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Marital counselling, or bring your whip along and re-establish your dominance over the "captain"?...Advice?
I'll be totally honest with you. Purely from what you write (especially the bold part) it sounds to me like, yes, he screwed up. But you screwed up too. (Just like things usually are in marriages).Hello, new here.
I love that my new husband loves sailing. He is a down to earth person that finds Pleasure in lifes simple and beautiful things. I adore him.
So when he said he wanted to drive to america to bye a second sailboat, i said okay.
I have experience on a hobbie in lakes, small dinghy in lakes, and power boats on the sea - single hand in all of them. He has experience as first mate on large boats on the ocean. I thought we would be okay.
The trip was rushed, we were underpressure, and low on experience to be sailing a 25 footer over a large distance in changeable fall weather. First day out we put up the sails and i immediately felt over my head. I shut my mouth and told myself it was okay. Some heavy gusts heeled us over past my already not-so-comfortable comfort level. I said "okaythis is too much for me." graciously my husband said "okay, no problem." then something unfortunate happened - he almost accidentally gibbed the boat, me standing by the compannion way. The only thing i could do was scream at him to stop, realizing he didnt see his mistake.
Later in the trip, the exact scenario happened again, this time under more sail, with the same outcome - me screaming.
Before we left he said he would be happy to motor the whole way, he just wanted to pick up the boat. After the second incident, i was dead set on motori g. When he asked me on a relatively calm day if we could put up sail, i said no. I felt bad but i was exhausted, afrAid, and had lost confidence in his ability to keep me safe. He reacted poorly and was angry i did t want to sail. His ego was hurt that it wasbecause of turnIng the wrong way.
I let him push me to sail under conditions that i felt unsafe in, then he did something that endaged me, then got angry when my boundries became stronger.
When he talks about us sailing together now, i dont know what to say. I know if he wants tosail in conditions i dont think we can handle, and i say as much, he will get angry - but now im in a place where i dont care. If he cant move at my pace, and slowly build my confidence in saili g and my trust in him, id rather be on solid ground. I cant seem to make himsympathetic to these feelings and fear i will miss him for years of our marriage he spends sailing solo.
Advice?
Sure I understand you were afraid, but that approach never helps things. You obviously already know this.The only thing i could do was scream at him to stop, realizing he didnt see his mistake.
But you fear this about him:I love that my new husband loves sailing. He is a down to earth person that finds Pleasure in lifes simple and beautiful things. I adore him.
So it seems that it's something you need to take the initiative on. In my opinion PCP nailed it. Buy both of you some very good sailing lessons. It would be a great way to overcome your fear, while taking it slowly, and teaching him to be a better sailor (while learning a few things yourself)...AND you'll be doing it together, as a team.If he cant move at my pace, and slowly build my confidence in saili g and my trust in him, id rather be on solid ground. I cant seem to make himsympathetic to these feelings and fear i will miss him for years of our marriage he spends sailing solo.
Bingo....
my new husband ...
I was thiking along the same lines. OP states to have some experience and knows a thing or two, well than perhaps the suggestion of rigging a preventer or helping the helmsman pay more attention would have been more productive.I think the general reaction, at least my reaction would be, DUDE...why didn't you participate and assert yourself a little here...and stop whining.
Kinda changes the perspective.