. There is such a thing.

Nick, I really like some of your comments, and am looking forward to googling for your book. Oops, never mind, think it may not be terribly relevant for me <*wink*> but I've got your blog on my list now!

Last edited by eryka; 04-08-2010 at 06:44 PM.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #58  
Old 04-08-2010
sailingdog's Avatar
Telstar 28
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 43,291
Thanks: 0
Thanked 11 Times in 11 Posts
Rep Power: 13
sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice
It has everything to do with it... it shows that there are some situations where RAISING YOUR VOICE or YELLING are a reasonable thing to do. If your wife knows that you will only raise your voice or yell in an emergency situation, there is a far better chance of her not misunderstanding your reason for yelling, provided, you are like Daydreamer's husband, and not a yeller under normal circumstances.

Both you and Melrna seem to think that any yelling or raising of voice is both unnecessary and unforgivable. That is simply not true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nickokelly View Post
Seems like your question is off-topic, but you answered the question yourself didn't you? There is nothing they could have done.

What does that have to do with raising your voice or making your wife comfortable on board?
__________________
Sailingdog

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Telstar 28
New England

You know what the first rule of sailing is? ...Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take
a boat to the sea you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps
her going when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.

—Cpt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity (edited)

If you're new to the Sailnet Forums... please read this
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

Still—DON'T READ THAT POST AGAIN.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #59  
Old 04-08-2010
Nick O'Kelly
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sausalito, CA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
nickokelly is on a distinguished road
Hey thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eryka View Post
Nick, I really like some of your comments, and am looking forward to googling for your book. Oops, never mind, think it may not be terribly relevant for me <*wink*> but I've got your blog on my list now!
Hey thanks. After all of my research and interviews, I am convinced that the VAST majority of us guys will NEVER go cruising without our wife/girlfriend/partner/etc fully on board with The Dream.

Do stay tuned here or on that blog. I am just finishing up some of the video interviews and will post them for free. These are interviews with cruising couples who have done it: sailed the Caribbean, the South Pacific, and around the world. They have a lot to teach.

Not sure on the time-line for those: probably starting next week sometime.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #60  
Old 04-08-2010
Melrna's Avatar
Crazy Woman Boat Driver
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: New Bern NC
Posts: 783
Thanks: 16
Thanked 13 Times in 10 Posts
Rep Power: 11
Melrna will become famous soon enough
Send a message via AIM to Melrna Send a message via Yahoo to Melrna
Quote:
Originally Posted by sailingdog View Post
I'm still waiting for Nick or Melrna to answer how they would have reacted in any of the three situations that I mentioned above.
OK Saildog,, down boy down... There is a difference between yelling, shouting, and high pitch voice. Like others have said there are times for each. I don't dispute that. It is hard sometimes to convey without body language, tone and inflection in written words sometimes. At least for me it is. I guess what Nick and I are writing about are the constant yellers out there, using inappropriate words, wrong choice of words, inflection and tone of voice. Belittling someone, like I think we have all seen doesn't cut it under any circumstances. I believe that is what Nick and my points are.
As for the accidents I am only aware of one of them; the cop hitting the sailboat. What I do as I always do is have a great lookout at all times. Biscayne Bay is full of erratic and uncontrolled powerboats most of time, especially during the summer. They are drunk, rude, don't know the right of way rules and are down right dangereous. I get out the way early, have the sound horn at the ready at all times, binaculars at the helm station, in night sailing I have my powerful flood light also at the ready and I don't travel in the channel unless I absolutely have to. All those tools have been used on most sails to avoid dangereous situations. But I also have a few advantages than most sailors. I can calculate closure distance and rate of movement to my boat with ease because of my flying training. A great asset when racing btw. But as I said in my previous post, I can assure you one or both captains in those incidents displayed very poor seamanship. Most accidents can be proven they start before the boat leaves the dock!
And yes Sh!t does happen, but when it does I find most people are clueless on what to do or how they got there to begin with.
__________________
Melissa Renee
Moondance
Catalina 445, Hull #90
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

 
Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may post attachments
You may edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Perfect wife..mine is...seriously Giulietta General Discussion (sailing related) 43 12-09-2008 02:43 AM
Will my wife and I be sad or happy with a Nauticat 33 or 38 or similar type? tartangreek Boat Review and Purchase Forum 41 11-18-2007 05:58 AM
First Boat Strategy - reluctant wife HELP??? hazmat17 Boat Review and Purchase Forum 17 10-02-2007 10:25 PM
US deports wife abuser back to Canada - Canada.com NewsReader News Feeds 0 09-29-2006 10:15 AM
US tries to deport man who beat, imprisoned wife on boat for years - Ottawa Citizen NewsReader News Feeds 0 08-26-2006 04:15 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:34 PM.

Add to My Yahoo!         
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.1
(c) Marine.com LLC 2000-2012

The SailNet.com store is owned and operated by a company independent of the SailNet.com forum. You are now leaving the SailNet forum. Click OK to continue or Cancel to return to the SailNet forum.