...First-year students at Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow and dug around. He then withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities
such as Scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde
and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo
in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde
and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . .
" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did.
This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
__________________
Great men always have too much sail up. - Christopher Buckley
One of the Joys of English being your primary language is that the rest of the world wishes to communicate with you in your own language - and as it turns out, has far more interesting things to say to you than do your compatriots!
1) A sign in Germany's Black Forest:
* IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
2) Cocktail lounge, Norway:
* LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
3) Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
* WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
4) Hotel, Yugoslavia:
* THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
5) At a Budapest zoo:
* PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
6) Doctors office, Rome:
* SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
7) Hotel, Acapulco:
* THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
8) Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
* COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
9) Sign in men's toilet in Japan:
* TO STOP LEAK, TURN **** TO THE RIGHT.
10) On the grounds of a private school:
* NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
11) In a restaurant:
* OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
12) A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
* DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
13) In a maternity ward:
* NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
14) In a cemetery:
* PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
15) Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
* GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
16) On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
* OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
17) In a Tokyo bar:
* SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
18) In a Bangkok temple:
* IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
19) Hotel room notice, Chiang Mai, Thailand:
* PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
20) Hotel brochure, Italy:
* THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
21) Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
* THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
22) Hotel elevator, Paris:
* PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
23) Hotel, Japan:
* YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
24) In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
* YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
25) Ski hotel, Austria:
* NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
26) Hotel, Vienna:
* IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
27) Hotel, Zurich:
* BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
28) An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
* TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
29) A laundry in Rome:
* LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
30) Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
* TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
31) Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
* WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh... umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh". He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, "Please pass the Post Toasties", but I accidentally said, "You crazy old bat you've ruined my entire life!".
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow directly behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow right behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we are normally a three-person team!! But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
