SailNet Community banner
  • SailNet is a forum community dedicated to Sailing enthusiasts. Come join the discussion about sailing, modifications, classifieds, troubleshooting, repairs, reviews, maintenance, and more!

Want to live aboard (tried) but family, mainly wife does not approve

14K views 59 replies 33 participants last post by  hellosailor 
#1 ·
Hello everyone.
I have made it my dream to live abord but I encountered alot of problems. I am planning on getting a cheap 40' boat and fixing it up myself so it will be the way I want it to be. I know a 40' sailboat is plenty of space for a family, however, my wife hates the idea. She simply does not want our kids or herself on the water. I personally love the idea and I know people who live on boats and live well.

I am tired of the B/S on land. I love the water. Does anyone have any ideas on how to change my wife's mind? By the way, we live in NJ.

Also, I intend to sail to Australia and England when and if I get a chance to.
 
#32 ·
Don an eye patch, sneak into the bed room late at night and slip a pillow case over her head. Take her hostage and smuggle her aboard your ship. Then start talking to her in a slow Puerto Rican accent. Tell her that every night at sea will be like the one she is about to have onboard tonight. Lavish her with warm oils and the sweet smell of scented candles.

The next morning when you both awake if she finds out it was you the night before one of two things will come about. Either you’ll be shopping L/A sailboats the next day or you both will have had the night of your lives.

-Capt Dave-
Galveston Bay, Texas
 
#33 ·
I can tell you that it's possible. 5 years ago my wife had only sailed twice and hated it. I'm now e-mailing you from an anchorage off of Cat Island in the Bahamas. We're in the 5th or 6th month (you lose track of time) of an almost 2 year cruise with our two kids (8 and 12). I know you didn't mention cruising, but here's what I did to convince my wife... first we watched a number of movies about cruising families (Ocean Wanderer was the best documentary we've seen to date). Then we bought a 23 foot trailer sailor. Then my wife went to a week long class in FL on her own (this was key) to get ASA certifications. Then we bought a 40 foot monohull, cruised around a lake for a couple of years on weekends and for a few weeklong trips. And now, here we are, in the Bahamas, living a dream that my wife now shares with me. Our family has never been closer, and will never be as close again, and I can say it's really good for the soul. Check out our blog, including some of the early entries when we were just thinking about going... s/v Pelican - Following A Dream.

Chris
 
#34 ·
#35 ·
I agree... something is off here... The chances of someone donating a boat in good enough condition to make the trip from FL to NJ, much less a 40' one... is miniscule...
 
#36 ·
I'm lucky, both myself and my husband wanted to cruise before we even met, since we've married, it is me that has pushed him further afield and off shore to more distant destinations. But that doesn't mean we didn't have to find some compromises.

Living aboard is simply harder than living in a house/apartment with all those conveniences. Your wife probably doesn't like the idea of being stuck in the cave below decks, cooking, and cleaning, while you are having "fun" up top tweaking the sails. Living aboard can be not being able to get a decent shower, hauling laundry and groceries from the nearest parking lot (or bus stop), being told to not use the head (my husband tried that line - just the once, because he didn't like to empty the tank so often) etc... Given all the undisputed negatives who can blame your wife?

If you want her to go with you - you have to balance things out. HELP / take responsibility for many of the traditional "housewife" chores so your wife gets to have some of the pleasure of living aboard too - has time to relax in the cockpit and read a book, or even sail while you look after the kids. Plan into your cruising/living so you expect to eat out frequently, to dock in places where she can get a dose of good shopping, flights home to catch up with friends and family, etc. from time to time. Make the benefits totally outweigh any inconveniences (who would not say not to being on some remote sun drenched, private beach for a week or more - while you are there, who cares about laundry?).

Sit down with your wife and try to understand what it is she doesn't like, and what her "perfect" live-aboard life would be... And please LISTEN, don't try and counter every statement she makes until you've heard the whole list. Then Ask - are some of the problems worth it for the benefits? If not how can we make these problems less of an issue? What can YOU (as the husband) do to remove or share these problems? There may not be an answer, but if you want to go sailing with your wife and family it is surely worth the time to ask and Listen - did I say Listen, that is important.

In an age where pools must have a secure and child safe perimeter fence, a boat can seem like a very child-unfriendly zone - so you have to put in precautions and rules that would not exist as dirt dwellers (and make sure everyone can swim, is tethered in or has a life jacket on - age dependent of course, probably not a good idea to tether your wife to the boat)

A book I loved, which has a chapter/section on working with your wife (rather than convincing her) - is Sensible Cruising: The Thoreau Approach - by Don Casey and Lew Hackler. At the end of the day if you can't work together you either won't go sailing, or you won't be married. Only you know which of those two futures you would choose, but hopefully you can find a way to do both.

Because of your wife's uncertainty and reluctance, you are going to have to set aside extra $'s from your boat budget just for your wife. If she might be interested Send her away on women only multi-day, live aboard sailing course. And be prepared to spend more on docking (rather than anchoring) where necessary, etc to make the whole thing more pleasant/attractive for her.

A 40' boat is going to be a big investment in your joint funds, and your time - another reason your wife may resent the boat. If you can't make her see that as family investment, and if you keep it as a separate project that you do while she stays at home, you are going to have some trouble.

I wish you luck. I think it really is a good life for a family. Any marital problems will be forced into the open once you are living in such close proximity, but rather discover and address them (if they exist), than live the comfortably numb life that most do. All the kids I know that live aboard are happy, articulate, intelligent, and confident - who wouldn't want that for their kids?

Beware of making promises/trades you don't mean, just to get your wife to "try" the boat - eventually they will bite you back.

Good luck, really, good luck, and I hope to see you out there soon.
 
#39 ·
I'm lucky, both myself and my husband wanted to cruise before we even met, since we've married, it is me that has pushed him further afield and off shore to more distant destinations. But that doesn't mean we didn't have to find some compromises.

Living aboard is simply harder than living in a house/apartment with all those conveniences. Your wife probably doesn't like the idea of being stuck in the cave below decks, cooking, and cleaning, while you are having "fun" up top tweaking the sails. Living aboard can be not being able to get a decent shower, hauling laundry and groceries from the nearest parking lot (or bus stop), being told to not use the head (my husband tried that line - just the once, because he didn't like to empty the tank so often) etc... Given all the undisputed negatives who can blame your wife?

If you want her to go with you - you have to balance things out. HELP / take responsibility for many of the traditional "housewife" chores so your wife gets to have some of the pleasure of living aboard too - has time to relax in the cockpit and read a book, or even sail while you look after the kids. Plan into your cruising/living so you expect to eat out frequently, to dock in places where she can get a dose of good shopping, flights home to catch up with friends and family, etc. from time to time. Make the benefits totally outweigh any inconveniences (who would not say not to being on some remote sun drenched, private beach for a week or more - while you are there, who cares about laundry?).

Sit down with your wife and try to understand what it is she doesn't like, and what her "perfect" live-aboard life would be... And please LISTEN, don't try and counter every statement she makes until you've heard the whole list. Then Ask - are some of the problems worth it for the benefits? If not how can we make these problems less of an issue? What can YOU (as the husband) do to remove or share these problems? There may not be an answer, but if you want to go sailing with your wife and family it is surely worth the time to ask and Listen - did I say Listen, that is important.

In an age where pools must have a secure and child safe perimeter fence, a boat can seem like a very child-unfriendly zone - so you have to put in precautions and rules that would not exist as dirt dwellers (and make sure everyone can swim, is tethered in or has a life jacket on - age dependent of course, probably not a good idea to tether your wife to the boat)

A book I loved, which has a chapter/section on working with your wife (rather than convincing her) - is Sensible Cruising: The Thoreau Approach - by Don Casey and Lew Hackler. At the end of the day if you can't work together you either won't go sailing, or you won't be married. Only you know which of those two futures you would choose, but hopefully you can find a way to do both.

Because of your wife's uncertainty and reluctance, you are going to have to set aside extra $'s from your boat budget just for your wife. If she might be interested Send her away on women only multi-day, live aboard sailing course. And be prepared to spend more on docking (rather than anchoring) where necessary, etc to make the whole thing more pleasant/attractive for her.

A 40' boat is going to be a big investment in your joint funds, and your time - another reason your wife may resent the boat. If you can't make her see that as family investment, and if you keep it as a separate project that you do while she stays at home, you are going to have some trouble.

I wish you luck. I think it really is a good life for a family. Any marital problems will be forced into the open once you are living in such close proximity, but rather discover and address them (if they exist), than live the comfortably numb life that most do. All the kids I know that live aboard are happy, articulate, intelligent, and confident - who wouldn't want that for their kids?

Beware of making promises/trades you don't mean, just to get your wife to "try" the boat - eventually they will bite you back.

Good luck, really, good luck, and I hope to see you out there soon.
Nice post, MarineGirl.

Brian
 
#37 ·
I would have liked to know why his wife didn't want to live aboard. I found it odd that this wasn't mentioned. No reasons given. Kinda like it was irrelevant...

Also, how can you figure out an approach if you don't know these reasons?

For example, oh, let's say she had a traumatic experience of near drowning as a child and is afraid of the water. Or maybe she gets awfully seasick just looking at water. Or she wants a backyard to putter around in. She would have to give up the house that was passed down to her and has been in the family for centuries. Or she just doesn't get the appeal of boats. I dunno, I can think of lots of very formidable reasons.

I bet she'd be the one who has to look after the kids...on aforementioned boat. Yeah, I can see how that would make a complicated and difficult life 10 times harder than it already is.

My point is, maybe if we knew more details we'd say living aboard is a very bad idea for this couple, or this fellow's wife.
 
#38 ·
We/he may never know why she doesn't want to live aboard. My wife has said NO more than once and I can't get her to tell me why. She does love to sail and the boat. We live in a RV and I ask her whats the difference. The only answer I get is "I'm not living aboard".

Us guys well never figure out the female way of thinking. All I can say is that we think with logic and they think with emotions.
 
#41 ·
Two of the previous posts above stated that living aboard is more difficult than living on land. I disagree, although without any objective data. My wife and I moved aboard in 1972; raised two children from infancy to college; and continue fulltime cruising in our 38th year of living aboard. There are many advantages in maintaining a smaller space as a home and wonderful benefits that come with the raising of a family in close quarters. The skills developed in resolving problems and effective communication are enhanced when you reside in a space less than 400 square feet. Although my wife and I were committed to living aboard before we married, we were not aware of the benefits of our family relationship that were in store for us. 'take care and joy, Aythya crew
 
#45 ·
I understand your pain. My ex-wife is like that. We waited/lasted until the kids were grown and then pursued our interests, independently. This is a good plan for us. I am still not convinced on the sanity raising kids on a boat.

Between "now and then", maybe you should focus on your kids and daysailing when you can get away. You may find one of your kids is insanely in love with sailing and be your sail buddy.
 
#46 ·
It's interesting to read this thread. Often times you hear that people are "tired of the BS on land" and think somehow there's no BS at marinas...I don't often hear that someone loves to be out on the water, loves the freedom of sailing, loves the quirky lifestyle of marinas...They think somehow it's living off the grid, less expensive or less fraught with difficulties.
I know nearly as many men who are not sold on living aboard as women- One of my friends (a woman) who was part of a couple who had the dream to cruise gave it up when her husband wanted to move back to land and she was quite unhappy about it...
I think dreams in good marriages are shared IMHO - but it is deceptive.
It is NOT simpler necessarily to liveaboard. You have less stuff, yes, but life can still be complex...don't get me wrong- I wouldn't trade it for the world but it's NOT an escape from the BS of land...
 
#47 ·
not 'simpler,' just 'different'

I agree that living aboard may not be simpler. True, you don't have to mow lawns or clear leaves from your rain gutters. OTOH, when you live on land, if you get a leak and don't fix it right away, your stuff gets wet. If you live on a boat and get a leak and don't fix it right away, your home may sink! I don't know that I'd call that 'simpler,' (not that I'd trade!)
 
#48 ·
Living Aboard

I can tell you from experience that living aboard is a challenge with a family. I was lucky however and my significant other was skeptical at first and then came to love the life after the first year. Here are my suggestions, and what worked for me in my own experience.

1. Move to a warmer climate. The less resistance, the better life is aboard.
2. Get her involved in your excitement, have her invovled in all of it, show her the books, how to navigate, the boat systems, etc.
3. Get the boat underway and travel asap. Show her the unihabited islands, dolphins, fishing, sea turtles, etc.
4. Learn to meet her halfway on some things.
5. Keep your boat as large as possible. We traded our 34' catamaran for a 44' catamaran, and it was a huge difference and comfort for my significant other.

We have raised our son aboard since he was a year old. He is now three and loves the boat and gets invovled in small things for now. He knows the anchor lines, the jib sheaths, the main halyard. I am proud to be raising him this way and having him in touch with nature.

We plan on sailing to south America and then Austraila soon. I am lucky to have a job where I have that kind of flexability. It is easier for your wife once she sees the kids adhere to the lifestyle. However certain land comforts are always nice on occasions (like long showers, and the occasional buffet). Make the boat as comfortable as possible (A/C, Television, 110volt power inverters) My reasons for living on the water were similiar to yours, so baby step her into it. But get further south. NJ sucks in the winter to live aboard!
 
#49 ·
There is a lot of good advice here. I will try to make mine short and sweet.

Go slow. Find other sailing mamas and get her acquainted with them either via blogs or in person. Let her come to realize on her own why this is such a fabulous lifestyle... especially for kids!

I have some links on my blog (below) to other sailing families like us. Then they have links on their blogs... and so on.

If she sees pics of kids and moms doing everyday stuff on a boat, that will help. Then on top of that she'll see the not-so-everyday amazing side of the lifestyle, and hopefully she'll say, "THAT'S what I want for my kids!"
 
#50 ·
Another good reference on living aboard is 'The Essentials of Living Aboard a Boat' by Mark Nicholas. This book discusses some of the important considerations of dock-side living. It provides a good reality check for anyone considering moving aboard...even those who are already certain they want to make such a change in their lifestyle.
 
#54 ·
My wife once told me that I love that boat so much I should go live on it, I started packing. I never heard that statement again.

When I was first married I would discuss what my plans were for my boat or my cars and my wife would get involved and it then it got complicated, I would never accomplish what I wanted. I finally quit asking and just did what I wanted the discussions lasted the same amount of time and I ended up with what I wanted.

The last item I did that with was with a Triumph TR6, I have restored LBC's for years. I bought this one and drug it home, as I was unloading it she said I can't believe you bought this with out asking me I said yep sure did. A year later she is riding around in the car with me and going to events meeting friends and have a great time.
 
#57 ·
Most fascinating topic. Even in Norway, which is more or less a heap of rocks with a coastline. Where we have a 2000 years sailing/boating tradition and many people live on islands and use boats every day to go to the mainland. We are only 4,5 million people and we have about 700 000 leisure boats, and I believe it will be difficult to find a Norwegian that does not have some kind of boating experience. Or having once in a lifetime caught a fish in the sea.

So it can not be ignorance of the sea that makes it difficult to find a wife that have a dream of living aboard a boat. Although most wives in Norway consent to be transported from the main rock to some smaller rock out in the sea within 30 - 60 minutes ride.

As far as I now there are about 200 families living aboard in Norway and about 100 families sailing around the world somewhere. That is 7 persons in 10 000. That should correspond to about 205 000 Americans. So I guess it is a bit easier en Norway? Pr. capita that is.

Now the topic is often discussed in fora like this. That is, more men want to live aboard and facing the challenges of convincing the wife. These discussions may be summed up more or less like this:

1) Wife distrusts the sea
2) Wife distrusts the skipper
3) Wife distrusts both

Provided these three minor problems are properly handled, there still remains a some issues, to mention a few:

1) Children's schooling.
2) Medical care.
3) Where does the money come from and when and how?
4) Can the boat be kept warm? (important on our latitude)

There is, however, one conclusion more important than all others: "You can not escape your life living aboard!"
 
#60 ·
tj-
The US has about 300 million citizens (and possibly some 30-50 million illegals on top of that) compared to your 4.5 million. So if the numbers were comparable, we'd have about 13,333 families living aboard, not 205,000 people unless I've done the numbers wrong with a metric conversion.<G>
I doubt we have that many but counting the various houseboat communities it certainly might be possible, or at least half of it might be possible. Bear in mind that compared to Nroway we have a much shorter tradition of very much cheaper land and very much larger farmsteads and estates. Why our women would want to be cooped up in small spaces like boats, when they've been promised a white picket fence and house all their own, I can't begin to guess. I suspect that if Norwegian women were offered the same options--you might have a lot of unhappy men selling off their boats!
Compared to your 307,400 sq. km. of territory, we have just under 9,162,000 sq. km. of land, 29 times the land mass and way less of it split up into islands or mountain fjords. Then again...we also have a lot of ex-Norwegians scattered about, perhaps the ones who didn't want to live on boats all came here? <VBG>
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top