What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Lipstick and jewelry.
What do you call a drummer without a girl friend?
Homeless.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
What sentence do drummers use the least?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
A drummer tried to teach himself to play the flute.
After practicing for months, he still could not get a good tone from it.
He finally decided that he was hitting it too hard with the stick.
Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Julius Henry Marx.
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A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said,"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the Captain said, "This is the Halifax/Dartmouth Ferry."
A Portuguese Sailor walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs it.
Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding, "before the trouble starts."
After several rounds of this the bartender says, "Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and says, "The trouble starts just as soon as you find out who in the hell broke my boom."
Free, is the heart, that lives not, in fear.
Full, is the spirit, that thinks not, of falling.
True, is the soul, that hesitates not, to give.
Alive, is the one, that believes, in love. JCP
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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Sh*t"
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