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I dont feel safe with husband onboard

21K views 156 replies 49 participants last post by  PaulinVictoria 
#1 · (Edited)
#2 ·
Too bad, but not uncommon. Hard to assess his sailing skills based on your rendition. First mate on an ocean passage? What is your sailing experience and knowledge? It is only clear that you know what an accidental jybe is. Could it be he was just unfamiliar with the boat itself, as it was new and was getting used to it? That will cure itself quickly, if he really is experienced.

By the way, drive to America from where?
 
#4 ·
I am typically anti-overreacting wife but I don't personally think that is enough experience for a ocean trip in rough weather. A season in protected water on the boat and then working up to worse conditions seems reasonable.

The trick now is finding a way to communicate that without starting a war. If he's like me a frontal assalt isn't a good idea. Agreeing to continue trying and telling him you're afraid when you are is a better route. Be a girl, guys like that. Telling him you know more than him(even though you do) and screaming is hardly ever going to have a positive reaction.

...a boat can only have one Captian...but the crew has to trust him...

Manhater-flamesuit on. :)
 
#6 · (Edited)
...Advice?
Marital counselling, or bring your whip along and re-establish your dominance over the "captain"?:D

The sailboat has become the stage for you to act out your conflict over who is in control of the relationship and who is the dominant partner. Your post reads as if you have been the dominant partner in your relationship and you are now upset that your husband's position as the captain/owner of the boat has usurped your power and control in the relationship.

Everyone makes mistakes, on land and at sea. What were the actual consequences of his jibes, other than your overreaction?

You might also consider taking more English-as-a-second-language lessons (I hope you are from Quebec and not one of the English-speaking provinces in Canada).:rolleyes:
 
#8 ·
This has got to be one of the most inane responses I've seen on SailNet.

What does her command of written English have to do with anything? I have seen far more incomprehensible posts made by alleged English-as-a-first-language members.

As for your insolent evaluation of her relationship: a little more Perry Mason and little less Doctor Phil would be in order.

Regarding the OP's request for advice: In my opinion I think that the suggestion to take take a course with your husband is a good one.
 
#7 · (Edited)
Hi- Wifey- I agree with all of the above. My wife and I started sailing a little over 3 years ago after I had taken some basic sailing lessons in dinghies. It's such a complicated arrangement on board a sailboat between a couple that can sometimes spark very emotional reactions. I know one local couple who absolutely refuse to sail with each other (and they both love to sail), which is just sad considering where we live and the venue we have here. I've chalked up those early squabbles to my own inexperience and lack of self-confidence-- one of those life's lessons that would eventually make our bond stronger if we survived it, which we have. My initial goal was wanting to do something that involved my wife (I raced bikes for 20-some years, she didn't). What it's turned into is a longer journey of learning as much as there is about sailing and we hope to become full-time cruisers one day. We've had our moments, though- especially that first year. It's not like he's never going to ever make a mistake again, and another accidental jibe is just a matter of time. It's usually not such a big deal on a 25 foot boat (depending on the weather and sea state, of course) and usually amounts to not paying attention. But I agree with the others; take some more sailing courses and know that you'll both make mistakes along the way as you gain experience. There are tons of great sailing courses out there no matter how much experience you have, but nothing beats just getting out there as long as you don't end up squabbling the whole time.

Good luck!

Ray
 
#14 ·
It's a very good point that it would be fairly unrecoverable if your husband were to read your exposure to strangers on the Internet. I also have to say, there is a cast of suspicion when these kind of stories and requests for advice are someone's first post to strangers. Often they are just intended to spark a conflict here.

Assuming its all legit, it is at least possible that this is a power struggle. I can't know. Those comments did have me reflecting on my own relationship. My second wife just took sailing lessons a few years ago. Never ever sailed before. I've been on the water for over 30 years. She is a very strong and independent woman (one of the things I love about her). However, at first she would question a lot of what we were doing and would want everything explained before she would act. "Release the main!!" is not usually requested with time to explain. :) There is no doubt that she didn't want to feel the need to be told what to do, but wanted to be independent and able to make the call herself. It's all settled down (well almost all) and we work together very well now. Not the OP's exact scenario, but it takes effort from both spouses to achieve mutual respect at sea.
 
#15 ·
Woops! Sorry, Wifey- looks like you're getting more than you bargained for.. all sorts of advice. I didn't mean to agree with "all" posts, but you see how things can take a tangent in a direction you didn't intend. I think your english and writing skills are fine- the message got across. There are more posts on this forum that lack proper sentence structure, grammar and punctuation (mine included), that can be just as misleading as one where english skills are second to that of another language, so you can't fault her for that. And we wonder why more women aren't posting on sailnet...
 
#16 ·
I suspect that he was as scared as you in the excessive heel and accidental gybes, but as a guy he was presenting a stoic face and toughing it out as a way to make you feel more secure. Just being a normal guy.

I would suggest you both take some more sailing courses separately and build skills and enough self confidence to not go the "fake it till you make it" route.
 
#17 · (Edited)
Wifey, I'm going to reiterate the suggestion about taking some classes, but unless you have an unusually good relationship, it might be better to do them separately -- at least at first. It seems that you don't fully trust your husband in this context. That might be totally appropriate here, I don't know, but it makes you feel guilty and him humiliated. You should get some experience on keelboats with a skipper you really do trust. Also, you may find it easier to take instruction from someone you're not emotionally involved with.

And your husband should get some experience in a setting where he can screw up without shame, so both of you can get the experience (and third-party validation) you need to be able to trust each other. A boat is too small a space and cooperation is too critical to have a crew who is screaming at each other.
 
#18 ·
I just can't shake the nagging feeling that this is a troll post.

If it's not...

The assessment that I make from the very limited information provided, is that the husband is prone to biting off more than he can chew, and does not recognize his own limitations, nor does he care to have them pointed out to him.

As such, presenting him with a gift of sailing lessons may just insult him, not encourage him to improve himself. Marriage counseling may indeed, be in order. At the very least, a very tactful approach to showing the husband that he needs more education and experience, and only "Wifey" knows best how to do that.

Good luck with that.
 
#19 ·
Rig a preventer on the main, a 25 footer in any seaway is a handful ddw. Never stand so you can get hit buy the boom. If you don't like the heel reduce sail. Have a talk ( off the boat) about your concerns when things are calm . It is stressful getting a new to you boat home.
 
#20 ·
I second the troll post. Reads an allfull lot like the emails I get every week from the UK. I just won 1.5 million this morning.
To the post if legit.
You are both in over your heads. Get some lessons. Go on a charter w/ some experianced friends. Confidence takes practice and time. That or an lawyer.
My wife and I met racing over 30 years ago. We work as a great team but still occasionally raise our voices in tence moments when the winds up.
Jim
 
#22 · (Edited)
Hello, new here.

I love that my new husband loves sailing. He is a down to earth person that finds Pleasure in lifes simple and beautiful things. I adore him.

So when he said he wanted to drive to america to bye a second sailboat, i said okay.

I have experience on a hobbie in lakes, small dinghy in lakes, and power boats on the sea - single hand in all of them. He has experience as first mate on large boats on the ocean. I thought we would be okay.

The trip was rushed, we were underpressure, and low on experience to be sailing a 25 footer over a large distance in changeable fall weather. First day out we put up the sails and i immediately felt over my head. I shut my mouth and told myself it was okay. Some heavy gusts heeled us over past my already not-so-comfortable comfort level. I said "okaythis is too much for me." graciously my husband said "okay, no problem." then something unfortunate happened - he almost accidentally gibbed the boat, me standing by the compannion way. The only thing i could do was scream at him to stop, realizing he didnt see his mistake.

Later in the trip, the exact scenario happened again, this time under more sail, with the same outcome - me screaming.

Before we left he said he would be happy to motor the whole way, he just wanted to pick up the boat. After the second incident, i was dead set on motori g. When he asked me on a relatively calm day if we could put up sail, i said no. I felt bad but i was exhausted, afrAid, and had lost confidence in his ability to keep me safe. He reacted poorly and was angry i did t want to sail. His ego was hurt that it wasbecause of turnIng the wrong way.

I let him push me to sail under conditions that i felt unsafe in, then he did something that endaged me, then got angry when my boundries became stronger.

When he talks about us sailing together now, i dont know what to say. I know if he wants tosail in conditions i dont think we can handle, and i say as much, he will get angry - but now im in a place where i dont care. If he cant move at my pace, and slowly build my confidence in saili g and my trust in him, id rather be on solid ground. I cant seem to make himsympathetic to these feelings and fear i will miss him for years of our marriage he spends sailing solo.

Advice?
I'll be totally honest with you. Purely from what you write (especially the bold part) it sounds to me like, yes, he screwed up. But you screwed up too. (Just like things usually are in marriages).

He screwed up with the sailing. That's definitely not uncommon. But, on the plus side for him, he was trying to be accommodating to you afterwards by offering to motor, etc. The bottom line seems that he just wanted to be on a sailboat...with you. And that's cool.

As for your screw up, you're the one with sailing experience. It sounds like you just shut everything down and screamed at him because of his screw-ups (and your fear), as opposed to teaching him.

The only thing i could do was scream at him to stop, realizing he didnt see his mistake.
Sure I understand you were afraid, but that approach never helps things. You obviously already know this.

Granted, I have no idea what his (or your) personality is like - and whether he would be a good or bad student. But it does sound like you have a few things that you could definitely teach him if you could do it as a "buddy" and as a team.

The bottom line is that you love this about him:

I love that my new husband loves sailing. He is a down to earth person that finds Pleasure in lifes simple and beautiful things. I adore him.
But you fear this about him:

If he cant move at my pace, and slowly build my confidence in saili g and my trust in him, id rather be on solid ground. I cant seem to make himsympathetic to these feelings and fear i will miss him for years of our marriage he spends sailing solo.
So it seems that it's something you need to take the initiative on. In my opinion PCP nailed it. Buy both of you some very good sailing lessons. It would be a great way to overcome your fear, while taking it slowly, and teaching him to be a better sailor (while learning a few things yourself)...AND you'll be doing it together, as a team.

Otherwise, singlehanding starts to sound better and better.
 
#24 ·
Just got in over his head and was not prepard. Bought a new boat and wanted to get it home. Conditions did not allow for a nice easy sail home, simply should have postponed for the right weather window but ego got a hold of him and he said weather be damned, I can handle this. Not good. Knowing your limits is as important as knowing a bowline.
All the other talk is not what this dscussion is about if you ask me.
 
#27 ·
...

my new husband ...
Bingo.

Your experience has been sailing solo, both literally and metaphorically. Now you are sailing as a team, and, just like your husband, and sailing a bigger boat in open water, this is all new.

Too much new at once can be hard to handle, and it sounds like you had more new than you could chew.

Reading your tale, I see communication and compromise issues more than sailing issues. Both you and your husband did not communicate effectively, and you could not compromise. On your part- how are you supposed to become comfortable sailing with your husband when you refuse to let him raise the sails on what you yourself acknowledge was a calm day? On your husband's side, anger is not an effective communicating tool.

Work on communicating, and take lessons together. Alternately, if you have a local racing fleet, both of you should sign on as crew for beer can racing. It's a great way to learn more about sailing, and, perhaps more importantly, about yourself.
 
#28 · (Edited)
Let me jump in here. Not that I have any great revelations.

My wife and I are about to buy our first boat. A Hunter 22. I have experience in Lasers and Hobie's only and haven't sailed in ten years. My wife has never sailed. We will be in sailing an inland lake so I'm not as worried as I would be out in a bay or gulf where things get rough. Anyways, like I said. I am pretty confident in my personal abilities but I know that I am not qualified to teach my wife. Maybe a buddy but surly not my wife. The marina where we will keep our boat offers certification and my wife is all about having certifications. I figured that even though I am confident that I could handle these inland lakes it will also boost her confidence in me if we take advantage of the class.

I could see something like this happening to us just because we are both strong headed but I would never let my ego endanger her safety.

My wife and I do everything together and I'd rather take the long route to many joyful days of sailing than the quick route to our outings turning into stressful times for us both. The point to sailing is escape, relaxation, and great times.
 
#29 ·
Here's another way for us to look at this situation. Read the original post and reverse the sexes, i.e. the wife bought the boat and insisted on sailing it right away, with perhaps not a lot of experience, and the husband says 'all I could do was scream at her"....bla bla bla.

I think the general reaction, at least my reaction would be, DUDE...why didn't you participate and assert yourself a little here...and stop whining.

Kinda changes the perspective.
 
#32 ·
I think the general reaction, at least my reaction would be, DUDE...why didn't you participate and assert yourself a little here...and stop whining.

Kinda changes the perspective.
I was thiking along the same lines. OP states to have some experience and knows a thing or two, well than perhaps the suggestion of rigging a preventer or helping the helmsman pay more attention would have been more productive.
 
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