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Getting *Him* Interested in the Details
I see the irony, believe me. I constantly see inquiries from men on how to get female partners interested in sailing. My question is how to get a male partner more involved.
Or, maybe I should just shut up and be happy. You can tell me that. I won't be offended.
Here's my situation:
It's not that John doesn't like sailing. He does. In fact, this past Saturday we only had one day to sail and he dragged me out of bed at the crack of dawn to drive down to Rock Hall (we live in SE Pennsylvania) where we keep our boat. OK, it was 0830, but still. Anyway, winds were forecast as favorable for most of the afternoon and he was eager to get out so sailing is not the problem. It's the details and nuances that I can't get him interested in.
John's boating background: Former Electrician's Mate in USCG. No prior sailing experience before we met.
My boating background: USCG Auxiliary coxswain and instructor. ASA and USPS courses. I owned a 22-foot sailboat when we met.
John's responsibilities on our boat: Engine and electrical system monitoring and maintenance. Beer.
My responsibilities on our boat: Everything else: Navigator, communications, provisioning, cook, trip planning, cruise director, list maker, project manager, etc.
I decide where we're going and do the DR plots on the paper charts, research destinations, plan the routes on Polar Navy, monitor the weather starting three days before we leave, plan meals, make marina reservations if required, choose anchorages, etc. Basically, I do everything that doesn't have to do with the engine or the electrical system although I do ask questions about those so that I know what's what. John has never used the VHF radio, hands me the handheld to turn it off. When we participate in club sails and get hailed, he offers to take over the helm so I can "do my thing" on the radio. He spent his Coast Guard years in the engine room where he never had to do anything but keep the engines running and now it appears that he's doing the same on our boat.
Not that I don't appreciate his skills with a 30-year old diesel engine and I let him know that. Not that I don't have loads of fun doing what I do (OK, I do hate food shopping. I get shopping cart road rage - but I love cooking and do that well). When we decided to buy a larger boat John left the research and decisions and questions for the broker up to me and happily just signed the check. He has no complaints about our boat choice.
As I type this I guess I really don't have it so bad, but on a practical level, I do want him to learn how to read a chart, use the radio, know the basic rules of the road. How do I get him interested in at least that? He can stay the hell out of the galley. I'll give him that as a trade off especially after one hot weekend he routed around in the ice box in the dark for beer and left the meat out on the counter - all night. He felt awful. I told him it wasn't the end of the world, just the end of the meat. I now take a separate cooler for beverages.
But reading a chart and using the radio I see as somewhat of a safety issue. I'm forever telling the women in my classes that they should know what to do when their male partners fall overboard/have a heart attack/whatever, know how to use the radio and get the boat to a safe harbor, learn how to read the weather. Somehow I think a different approach will be needed for a man. I try to explain sailing maneuvers as I make them. For example, he now knows the proper procedure for passing/crossing another vessel from me (intentionally) muttering loudly to myself as a powerboat comes barreling our way when we're under sail. When we tack I exaggerate looking all around before changing course to make sure we're not tacking into another boat. Now he looks. In the beginning he never turned into the wake from a passing powerboat and I'd damn near get whiplash from the rolling. After I explained the stress that puts on the rigging and potential cost of replacing it, he now turns into the wake.
I adjusted early on to our different approach to navigation and I'm OK with that. John always sails buoy to buoy. I know that the buoy we need to get to to turn into the channel to Rock Hall is below a certain cut in the treeline. I can see the treeline way before I can see the buoy. The first time we came across the Bay from Baltimore and I told him to point the bow at a particular cut in the trees for two hours, it didn't work for him. He kept asking where the next buoy was so I finally directed him across the bay buoy by buoy and using compass headings. When he tacks, he doesn't plan beyond the current tack. When I tack I plan the next two or three tacks in my head (barring any interference).
The man's an industrial electrician and troubleshooter for crying out loud so he isn't stupid but I swear sometimes it's like having male boat fluff on board. Don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate what a fantastic position I'm in with someone who cheerily just asks where we're going, how long we'll be gone and what should he wear. Not to mention the fact that when we're at anchor and a storm rolls through at 0300 he's happy to get up and close up the boat (although the last time I had to remind him that when the lightning lit up the night sky that everyone else in the anchorage could see him standing on deck naked).
I don't want him to take over everything I do, I just want him to know how to do what I do. I want him to be able to use the radio when I'm busy or know what the italicized "h" on the chart means. If it wasn't for safety, I'd be more than happy with my boat fluff.
Or, maybe I'm just sulking because I would like to be the boat fluff every once in a while.
__________________
Donna
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Catalina 30
Rock Hall, MD
Contributing Editor
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There are many who sail but few who are sailors.
- David Seidman The Complete Sailor
Last edited by DRFerron; 07-13-2011 at 05:17 PM.
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