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Couples living aboard how goes the relationship

23K views 120 replies 35 participants last post by  melody1204 
#1 ·
I'm looking to live aboard in a few years with my wife. We will be empty nesters and would love to hear from other couples that are in the process of moving to the lifestyle or have been living aboard. How has the stress of the change and limited space affected your relationship? What stories do you have you wouldn't mind sharing with us. My wife and I have a very strong relationship and we complement each other very well. Hopefully living in such close quarters all the time won't change that. One more thing, has anyone seen a sailboat not 70 feet or more that has a Queen/King size berth one thing that would make the transition easier for my wife, I tend to be a bed hog maybe because I’m 6’2 and not small.
 
#2 · (Edited)
I'm looking to live aboard in a few years with my wife. We will be empty nesters and would love to hear from other couples that are in the process of moving to the lifestyle or have been living aboard. How has the stress of the change and limited space affected your relationship? What stories do you have you wouldn't mind sharing with us. My wife and I have a very strong relationship and we complement each other very well. Hopefully living in such close quarters all the time won't change that. One more thing, has anyone seen a sailboat not 70 feet or more that has a Queen/King size berth one thing that would make the transition easier for my wife, I tend to be a bed hog maybe because I'm 6'2 and not small.
Will follow this thread with keen interest!

I am planning to be a liveaboard very soon, I am single now but do not intend to live out my days as such and I have wondered how couples get on in a liveaboard capacity. With regard to your bed question...

This is the aft cabin on my 'someday' boat:


Isn't she pretty!


If however your budget does not stretch to such luxury...
Mine doesn't either (but you have to have a dream)

I found a few boats that have the kind of layout you are referring to, to my knowledge the type of bed (like you describe) is known as a centreline double or centreline queen bed.

From my time browsing the classified I found that not every boat that has this configuration is advertised as such. So you may have to scour a number of ads.

I found that the Hunter Passage 42 looked to be a lot of boat for the money, but the online consensus seems to be that they are great boats but built to a budget and as such are not ideal extended blue water boats.
(Just in case I open a can of worms and upset HP42 owners... The above is only the feeling that I have got from reading forums etc. and an HP42 is still one of the boats on my list in-spite of the above!)

Here is the aft cabin from a (2000) hunter passage 42:


And a different (1995) HP42:


The smallest boat I found with this kind of layout was 34ft, but I can't remember what it was. There are a number of manufacturers make boats with this configuration from 36ft upwards, but it is more common as you go bigger.
 
#3 ·
We moved aboard 7 years ago, on the dock for 4 years and then cruising the past 3 years. One of the conditions was to have a home base, so we invested in a condo, rent it out, but that way have a home base.
The big shocks are lack of storage and the major downsizing you need to do. We did this in stages, getting rid of most items and then pushed what was left into storage. After first year downsized storage buy getting rid of more and giving some to kids. By third year we emptied storage.
The other key is to make the boat a home, as much unlike camping as you can. We dumped all the plastic stuff and moved our china (robust), silverware and glasses aboard. Added lots of pictures, and a digital frame helped a lot as well. Throw rugs and some pillows help.
Good comms home to friends and family tend to be more important to women as well, so cater for that.
As for boat, dont need 70', lots of boats in 40' range have a queen sized berth. Ours is a 41 with an aft cabin with a tapered berth slightly shorter than a queen and a bit wider.
Our relationship has become even stronger over the past years. Certainly not all roses and there are road bumps but if you work as a team and good communication and shared decision making it works great.
An old sailor once said "living aboard will make a strong couple stronger and end a weak marriage."
 
#4 ·
Although at this time my wife and I are not yet full live aboards we have spent a few months on the boat at a time. At the end of this year I am retiring and we plan on moving aboard at that time. We just moved up from a 32' to a 38' which does have a queen size berth in the aft cabin. Obviously how well you get along with your wife will depend on how well you transition to the boat. The long times we spent on the boat was no problem for us at all thus lead us to the desire to live aboard. I can always find a place on the boat to be by myself if I feel the need to be alone for awhile. A good dinghy ride also helps.
 
#8 ·
SWMBO and I and Finn largely live aboard Whiskeyjack from April to October. What we have learned:
1. The stuff that bothers each of you about each other in 2000 sq ft on land does not magically go away in less than 200 sq ft on water. Learn to communicate, consider and compromise.
2. If you take it out, put it away. Now.
3. Each new item onboard means an old item has to leave.
4. It's okay to not talk.
5. One cooks, one does dishes. Helping doesn't help.
6. When the dawg needs shore patrol, the dawg. needs. shore. patrol. now.
7. Find your own quiet spot, whether it is the v-berth, quarter berth, foredeck or cockpit.
8. You don't have to get there today. You don't even have to get there tomorrow.
9. When docking, mooring, anchoring, tacking or damn near anything goes awry, talk it out, then hug it out.
10. There is a difference between being heard, and yelling.
 
#9 ·
I like the idea of finding your own space, thats something that we have needed to do on land too. I have my garage gym and she has her office space to make her own. I'm thinking we work out a separate space for each to have as our own. Thanks for all the responses so far keep em coming please. Glad to hear a mid 40 could be a good fit, I'm hoping that we will be able to see several next week when we are at Flagler for vacation. I see a Benneteau dealer just outside of Jacksonville. hopefully I'll find a couple of marina's with dealerships so we can see inside a bunch.
 
#14 ·
My wife and I have lived aboard with our dog Shamus since October 2010. We have a very close relationship and actually still miss each other daily after 16 years of marriage. We were fully matured independent adults when we met which I think allowed us to establish such a close relationship. We do not seek out our own space on our 40ft. boat. Instead we stay within arms reach of each other at most times. We share in the maintenance and cleaning of the boat. We both have our strengths and we accept that.

We do many activities off the boat too. Mountain biking, skiing, hiking, scuba diving, etc.

Our secret is love and respect. We are best friends and have eliminated the words never and always from our vocabulary. We can be brutally honest with each other any time we need to be.

Living aboard can be very difficult for some couples. Coastal cruising for at least 2 weeks will help you decide if you can do this.

Making sure you both agree up front on what features the boat should have and why. We thought we wanted a queen center berth but that invariably meant CC which neither of us wanted. Our pullman is quite adequate and there is even room for Shamus at our feet. I am 6'0" and my wife is 5'10".

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
 
#18 ·
The aft cabin on the Catalina looks something like the MRI I had to be removed from after realizing I had become claustrophobic at some point. That being said its good to know a smaller boat could still have a large enough berth for our needs. Checking it out in person should give me a better idea. Boat show here we come.
 
#31 ·
I've been in an MRI machine and I have a Catalina 380. There is NO comparison. There is a lot more room than it appears in the photo. Plenty of room to read in an inclined position. We don't live aboard by we have been on board for a week at a time and space in the aft cabin has not been an issue.

Would be interested to know what you end up with.
 
#21 ·
Our only home has been a 33-foot sailboat for the last 10 years (7 dockside & 3 cruising). Close quarters has definitely made our already solid marriage better. Perforce, communicatiion is better and we know what each other is thinking without need for words, now. 2 things help: (1) figure out what makes *you* feel like you're camping out and address that, as others have said on this thread. Plastic dishes? No freezer? For me, it was walking back from a public bathhouse with wet hair ... so being able to take hot showers aboard was non-negotiable. (2) The second thing that helps -- virtual privacy. You can't really get away from each other but you can have enough respect for mental space - no shoulder-surfing, reading each others rough drafts without permission, commenting on overheard cellphone conversations or (*bathroom noises*) etc etc.

We both learned to sail the same way, the same time, from the same sources, so we don't fight about approaches to technical problems. Although I'm the better navigator and he's the better sail-trimmer, we basically are equal partners in sailing and cruising. We also have a sailing rule that whoever has the more conservative approach rules. If one wants to reef and the other doesn't, we reef. If one wants to try a shortcut but the other is nervous about the shoal, we go the long way around. Deciding this a priori means we never get into fights underway, and one doesn't scare the other.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this life! No plans to move back to land - or even to a bigger boat - until our bodies give out. And then, only reluctantly.
 
#23 ·
Definitely

TropicCat

My wife and I went to the Annoplis boat show and fell in love with the Leopard 39 because we figured it would have the room for our two dogs as well as space for kids if and when we have them. However, we would have to put the dream off till much later because of the price. What's your opinion on getting what you need and can afford now and upgrading later?
 
#24 ·
Re: Definitely

TropicCat

My wife and I went to the Annoplis boat show and fell in love with the Leopard 39 because we figured it would have the room for our two dogs as well as space for kids if and when we have them. However, we would have to put the dream off till much later because of the price. What's your opinion on getting what you need and can afford now and upgrading later?
We do plan on working up to what we need to live aboard, starting with some sailing lessons at the lake near us, followed by a smaller boat on the lake. Baby steps, were not ready to go hole hog since we have a few more years till our nest is empty.
 
#26 · (Edited)
We sleep on a single twin size bed (the smallest mattress size), though I'm 5'8" and she's 5'4".
We tried a queen once, but it was too big, and not cuddly enough so we threw it out.
On our single our cat oftentimes sleeps under or betwixt our feet.

Personally I'd rather stay away from those large boats that can't be singlehanded, else how would we take shifts?
Also the bigger the boat, the bigger the "Boom", which is bad enough if someone gets caught on a dinghy.
Also bigger boats have more draught so have fewer places to go, and have to be farther from shore.

We were planning on something in the 24-30ft range,
that we can buy in cash, as have intense aversion to debt.
That way as soon as we buy something, can save for next thing.

We do intend on having a landbase later on also,
so can dock and do various projects, like boat building,
permaculture provisioning, resource harvesting and storage.
Hopefully by then the canadian residential bubble will burst,
if so perhaps we could get a place big enough for a marina.
 
#32 ·
We sleep on a single twin size bed (the smallest mattress size), though I'm 5'8" and she's 5'4".
We tried a queen once, but it was too big, and not cuddly enough so we threw it out.
On our single our cat oftentimes sleeps under or betwixt our feet.

Personally I'd rather stay away from those large boats that can't be singlehanded, else how would we take shifts?
Also the bigger the boat, the bigger the "Boom", which is bad enough if someone gets caught on a dinghy.
Also bigger boats have more draught so have fewer places to go, and have to be farther from shore.

We were planning on something in the 24-30ft range,
that we can buy in cash, as have intense aversion to debt.
That way as soon as we buy something, can save for next thing.

We do intend on having a landbase later on also,
so can dock and do various projects, like boat building,
permaculture provisioning, resource harvesting and storage.
Hopefully by then the canadian residential bubble will burst,
if so perhaps we could get a place big enough for a marina.
We have a Ta Chiao CT 56, ketch, and we can single hand her. She has a 6.5 foot draft. We also have a walk around queen size aft bunk, with couches on either side of that; and 2 other staterooms, with 2 heads and 2 stall showers. She also has a washer and dryer, a full galley, a dinette, a large main salon with a spacious floor instead of a narrow path.... etc., etc.

So, some people can live in a very confined space, and some of them will rationalize why they like that; but others choose to live more comfortably, without having to rationalize anything.

Choose what you want, but don't tell me you have to live in a little boat.
 
#28 ·
We lived aboard a GulfStar 50 ketch for roughly 5 years. And we just bought a CT 56 to liveaboard.
Besides the required stripping down of excess baggage, I have found that keeping issues like the smell of diesel and or leaks from the deck from occurring are worth their weight in gold, in supporting marital bliss, besides the obvious physical advantages.
Your wife should "see" the value and enjoyment of cruising for her to truly sign onto this lifestyle for the long run.
So, as in any lifestyle / cohabitation, keep it interesting. Plan some trips conservatively, i.e., not too taxing, which will provide the "why we do this" reasons to her, so she can have something to offset the negatives.
For instance, we cruised the entire Eastern Seaboard a couple years ago, from Fort Lauderdale to Boothbay Harbor Maine; stopping EVERYWHERE. She still tells people this was one of her best experiences of her life.
And finally, avoid exposing her to cruising on bad weather days. If you're crossing the Gulf Stream from Florida to the Bahamas, WAIT until you won't be "rolling" the whole way.
The difference between a great experience and Hell on earth will frequently be directly related to the weather / winds / waves.
As far as boat size.... bigger IS better. :)
 
#30 ·
Umm, if you have secrets, you won't after sailing around together. Why? Because spending so much time together is great for your marriage and eventually everything comes out. I think a lot of people go through this kinda fear that their marriage will be ruined, but really cruising together will be amazing and any underlying cracks in your marital foundation will start to show because the bandaids are removed. The cover up you use to blend into a society where everyone judges you and you care what people think of you.

The problems that arise have nothing to do with the lack of space and everything to do with the lack of stress and abundance of time and space.

Seriously is sleeping in close quarters with your better half an issue? Then maybe you should be asking yourself why it is an issue and not us fool s on the web their opinion on boat size.
 
#51 ·
I don't see anything wrong with the link. SailNet rules apply to commercial websites and I don't see your site as overtly commercial.

rgds

Andrew B
 
#35 ·
I'm looking to live aboard in a few years with my wife. We will be empty nesters and would love to hear from other couples that are in the process of moving to the lifestyle or have been living aboard. How has the stress of the change and limited space affected your relationship? What stories do you have you wouldn't mind sharing with us. My wife and I have a very strong relationship and we complement each other very well. Hopefully living in such close quarters all the time won't change that. One more thing, has anyone seen a sailboat not 70 feet or more that has a Queen/King size berth one thing that would make the transition easier for my wife, I tend to be a bed hog maybe because I'm 6'2 and not small.
Don't take this offensively even though it may come off that way, but have you thought about loosing some weight in the first place? I don't mean it just to be able to fit in a boat or particular size bed, which would be the most ridiculous reason in the world, but for all the other benefits in addition to it. It certainly would make a world of difference in your health, you relationship, your way of living in general, your comfort 24/7, and would help you enjoy life in general much more. Despite you being 6'2", it will feel like you are another person all of the sudden. Most of us carry too much baggage (in other words, we are too fat) and continuously try to compensate by getting bigger everything around us instead of trying to address the problem in the first place. Just a suggestion!!

I know it is un-american to suggest you loose some weight rather than buying a much bigger boat and spending more money in buying something instead, but I will take one for the team;)
 
#37 ·
Oh come on man..... the poster was nicely asking for some honest information toward he and his wife reaching for the liveaboard life and you suggest weight watchers?

He and his wife want a comfortable spacious vessel. There is nothing wrong with that, and that is quite easily obtained. Provide your knowledge toward his goal instead of your anti-obesity rhetoric.

To the original poster.... Buy as big a boat as you can afford. Weight watchers is for an entirely different web site.
 
#38 ·
Doug, the problem with "buy as big a boat as you can afford" is that only a more experienced person knows what that implies. I wonder if someone new to to boating wouldn't be taking on too much with a 50+ footer? There is a lot to learn about managing a complex boat, not to mention sailing and docking (which I agree with you on- no big deal to do singlehanded once you have the experience). I have to say that I think my 35ft boat is just about ideal for me and my family. I have all the comforts I need and have kept the systems as simple as possible. I can handle all the maintenance and it takes only a few minutes to put up the sails to go sailing (and a few to put the boat to bed). It's very comfortable inside and the cockpit is better than any I've seen on any boat to date. The best part is that we don't feel like we're slaves to the boat- always fixing, cleaning, adjusting, revamping, resealing, repairing and so on. There are people who are happy living on small boats and people who are happy living on big boats. The challenge is knowing what size you need BEFORE you have the experience of living on both big and small boats. I think that a smaller boat has so many advantages over a big boat, but that's just me. However, I would only consider a small boat that had exceptional storage so that EVERYTHING is stowed in its place. There is NOTHING worse than a cluttered small boat!
 
#39 ·
Good points..... but, for a liveaboard, I'd rather start with the largest possible and learn that, then when that phase is behind me, we have the space for comfortable living.
When we had the 50 foot GulfStar, as large as that was, when we were in the main salon, there was only a relatively small area between the opposing settee and couch to walk through. So, when we both wanted to move / walk, it was a tight maneuver to walk past each other. The boat we have now has an open floor space, which is large enough to dance upon.
:)
As far as the amount of time it takes to raise or lower the sails, well, there might be a few seconds more time to raise each of them, just because they are a bit higher, but I'm not in the Americas Cup racing, so a few seconds isn't anything of value to me.
I still have one halyard for one sail, and a pair of sheets per forward sail(s).
I haven't noticed any additional hassles or time to deploy those, or furl them either. It is the same configuration, the same lines, just slightly longer, and or, slightly larger all the way around.

As far as docking, the bigger the boat, as I have experienced, the smoother she pulls into or leaves a dock. This boat is 65,000 lbs., with a full keel and a 135 hp Ford Lehman. It has hydraulic steering too. As I learned a long time ago, for dock maneuvers, go as slow as you can, and with this larger boat, the currents and wind have a much lower influence on the boat when docking. Clearly a lighter boat will be more easily affected by those influences. This one is like a slow moving train, which requires a lot more energy to make it deviate from where I am directing her to go.

As far as keeping her "simple", from the key in the ignition to the throttle / shifter controls, to the lines / sheets, and the navigation equipment, all of these I had in a smaller boat, and are neither new things to deal with, nor are they any more involved than the smaller boat ones. Depth, wind velocity / direction, auto helm, SOG, etc., are the same issues regardless of size.

And, if I have a bigger "family" onboard, everyone is out of the way, more often than not, instead of having to be directed where to sit, or where to go.

More space will require more sandpaper and varnish, without any argument.
Longer wires if you need to add a device are required, larger tanks to clean, bigger sheets for the bigger beds, larger tables to wipe down, larger shower stalls to wash the walls of, bigger floor space to vacuum or mop, more windows and port lights to clean, bigger couches to fluff the pillows on, and all the other slightly greater tasks involved with a larger living space are unarguably more not less laborious. But, do I really mind having to vacuum or mop more than a small walk way so much that I don't like a spacious floor plan? Really? No, I like having the space and have never minded maintaining it.

Even maintaining the engine is basically the same. There is one oil filter, one input and return fuel line, etc., though it does contain more oil.... and instead of one gallon per hour this runs 2 gallons per hour, including the 8 kw diesel generator.... not a real problem, considering I generally run the motr for about 1 hour at the most from the dock until I raise the larger sails, and then press the same size engine kill button to turn that off.... :)

It isn't any more complex than the smaller one, just stronger, and bigger.

What I have already mentioned is not a "plus" vs a smaller sailboat is the amount of low wind speed, and maneuverability. A large displacement boat requires more wind to move along, requires more space to turn around in, and is clearly not as "nimble".

I could also mention that it requires bigger waves to rock us! I have been delighted by the fact that when a motor boat goes flying by me, I am barely affected!!!! Cool, VERY cool!

So, all in all, my "family" is more comfortable, and less bounced around, not to mention SAFER since they are less likely to break a rib by being thrown around, or worse yet, thrown overboard.

Come on out with me, and note how relaxing it is being able to really stretch out, and remain that way while you read a book, or just watch the waves go by the hull.

This isn't camping out, this is comfortable relaxing living; and isn't that what a liveaborad should be?
 
#41 ·
Overall, I should mention that while we were living in Fort Lauderdale, our slip was on Isle of Venice, a concentrated location for sailboats, and we witnessed numerous middle aged to recently retired couples taking possession of their new possession / sailboat.

On more than a few of these observations / exposures, these people proudly exclaimed their logic in buying a "starter" sailboat to learn on, and then per their plan, they would trade up when ready.

Well, on every single one of those gyrations we witnessed, when that couple finally made their first crossing of the Gulf Stream, they returned totally depressed, not to mention frightened.

They were bounced to death. Their 30 something footers were like scooters on interstate 95, i.e., not what you want, especially with less knowledge to know how to deal with the waves and following sea.

And then after a few days, they would quietly proclaim that their boats were for sale.
Sadly, because they started small, their dream came to an uncomfortable end.

From there, what did they do to replace their retirement or middle age plans and dreams?
RVs, Cruise lines, or Delta Airlines, or nothing at all.....

We saw this too many times for me to keep my mouth shut when someone is asking for my advice.

Buy as big as you can afford, and enjoy in reality what you dreamed of.
 
#50 ·
Overall, I should mention that while we were living in Fort Lauderdale, our slip was on Isle of Venice, a concentrated location for sailboats, and we witnessed numerous middle aged to recently retired couples taking possession of their new possession / sailboat.

On more than a few of these observations / exposures, these people proudly exclaimed their logic in buying a "starter" sailboat to learn on, and then per their plan, they would trade up when ready.

Well, on every single one of those gyrations we witnessed, when that couple finally made their first crossing of the Gulf Stream, they returned totally depressed, not to mention frightened.

They were bounced to death. Their 30 something footers were like scooters on interstate 95, i.e., not what you want, especially with less knowledge to know how to deal with the waves and following sea.

And then after a few days, they would quietly proclaim that their boats were for sale.
Sadly, because they started small, their dream came to an uncomfortable end.

From there, what did they do to replace their retirement or middle age plans and dreams?
RVs, Cruise lines, or Delta Airlines, or nothing at all.....

We saw this too many times for me to keep my mouth shut when someone is asking for my advice.

Buy as big as you can afford, and enjoy in reality what you dreamed of.
The real reason those recently retired and middle aged sailors gave up their dreams and sold the boat was because they never spent the time to learn and develop their sailing and seamanship skills together.
It comes as a great shock to many recently retired folks how physically demanding sailing is, not to mention the maintenance, loss of contact with friends, family and business associates.
More often then not it was the "mans" dream, dragging the wife along.

I've seen the same scenario half way across the world for the past 13 years.

Size has nothing to do with it.
 
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