Want to live aboard (tried) but family, mainly wife does not approve - Page 3 - SailNet Community

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Go Back   SailNet Community > Out There > Cruising & Liveaboard Forum > Living Aboard
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  #21  
Old 05-08-2009
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PA you're assuming that your wife's mind CAN be changed. More typically you give up the dream or get a divorce. A cheap 40' boat is still going to cost you over $50k no matter how you slice it, and no matter how many nights and weekends you abandon the wife to work on it. Most women want a nest, safety, and security, and a boat just ain't it.

If you can get her to enjoy daysailing, if you can upgrade that to enjoy cruising, if you can convince her the finances aren't lunacy, I'd say you still have a five year project swinging her opinion around, half of that minimum.

If the finances alone don't cause a divorce, and she can tolerate "dad's hobby working on the boat"...you might get her to see the rest. But the odds are probably about 100:1 against you converting her. And that's optimistic.
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  #22  
Old 05-08-2009
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Here's another tip... actually, it can work in just about any situation.

Tell the wife you want to own a race horse or become a professional poker player.

Tell her you spend all your time researching it and talking to people on the web about it and it is something you have always wanted to do.

By comparison, living aboard seems more reasonable!!
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  #23  
Old 05-08-2009
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CD, Just read your post. Awsome. Expand your story into a book. When you get a publisher, let me know. I'm in for the first printing. - r
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  #24  
Old 05-08-2009
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It's not everybody’s dream.
Your wife's dream may be to buy that nice house in the country with a white picket fence. I have no idea what her dream is, but it does not sound like living on a boat is. Did you approach the subject before you were married?
Remember True Blue? He loved his boat and he loved to sail, the wife was scared to heal on the boat. It became a problem for the two if them.
Just because its your dream does not make it her dream, and if she is adamant against it, and if you are adamant for it, its going to be a major hurdle for you and your wife.


And BTW, in one of your post you stated that you expected support and not to get dissed. Well it has happened before where people come here wanting to hear what they what to hear and not listen to any input or advise anybody has offered. You will get a lot of feedback on this forum, it may not always be what you want to hear, but the people here are great and are truly giving you feedback from what their experiences have taught them.
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  #25  
Old 05-08-2009
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My heart goes out to you, Privatearms. But don't let your dream become a nightmare of marital/family discord. You may have to put off your dream of living aboard for a few years, even decades. In the meantime, you can sail locally, even sail to far-off lands on other people's boats while your family is safe and sound on shore. Eventually, your wife may decide to join the fun.

In many sailing clubs, some wives rarely set foot aboard, but they enjoy the social side of the club's activities. Sometimes, as others have stated here, they not only come aboard, they become obsessed with sailing.

The book suggested by Sailingdog is excellent, as is the advise of CruisingDad and others. My advise is to take it REALLY, REALLY slow. Your wife is probably ok with you having a sailing hobby, and the kids will probably love the idea of sailing. But if you push the liveaboard idea, and it becomes a wedge between you and your wife, you will not like the outcome. Don't ask me how I know this.
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Old 05-08-2009
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Good luck on getting your wife to change her mind. If I want a good fight all I have to do is mention living aboard.

My wife is like a kid in a candy store when we are out sailing and loves every minute of it. Some time she sits up on the bow and is in another world. Live aboard and her answer is I can and come visit her on land.

One day she came home from work and told me that we should take off and go sailing for a couple of months. I should have jumped at this but I told her that we could sail all summer long if she wanted.

To me it doesn't make since that she doesn't want to live aboard. We live in a 40' RV what's the difference. She has to have that land locked nest.

Your wife needs that land locked nest. She wants to take the kids to the park. Have them is school and all those activities for them. She needs her girlie girl time with her friends. As she sees it all that would be gone if she lives aboard.

If I were you I would just day sail and weekend with the family then after the kids are grown then bring it up again. The more you push it the more she will back away. Let her come into in her own time.
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  #27  
Old 05-08-2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rayncyn51 View Post
CD, Just read your post. Awsome. Expand your story into a book. When you get a publisher, let me know. I'm in for the first printing. - r
Thank you. That was very nice.

Brian
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  #28  
Old 05-08-2009
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Originally Posted by dell30rb View Post
I like the charter a boat for a week idea. Go somewhere awesome like the virgin islands for vacation. She'll have a great time and will associate living aboard a boat with vacation, making her much more open to the idea.
FWIW, this is exactly what got us started. A week charter in the Virgins, 6 months later we bought a boat and a few years after that sold the house. (Would've sold sooner but it took that long to find new jobs within commuting distance of the shore.) LOVE living aboard, we've been at it 7 years and no going back.

There's a difference btwn living aboard at a marina, and living aboard cruising. It's not completely clear from your post which you have in mind. Perhaps more conversation can really point out what the showstopper is - dislike of the itinerant lifestyle (wanting the kids to be in the same school, stable friends, etc?) or space contraints of a small boat, or fear of water? Life in a marina can be like a waterfront condo in a friendly community - ours has a park, clubhouse, swimming pool etc. I have to admit I'd be hesitant to move into a fixer-upper with 4 small kids - maybe a newer boat with a few more amenities would be more palateable?

PS to CD - nice post!
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  #29  
Old 05-08-2009
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Originally Posted by privatearms View Post
Thank you for sharing. Well, I am 31, wife is 26, kids are 6, 5, 4, 3. That is to start with.
I was living aboard at 31, IIRC. That will not be an issue. At 26, your wife will be physically and mentally capable of making it work (with making it work being emphasized).

I will also say that four kids is a LOT of kids on 40 feet. But it has been done and can be done. We had a lady and her husband living on a mooring ball (tough) with 4-5 kids. She even walked to the hospital while in labor with the last (or so the story goes)!!!! Tough gal!!

Some people just do not like boats. If that is your wife, you will have a tough time changing her mind. Just so that you know, Kris would never have bought into it if she had not seen me so passionate about it. Now she loves it too. It takes time and development. I still think taking some mom and dad only nights out on a small sailboat is the trick. You can build up from there. If you plan to just jump into it then you and she both may be in for a shick.

But again, I am giving you a lot of negatives. There are also a lot of positives. I cannot imagine anything matching living aboard a boat. It certainly is not a cheap way of life, but it is a rewarding one. Go show your wife the all the pics of sunsets (follow the link in my signature). That will be her backyard, every day. THere is no house that can equal it.

Regarding boat type/size, I think you may in fact be looking at a 40 foot boat. I would try and find one with three cabins and the kids will have to bunk up together. That really is not a problem for the kids. Mine do it just fine. But every kid (in my opinion) needs their own little personal space.



It does not take a lot of space, but simply a place that is all their own that no other brother/sister can get to (those are our rules). We also have a little "treasure chest" that they can put whatever they want in there (well, within reason) and the other sibling cannot touch.

I think a multihull would be great, but they are expensive and finding slippage is a chore. You may also have an issue with overloading the multihull that monohullers do not have so much of. I would not rule out the multihull, but I would certainly be checking out where I was going to slip her first as the cost of a marina/slip could be cost prohibitive. It was for us. There are several multihullers on this forum (with SD and I2F being the key ones) to discuss the merits of those boats - but make sure you also know the negatives as there are many. Everything has a tradeoff.

Stick around and enjoy the site. Sailortjk gave some good thoughts here too: you will get advice here that will be positive and negative. There are no hidden agendas so take all of it appropriately. Lot sof knowledge on this forum that can give you a pretty good taste of what to expect. But in the end, all advice is from a single person's point of view and should be taken as such. Your views may differ and you may be able to make things work that others wouldn't dream of trying. We did.

Brian
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  #30  
Old 05-08-2009
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All kidding aside, moving four small children, a reluctant wife and yourself aboard a "cheap" 40-footer sounds like a recipe for familial disaster, IMHO. Seriously, consider the realities of that kind of living situation long and hard before committing to it.
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