Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[Neises]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe...

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,

"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets almost down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking, and he immediately pukes up the chili, back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[camaraderie]

On Getting Older.1.) Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? "
2.)Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
3.)The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .

4.) I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
< BR>5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, an d second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

7.) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
9.) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

11.) Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


12.) --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Sailormann]

Difference Between Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them?

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night "out with the guys", smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next."

Medically speaking, there is no difference since both ultimately result in death
..

[sailaway21]

What comes out of a penis, when it gets hard? The wrinkles.
Why don't witches wear underwear?


They get a better grip on their broomstick.

[tdw]

Tourist visiting Spain goes along to a bullfight. There he meets a quite lovely women who, it turns out, is the wife of the star bullfighter. Anyway she invites him home for dinner where he's presented with a dish of something he cannot identify. After he's finished he compliments her on such a marvelous dish and asks what it was. Her reply is that today her husband killed a bull and it is considered an honour to serve the bulls testicles to a special guest.
A few weeks late he meets her again and once again goes to her home for dinner. She presents him with a similar dish which he eats and compliments her again on how tasty it was but questions why such a major difference in size from last time.
Ah Senor she replies, sometimes the bull he wins.

[sailortjk1]

Small Sample offficeffice" />>>
Humors Boating Terms>>
>>
Amidships, Condition of being surrounded by boats.>>
>>
Anchor Light, Small light used to discharge the batteries before daylight.>>
>>
Backstay, Last thing to grab before falling overboard.>>
>>
Calk, Any one of a number of substances introduced into the spaces between planks in the hull and decking of a boat that give a smooth, finished appearance while still permitting the passage of a significant amount of seawater.>>
>>
Chart, Type of nautical map, which tells you exactly where you are aground or what you just hit.>>
>>
Chine, What the sun does.>>
>>

[camaraderie]

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this earth.
He spoke to his toes.

"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes?
You know, you are 92 today.

Oh,the times we've had! Remember we walked in
The park every Sunday Afternoon. The times we
Waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, Toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees?
You know you're 92 Today. Oh, the times we've had!
Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little bugger,
If you were alive today, you'd be 92."

[Sailormann]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for
a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs,
and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur
and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner...
lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a
show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just
died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he
turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new
dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling
me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Sailormann]

Some people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a
flight of stairs.

[Sailormann]

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."