Want to live aboard (tried) but family, mainly wife does not approve - Page 4 - SailNet Community

   Search Sailnet:

 forums  store  


Quick Menu
Forums           
Articles          
Galleries        
Boat Reviews  
Classifieds     
Search SailNet 
Boat Search (new)

Shop the
SailNet Store
Anchor Locker
Boatbuilding & Repair
Charts
Clothing
Electrical
Electronics
Engine
Hatches and Portlights
Interior And Galley
Maintenance
Marine Electronics
Navigation
Other Items
Plumbing and Pumps
Rigging
Safety
Sailing Hardware
Trailer & Watersports
Clearance Items

Advertise Here






Go Back   SailNet Community > Out There > Cruising & Liveaboard Forum > Living Aboard
 Not a Member? 


Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #31  
Old 05-08-2009
JohnRPollard's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Chesapeake
Posts: 5,680
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Rep Power: 10
JohnRPollard is a jewel in the rough JohnRPollard is a jewel in the rough JohnRPollard is a jewel in the rough
Lots of good general suggestions here, but I think this fellow's budget rules out a few of them (like chartering in the islands).

I think the best advice so far is to start small and cheap (a daysailer, maybe?) and gradually introduce your family to sailing. Hopefully they will grow to love it and eventually come to share your dream.


Quote:
Originally Posted by privatearms View Post
I am sorry to ask this, but I was wondering if there is anyone out there (at all) who would be willing to donate a working sailboat. It does not have to be the best looking boat, but it would have to make it from FL to NJ. I am low on money, and do not have the means of going back to NJ. Sorry to ask once again, but if anyone has an extra boat sitting on the ground, or no longer need their boat, please let me know.

Please do not post bad comments.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Pacific Seacraft Crealock 31 #62

NEVER CALLS CRUISINGDAD BACK....CAN"T TAKE THE ACCENT
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #32  
Old 05-08-2009
svNorthernLight's Avatar
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 0
svNorthernLight is on a distinguished road
Don an eye patch, sneak into the bed room late at night and slip a pillow case over her head. Take her hostage and smuggle her aboard your ship. Then start talking to her in a slow Puerto Rican accent. Tell her that every night at sea will be like the one she is about to have onboard tonight. Lavish her with warm oils and the sweet smell of scented candles.

The next morning when you both awake if she finds out it was you the night before one of two things will come about. Either you’ll be shopping L/A sailboats the next day or you both will have had the night of your lives.

-Capt Dave-
Galveston Bay, Texas
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #33  
Old 05-08-2009
labatt's Avatar
I'd rather be sailing
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: The state of s/v/ Pelican
Posts: 1,901
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Rep Power: 9
labatt will become famous soon enough
I can tell you that it's possible. 5 years ago my wife had only sailed twice and hated it. I'm now e-mailing you from an anchorage off of Cat Island in the Bahamas. We're in the 5th or 6th month (you lose track of time) of an almost 2 year cruise with our two kids (8 and 12). I know you didn't mention cruising, but here's what I did to convince my wife... first we watched a number of movies about cruising families (Ocean Wanderer was the best documentary we've seen to date). Then we bought a 23 foot trailer sailor. Then my wife went to a week long class in FL on her own (this was key) to get ASA certifications. Then we bought a 40 foot monohull, cruised around a lake for a couple of years on weekends and for a few weeklong trips. And now, here we are, in the Bahamas, living a dream that my wife now shares with me. Our family has never been closer, and will never be as close again, and I can say it's really good for the soul. Check out our blog, including some of the early entries when we were just thinking about going... s/v Pelican - Following A Dream.

Chris
__________________
s/v "Pelican" Passport 40 #076- Finished Cruising - for the moment -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
"Don't dream your life, live your dream" - Bob Bitchin'
"I'll see it when I believe it" - Me
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #34  
Old 05-08-2009
hellosailor's Avatar
Plausible Deniability
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 10,442
Thanks: 1
Thanked 76 Times in 74 Posts
Rep Power: 10
hellosailor has a spectacular aura about hellosailor has a spectacular aura about
What's wrong with this picture?

On the one hand, Privatearms is looking for how to sell his wife on sailing. On the other hand http://www.sailnet.com/forums/boat-b...sorry-ask.html
he's apparently left her in NJ with four kids while he's in Florida and too broke to get home? But planning to buy a 40' boat and refit it?!

PA, what's missing from this picture?
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #35  
Old 05-08-2009
sailingdog's Avatar
Telstar 28
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 43,291
Thanks: 0
Thanked 9 Times in 9 Posts
Rep Power: 13
sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice
I agree... something is off here... The chances of someone donating a boat in good enough condition to make the trip from FL to NJ, much less a 40' one... is miniscule...



Quote:
Originally Posted by hellosailor View Post
What's wrong with this picture?

On the one hand, Privatearms is looking for how to sell his wife on sailing. On the other hand http://www.sailnet.com/forums/boat-b...sorry-ask.html
he's apparently left her in NJ with four kids while he's in Florida and too broke to get home? But planning to buy a 40' boat and refit it?!

PA, what's missing from this picture?
__________________
Sailingdog

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Telstar 28
New England

You know what the first rule of sailing is? ...Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take
a boat to the sea you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps
her going when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.

—Cpt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity (edited)

If you're new to the Sailnet Forums... please read this
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

Still—DON'T READ THAT POST AGAIN.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #36  
Old 05-17-2009
Every day, Something new
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Cruising
Posts: 60
Thanks: 5
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 8
marinegirl405 is on a distinguished road
I'm lucky, both myself and my husband wanted to cruise before we even met, since we've married, it is me that has pushed him further afield and off shore to more distant destinations. But that doesn't mean we didn't have to find some compromises.

Living aboard is simply harder than living in a house/apartment with all those conveniences. Your wife probably doesn't like the idea of being stuck in the cave below decks, cooking, and cleaning, while you are having "fun" up top tweaking the sails. Living aboard can be not being able to get a decent shower, hauling laundry and groceries from the nearest parking lot (or bus stop), being told to not use the head (my husband tried that line - just the once, because he didn't like to empty the tank so often) etc... Given all the undisputed negatives who can blame your wife?

If you want her to go with you - you have to balance things out. HELP / take responsibility for many of the traditional "housewife" chores so your wife gets to have some of the pleasure of living aboard too - has time to relax in the cockpit and read a book, or even sail while you look after the kids. Plan into your cruising/living so you expect to eat out frequently, to dock in places where she can get a dose of good shopping, flights home to catch up with friends and family, etc. from time to time. Make the benefits totally outweigh any inconveniences (who would not say not to being on some remote sun drenched, private beach for a week or more - while you are there, who cares about laundry?).

Sit down with your wife and try to understand what it is she doesn't like, and what her "perfect" live-aboard life would be... And please LISTEN, don't try and counter every statement she makes until you've heard the whole list. Then Ask - are some of the problems worth it for the benefits? If not how can we make these problems less of an issue? What can YOU (as the husband) do to remove or share these problems? There may not be an answer, but if you want to go sailing with your wife and family it is surely worth the time to ask and Listen - did I say Listen, that is important.

In an age where pools must have a secure and child safe perimeter fence, a boat can seem like a very child-unfriendly zone - so you have to put in precautions and rules that would not exist as dirt dwellers (and make sure everyone can swim, is tethered in or has a life jacket on - age dependent of course, probably not a good idea to tether your wife to the boat)

A book I loved, which has a chapter/section on working with your wife (rather than convincing her) - is Sensible Cruising: The Thoreau Approach - by Don Casey and Lew Hackler. At the end of the day if you can't work together you either won't go sailing, or you won't be married. Only you know which of those two futures you would choose, but hopefully you can find a way to do both.

Because of your wife's uncertainty and reluctance, you are going to have to set aside extra $'s from your boat budget just for your wife. If she might be interested Send her away on women only multi-day, live aboard sailing course. And be prepared to spend more on docking (rather than anchoring) where necessary, etc to make the whole thing more pleasant/attractive for her.

A 40' boat is going to be a big investment in your joint funds, and your time - another reason your wife may resent the boat. If you can't make her see that as family investment, and if you keep it as a separate project that you do while she stays at home, you are going to have some trouble.

I wish you luck. I think it really is a good life for a family. Any marital problems will be forced into the open once you are living in such close proximity, but rather discover and address them (if they exist), than live the comfortably numb life that most do. All the kids I know that live aboard are happy, articulate, intelligent, and confident - who wouldn't want that for their kids?

Beware of making promises/trades you don't mean, just to get your wife to "try" the boat - eventually they will bite you back.

Good luck, really, good luck, and I hope to see you out there soon.
__________________
Gemini 105Mc - Cruising

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #37  
Old 05-17-2009
zAr zAr is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 138
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Rep Power: 6
zAr is on a distinguished road
I would have liked to know why his wife didn't want to live aboard. I found it odd that this wasn't mentioned. No reasons given. Kinda like it was irrelevant...

Also, how can you figure out an approach if you don't know these reasons?

For example, oh, let's say she had a traumatic experience of near drowning as a child and is afraid of the water. Or maybe she gets awfully seasick just looking at water. Or she wants a backyard to putter around in. She would have to give up the house that was passed down to her and has been in the family for centuries. Or she just doesn't get the appeal of boats. I dunno, I can think of lots of very formidable reasons.

I bet she'd be the one who has to look after the kids...on aforementioned boat. Yeah, I can see how that would make a complicated and difficult life 10 times harder than it already is.

My point is, maybe if we knew more details we'd say living aboard is a very bad idea for this couple, or this fellow's wife.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #38  
Old 05-17-2009
Lostmt's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 160
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Rep Power: 9
Lostmt is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by zAr View Post
I would have liked to know why his wife didn't want to live aboard. I found it odd that this wasn't mentioned. No reasons given. Kinda like it was irrelevant...

Also, how can you figure out an approach if you don't know these reasons?

For example, oh, let's say she had a traumatic experience of near drowning as a child and is afraid of the water. Or maybe she gets awfully seasick just looking at water. Or she wants a backyard to putter around in. She would have to give up the house that was passed down to her and has been in the family for centuries. Or she just doesn't get the appeal of boats. I dunno, I can think of lots of very formidable reasons.

I bet she'd be the one who has to look after the kids...on aforementioned boat. Yeah, I can see how that would make a complicated and difficult life 10 times harder than it already is.

My point is, maybe if we knew more details we'd say living aboard is a very bad idea for this couple, or this fellow's wife.
We/he may never know why she doesn't want to live aboard. My wife has said NO more than once and I can't get her to tell me why. She does love to sail and the boat. We live in a RV and I ask her whats the difference. The only answer I get is "I'm not living aboard".

Us guys well never figure out the female way of thinking. All I can say is that we think with logic and they think with emotions.
__________________
Smooth water never makes a good sailor.

S/V Miss Sadie
1978 Watkins 27
Middle Texas Coast
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #39  
Old 05-17-2009
Cruisingdad's Avatar
Best Looking MALE Mod
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mobile Liveaboards
Posts: 9,894
Thanks: 3
Thanked 97 Times in 52 Posts
Rep Power: 10
Cruisingdad is a jewel in the rough Cruisingdad is a jewel in the rough Cruisingdad is a jewel in the rough
Quote:
Originally Posted by marinegirl405 View Post
I'm lucky, both myself and my husband wanted to cruise before we even met, since we've married, it is me that has pushed him further afield and off shore to more distant destinations. But that doesn't mean we didn't have to find some compromises.

Living aboard is simply harder than living in a house/apartment with all those conveniences. Your wife probably doesn't like the idea of being stuck in the cave below decks, cooking, and cleaning, while you are having "fun" up top tweaking the sails. Living aboard can be not being able to get a decent shower, hauling laundry and groceries from the nearest parking lot (or bus stop), being told to not use the head (my husband tried that line - just the once, because he didn't like to empty the tank so often) etc... Given all the undisputed negatives who can blame your wife?

If you want her to go with you - you have to balance things out. HELP / take responsibility for many of the traditional "housewife" chores so your wife gets to have some of the pleasure of living aboard too - has time to relax in the cockpit and read a book, or even sail while you look after the kids. Plan into your cruising/living so you expect to eat out frequently, to dock in places where she can get a dose of good shopping, flights home to catch up with friends and family, etc. from time to time. Make the benefits totally outweigh any inconveniences (who would not say not to being on some remote sun drenched, private beach for a week or more - while you are there, who cares about laundry?).

Sit down with your wife and try to understand what it is she doesn't like, and what her "perfect" live-aboard life would be... And please LISTEN, don't try and counter every statement she makes until you've heard the whole list. Then Ask - are some of the problems worth it for the benefits? If not how can we make these problems less of an issue? What can YOU (as the husband) do to remove or share these problems? There may not be an answer, but if you want to go sailing with your wife and family it is surely worth the time to ask and Listen - did I say Listen, that is important.

In an age where pools must have a secure and child safe perimeter fence, a boat can seem like a very child-unfriendly zone - so you have to put in precautions and rules that would not exist as dirt dwellers (and make sure everyone can swim, is tethered in or has a life jacket on - age dependent of course, probably not a good idea to tether your wife to the boat)

A book I loved, which has a chapter/section on working with your wife (rather than convincing her) - is Sensible Cruising: The Thoreau Approach - by Don Casey and Lew Hackler. At the end of the day if you can't work together you either won't go sailing, or you won't be married. Only you know which of those two futures you would choose, but hopefully you can find a way to do both.

Because of your wife's uncertainty and reluctance, you are going to have to set aside extra $'s from your boat budget just for your wife. If she might be interested Send her away on women only multi-day, live aboard sailing course. And be prepared to spend more on docking (rather than anchoring) where necessary, etc to make the whole thing more pleasant/attractive for her.

A 40' boat is going to be a big investment in your joint funds, and your time - another reason your wife may resent the boat. If you can't make her see that as family investment, and if you keep it as a separate project that you do while she stays at home, you are going to have some trouble.

I wish you luck. I think it really is a good life for a family. Any marital problems will be forced into the open once you are living in such close proximity, but rather discover and address them (if they exist), than live the comfortably numb life that most do. All the kids I know that live aboard are happy, articulate, intelligent, and confident - who wouldn't want that for their kids?

Beware of making promises/trades you don't mean, just to get your wife to "try" the boat - eventually they will bite you back.

Good luck, really, good luck, and I hope to see you out there soon.

Nice post, MarineGirl.

Brian
__________________
Sailnet Adminstrator & Moderator
Catalina 400 Technical Editor

2004 Catalina 400, Sea Mist IV (our boat, F/T Mobile Live Aboards in S FL and Keys primarily)
1987 Tayana Vancouver 42, Credendo Vides, (Mom and Pops boat, F/T Mobile Live Aboards in Puget Sound)

My Website:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Follow My Blog at:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Follow me on Facebook:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #40  
Old 05-17-2009
sailingdog's Avatar
Telstar 28
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 43,291
Thanks: 0
Thanked 9 Times in 9 Posts
Rep Power: 13
sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice sailingdog is just really nice
Get Debra Anne Cantrell's book: Changing Course; and read it... then give it to your wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostmt View Post
We/he may never know why she doesn't want to live aboard. My wife has said NO more than once and I can't get her to tell me why. She does love to sail and the boat. We live in a RV and I ask her whats the difference. The only answer I get is "I'm not living aboard".

Us guys well never figure out the female way of thinking. All I can say is that we think with logic and they think with emotions.
__________________
Sailingdog

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Telstar 28
New England

You know what the first rule of sailing is? ...Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take
a boat to the sea you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps
her going when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.

—Cpt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity (edited)

If you're new to the Sailnet Forums... please read this
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

Still—DON'T READ THAT POST AGAIN.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

 
Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may post attachments
You may edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Live aboard legal address Tropiccafe Living Aboard 50 04-03-2014 06:12 PM
Live Aboard Marinas in Florida Snookcatcher Living Aboard 71 08-13-2012 10:40 AM
Live Aboard in NE in Winter: Heating and Vetilation SkipperBob Living Aboard 13 02-13-2009 10:38 AM
live aboard marines in miami area johnny333 Living Aboard 8 01-27-2008 05:22 PM
Late 70''s Swan pros & con for a live aboard and Atlantic cro pierot69 Boat Review and Purchase Forum 0 02-01-2001 05:23 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:47 AM.

Add to My Yahoo!         
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.1
(c) Marine.com LLC 2000-2012

The SailNet.com store is owned and operated by a company independent of the SailNet.com forum. You are now leaving the SailNet forum. Click OK to continue or Cancel to return to the SailNet forum.