Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[TaMoko]

Funny.......Clever! ;-)

[camaraderie]

Subject: Woman is swallowed whole by leopard.


Not one for the squeamish!



Woman swallowed whole by leopard

I thought it was one of those fake emails too,until I saw the photo below. Somehow the woman was lodged in the leopard's throat and they finally cut the leopard's head off to let the woman escape.

She was unharmed.... Unbelievable!!

* CAUTION: Photo follows...
may be too frightening for some viewersScroll down



















spots.JPG

[mstern]

Paris Hilton takes her little chiuahua into a bar. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. This drunk is so out of it that he doesn't even notice she is there. Paris puts her dog on the floor and tries to get the bartender's attention to order a drink. Just then, the drunk leans over and throws up on the floor, all over the little dog. This snaps the drunk out of his stupor; he looks down at the little dog in the middle of the mess he has just made on the floor and says, "Wow, I don't remember eating that."

[MIKEMCKEE]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10... You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[bubb2]

Endangered Species

[camaraderie]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied
the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

[mrwuffles]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.ay

[xort]

11. Only in america...would the president appoint a tax cheat to run the IRS.

[MIKEMCKEE]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said
"No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You
should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were peopl e
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[MIKEMCKEE]

This heart-warming story should put an end to the canard that golfers are not good husbands.



A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.



"Help me dear" she groans to her husband.



He quickly calls 911 on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke. His wife picks up her head off the green and stares at him.



"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"



"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."



"Well, how long will it take to get here?" she asks him feebly.



"No time at all," says her husband, "Everybody has agreed to let him play through."