Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[sailortjk1]

Missed 1-1/2.
The two part Red Skelton question was my half.
Guess I'm pretty old.

[MIKEMCKEE]

The only one I had trouble with was the one about sliding under the pole. Were not getting older were just getting better.

Mike

[bubb2]

I missed just one and it's not that I didn't know it, I just couldn't remember it. It's the age thing again, Thanks for the memories.

[chucklesR]

I missed a bunch, but then I couldn't afford television when I was young and even if we'd had one we had no electricity.

Why we were so poor we shared shoes. I used to love second tuesdays of the month. That's the day I got both of them.

[werebeagle]

missed two.

[MIKEMCKEE]

The Zipper ,
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'

[bubb2]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

[MIKEMCKEE]

TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES

#10 Golfer: "I think I am going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually!"

#6 Golfer: "You got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it is a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


AND THE #1 BEST CADDY COMMENT....

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it is too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[camaraderie]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with yourwife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'


'Yes, she has,' says the man.


'And what is it?' asks the doctor.



'We're getting new countertops.'

[craigtoo]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.


The sign says:


'SEX FROGS'

Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,
'Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,
she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,
and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise
. . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed
and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions
and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says,
'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog,
stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:



'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'