Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock



(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.


While his coffeepot



(MADE IN CHINA )



was perking, he shaved with his



electric razor



(MADE IN HONG KONG ).



He put on a



dress shirt



(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),



designer jeans



(MADE IN SINGAPORE )



and



tennis shoes



(MADE IN KOREA )



After cooking his breakfast in his new



electric skillet



(MADE IN INDIA )



he sat down with his



calculator



(MADE IN MEXICO )



to see how much he could spend today. After setting his



watch



(MADE IN TAIWAN )



to the radio



(MADE IN INDIA )



he got in his car



(MADE IN GERMANY )



filled it with GAS



(from Saudi Arabia )



and continued his search



for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.



At the end



of yet another discouraging



and fruitless day



checking his



Computer



(Made In Malaysia ),



Joe decided to relax for a while.



He put on his sandals



(MADE IN BRAZIL )



poured himself a glass of



wine



(MADE IN FRANCE )



and turned on his



TV



(MADE IN INDONESIA ),



and then wondered



why he can't find



a good paying job



in AMERICA .

[MIKEMCKEE]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

California became a state
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today,
except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[MIKEMCKEE]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.


Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'


'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter..


'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'


'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local

community band and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

[jgmartis]

If they make olive oil from olives, how do they make baby oil?

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: Fwd: Breast Exam




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk."

I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[MIKEMCKEE]

To My Dear Wife,
>|
>| You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
>| 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
>| Value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
>that
>| you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
>evening
>| with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
>|
>| Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
>|
>|
>| When Bill came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
>| dining room table:
>|
>| "My Dear Husband,
>|
>| I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
>| years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
>| you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
>| college.
>|
>| I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
>Hotel
>| Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
>| coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>|
>| As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
>| You will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
>| One small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
>18..
>| Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[LittleMissMagic]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[MIKEMCKEE]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his own ears, but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[kbyte]

When I die I want to go like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep-

not screaming like the passengers in his car.

[LittleMissMagic]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."