Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[sailortjk1]

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you.

[MIKEMCKEE]

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other'.

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it, honey?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[MIKEMCKEE]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The
> >> material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
> >> sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
> >> stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
> >> disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
> >> germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
> >> most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
> >> here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
> >> years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
> >> man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[MIKEMCKEE]

he Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the edge of a forest in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: Oh, To Be Six Again


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.


?I'd like to be six again?, she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monste Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with herhusband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

?Well Dear, what was it like being six again??


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ?I meant my

dress size, you retard!!!?


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,

?he is gonna get it wrong.

[MIKEMCKEE]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the
Ottawa river . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I
can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the
same age and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Crock, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small 'Crock.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
Parliament Buildings.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?''Well, I crawl up under
one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them
and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
a**hole and a briefcase.'

[MIKEMCKEE]

Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These ...

In
a hospital's intensive care unit, patients always seemed to die in the same
bed, always on a Sunday morning, and always at about 11:00 am - regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
might have something to do with the supernatural.

No
one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths had
occurred, so a team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of these incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before
11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what this terrible phenomenon might be. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to
ward off evil spirits.

Just
when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson - the part-time Sunday janitor -
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the
vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad
Day???
The average
cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of these expensively-saved animals were
released back into the wild water amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view of the crowd, a killer
whale ate them both.

Still think you?re
having a Bad Day???
A woman
came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically - almost in a
dancing frenzy - with a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked
him with a handy 2 x 4, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are ya better now?
No???
Two animal
rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a
broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were
trampled to death.

What??? You still think
you?re having a Bad Day???
Iraqi terrorist
Khay Rahnajet didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb. It came
back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb he?d mailed, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is indeed
good!

[MIKEMCKEE]

This incident took place in Dublin a while ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local towns people.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic.

Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was travelling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.
Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door.

Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life.

Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel.

John was paralysed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.
Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub.

Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked
in to escape the stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, 'Look Paddy, there's that f*@#* idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it.'

[flyingwelshman]

The Ship's Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Ships Officers.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

A Deck Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Engineering Officer said it was 50-50%.

A Chief Warrant Officer responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Admiral turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir," began the seaman, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[MIKEMCKEE]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
> >>>
> >>> A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
> >>> Paperwork, and was burned out.. Hoping to try another career where
> >>> Skillful
> >>> hands would be beneficial; He decided to become a mechanic.
> >>> He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
> >>> attended diligently, and learned all he could.
> >>> When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
> >>> prepared
> >>> carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
> >>> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
> >>> obtained
> >> a
> >>> score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I
> >> don't
> >>> want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder
> >>> if
> >>> there is an error in the grade.
> >>>
> >>> "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
> >> perfectly,
> >>> which was worth 50% of the total mark.
> >>>
> >>> You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth
> >>> 50%
> >> of
> >>> the mark."
> >>>
> >>> After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
> >>> you
> >>> did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
> >>> career"