Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

*Obama wins Pulitzer Prize and Oscar to join his Nobel Prize *

In one of the most surreal and unusual days since the creation of the earth our President has been awarded both the Pulitzer Prize and an Oscar.

These awards will join his Nobel Prize on the mantel along with his numerous other awards including;

-Olympic gold medals for both the summer decathlon and the Winter Olympic medals in figure skating.

-MTV music award presented by Kanye West

-Grammy Award for thinking about writing a riff for a rap song

-Masters Green Jacket because everyone at Augusta National figured he would probably set a course record if he felt like it.

-Super Bowl MVP trophy because the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers assured everybody last year that Obama was chiefly responsible for their win

-Eagle Scout Award-for his efforts in encouraging "safe school czar" Kevin Jennings to take up scouting.

-Emmy Award for his innumerable television appearances

His Pulitzer Prize was awarded, stated the committee, not for any writing that he may have done, but because of the idea that he may write a book in the future and it would most assuredly be "one of the most profound works of literature since the Bible and Shakespeare."

The Oscar was for awarded for Producer, Director, Screenplay, and Best Picture for his work on home video he shot of the family at the Grand Canyon. A movie reviewed by the New York times to be a "seminal moment in cinematic history" that would "revolutionize the way we see a family exploring the inner workings of family desperately trying to save the world".

Some have said that Orson Wells may have plagiarized large portions of Citizen Kane in homage to the Obama movies of the past. While Steven Speilberg has stated that the Hussein family has inspired roles in several of his movies, most notably Hans Solo's companion and co-pilot whose name shall not be mentioned.

Still up for consideration for the Congressional Medal of Honor, Wimbledon championship trophy and of course NBA Player of the Year honours are left for later this week ...

[MIKEMCKEE]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama
fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher,all the kids raised their hands except for Little
Johnny..

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different...again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said,
"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny
answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican,
so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was
a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan.''

[MIKEMCKEE]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be se en in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[MIKEMCKEE]

In Washington, an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get us re-elected. Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Reid's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Harry Reid spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Reid.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same...."

[MIKEMCKEE]

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun

if he had a pet..

So he went to the pet store

and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,

he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug),

which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

He took the box back home,

found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go

to church with me today?

We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

"HowB about going

to church with me

and receive blessings?"

But again,

there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited

a few minutes more,

thinking about the situation.

The guy decided

to invite the centipede

one last time.

This time

he put his face up against

the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey,B in there!

Would you like to go

to church with me

and learn about God?"

... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...


This time,

a little voice

came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

[sailorgirl60]

Long ago, I hired a guy
to build me a canvas dodger & fly
I agreed to a price and I gave him my money
Now month's have gone by and he thinks it's funny
We had a Nor'easter and it rain in my boat
As soon as I catch him, I'm grabbing his throat
I'll squeeze out the bllsht and all of the lies
I'll torture his ass, until he complies
I want my canvas and I want it now
If I don't get it-you're going DOWN
Beneath the sailboat, across the keel
Believe me my friend, I'll make you squeal
Get down here soon and work on my boat
Don't be a fool...don't think I won't!


SG
s/vGypsy Palace

[MIKEMCKEE]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was NancyPelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: How I Learned to Mind My Own Business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
~
~
~
~
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14'...

[jephotog]

What goes
Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop,
BANG
clip clop, clip clop, clip clop?












An Amish drive by shooting

[MIKEMCKEE]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'dave,' he replies...

'Dave what?' the officer asks.

'Just dave,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, dave, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born dave
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Dave Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Dave Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Dave Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just dave.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.