Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[craigtoo]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have $ex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

[knothead]

Why men are so proud of themselves...

---

1. They know stuff about guns.

2. A two week trip requires only one suitcase.

3. They can open all of their jars.

4. They can go to the bathroom without a support group.

5. They don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

6. They can leave a motel bed unmade.

7. They can kill their own food.

8. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

9. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

10. If someone forgets to invite them to something, they can still be friends.

11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack.

12. If they are 34 and single, nobody notices.

13. Everything on their face stays the original color.

14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

15. They don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.

16. Car mechanics tell them the truth.

17. They can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."

18. Same work-more pay.

19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

20. They can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit they just might become lifelong friends.

22. Their pals will never trap them with: "So, notice anything different?"

23. They are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

24. They also never have a "strap problem" in public.

25. They are totally unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.

26. The same hairstyle last for years-maybe decades.

27. They don't have to shave below the neck.

28. A few belches are expected and tolerated.

29. Their belly usually hides their big hips.

30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

31. They can do their nails with a pocketknife.

32. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.

[MIKEMCKEE]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Ohio. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye---enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

[sailingdog]

Originally Posted by MIKEMCKEE

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Ohio. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye---enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

That third man married a Korean gal...didn't he...

[WouldaShoulda]

12. If they are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Actually, everyone will think you are gay!!

[MIKEMCKEE]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission Impossible' theme ..

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[N0NJY]

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality.

For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.

Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back across the river to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.

[camaraderie]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons? The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again. The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized? The blonde said, 'No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my face'

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: AN UNUSUAL ANSWERED PRAYER



A pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or
the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim' s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM."

[MIKEMCKEE]

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS



The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.



01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?_____



02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on the ________ Show.



03 'Get your kicks, __________________.'



04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'



05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___



06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'



07. Nestle's makes the very best . . . . _______________.'



08. Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _______________.



09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.



10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________________. '



11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______________.



12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.



13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.



14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.



15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.



















ANSWERS :

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04. To protect the innocent.

05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hula-hoop