Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[ssneade]

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: Old golf...

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, ' Di d you guys have a good game today?'

The first old guy said, 'Yes, I had three riders today.'

The second old guy said, 'I had the most riders ever. I had five.'

The third old guy said, 'I had 7 riders, the same as last time.'

The last old man said, 'I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.'

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, 'I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?'

The pro said, 'A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.'

[MIKEMCKEE]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[MIKEMCKEE]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a
word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and
says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the
word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly....
'com-for-da-bul.'

[MIKEMCKEE]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


*************************************** ************************************************** *** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ************************************************** *******
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** ************************************************** *****

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall ..
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[MIKEMCKEE]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[poopdeckpappy]

A man was riding his Harley along the California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
*
California coast when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied........................................... .....


You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge

[MIKEMCKEE]

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE.


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''..
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

[ssneade]

> Logic
>
>
>
>
> Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their
> favorite bar, drinking
> beer.
>
>
> Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm
> tired of going through life
> without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
> Community College and
> sign up for some classes.'
>
>
> Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
>
>
> The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets
> Dean of Admissions,
> who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
> English, history, and
> Logic.
>
>
> 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
>
>
> The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
> own a weed eater?'
>
>
> 'Yeah.'
>
>
> 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed
> eater, I think that you
> would have a yard.'
>
>
> 'That's true, I do have a yard.'
>
>
> 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because
> you have a yard, I
> think logically that you would have a house.'
>
>
> 'Yes, I do have a house.'
>
>
> 'And because you have a house, I think that you might
> logically have a family.'
>
>
> 'Yes, I have a family.
>
>
> 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family,
> then logically you must have a
> wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me
> you must be a heterosexual.'
>
>
> 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were
> able to find out all of that
> because I have a weed eater.'
>
>
> Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the
> Dean's hand and leaves to go
> meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes,
> how he is signed up
> for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
> 'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
>
>
> Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
> have a weed eater?'
>
> 'No.'
>
> 'Then you're a queer.'
>

[MIKEMCKEE]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher
in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, 'Where is
God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where
is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from
the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door
behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked,
'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for
breath, replied, 'We are in BIG
trouble this time,' (I just LOVE
reading this next line again and
again

'GOD is missing, and they think
we did it.'