Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[ssneade]

proof that the swine flu paranoia is getting out of hand:.......

[ssneade]

Ingredients in Viagra

I knew it...... I just knew it! I knew they would
eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

[ssneade]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.


1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "


2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"


1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"


2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"


2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"


3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."


1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"


3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."

[MIKEMCKEE]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your Mittens?"


He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[MIKEMCKEE]

HOW IS NORMA?


A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?= "

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room.."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

[ssneade]

this is from someone with entirely too much time on their hands......

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[ssneade]

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me..

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men s balls .

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said 'No' ..

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks

and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[MIKEMCKEE]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night,
the young bride approached her new husband
and asked her for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford
new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day,
she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes,
he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find another position
that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book
which showed more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him
certificates of deposits
issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded
he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes,
men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.

[ssneade]

Feeling unappreciated? World got you down?



Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These .. .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampedingmadly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[ssneade]

MALE VS. FEMALE

AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car..
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles..
27. Release Parking Brake.