Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[Giulietta]

One day, when Little Johnny was about six years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the color tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't tell you, the black ones had dicks."

[Giulietta]

Originally Posted by PBzeer

Wicked TJ, wicked

That's not wicked...

This is wicked

[werebeagle]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

[ianhlnd]

A NOTE TO FATHER

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[tdw]

This is something of a favourite of mine. Being a lazy sod I did a google to see if I could simply copy and paste but alas that was not to be. Given that the joke is about a masturbating pontiff I googled "Pope Masturbation" , no joke but the first result wa a headline "Pope Soft on Masturbation". Where do they get 'em ?

Any, ze joke....

Pontiff walking throught the Vatican Gardens when he finds an abandoned Hustler. Sits himself and starts to read, naturally he finds his hand lurking inside his robes when a Japanses tourist comes around the corner and whips off a few shots. Pontiff Panics, compliments tourist on his Nikons and asks if he would be interested in selling them. Moments later he appears with his newly acquired outrageously priced Nikons and one of his cardinals stops to admire. How much did they cost you he asks. Pope tells him, cardinal whistles, holy crap Papa , he must have seen you coming.

[sailaway21]

Polish wedding invitation: Stella Mr.

[sailortjk1]

Two Rednecks are out hunting.
Shortly after climbing into their tree stand Redneck #1 looks through his scope and says to Redneck #2, “Isn’t this nice up here? I can see all the way to your house. I can see your wife and she is naked. Not only is she naked, but she is with another man. I think she is having an affair.”
Redneck #2 says very angrily, “Quick, shoot them both! Shoot the b##ch in the head than shoot the ba###rd in his private parts.”
Redneck #1 peers through his scope, takes careful aim, and than fires.
“What happened?” says Redneck #2, “I told you to shot them both.”
“I did,” says Redneck #1. “It only took one shot."

[tdw]

Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

[Sailormann]

Dangerous Situation

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below .....








Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round" - you're drunk

[Sailormann]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention!?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck,"

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."