Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[Sailormann]

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[camaraderie]

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it
spells "Theirs."

[PBzeer]

If you think the French don't have a sense of humor, spell Evian (as in bottled water) backwards.

[Sailormann]

The Importance of Underwear
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this
one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially
when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News
comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The
wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[tdw]

Originally Posted by Sailormann

The Importance of Underwear
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this
one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!

.

I'm alive, alive I tell you !!

[tdw]

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

A:

[tdw]

Hey , did you hear that Ms Wombat has bought new coruroy oillow cased for our boat ?

You should have, the're making headlines.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

[tdw]

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."

(for those of you who have no idea about the game when you are asking for an umpires decision in cricket you shout out "Hows That" or in Australian "Owzat")

[werebeagle]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."

[tdw]

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!"