Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: Fwd: Warning From Pakistan





This world is in bad shape and if we just stand by and allow something
like this to happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban
Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if
military actions against Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities
intend to cut off America 's supply of Convenience Store Managers and
possibly Motel 6 Managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab Drivers will
be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps..

It's gonna get ugly!

[ssneade]

THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE
ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[MIKEMCKEE]

I am only passing this along, it wasn't me.

Mike


ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS



Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!



Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something

extra for my wife, Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket(purse- sized) tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.



I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.



Nothing!

I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and

forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face

of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't

be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

thought

better of it.

She is such a sweet cat.

But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer

in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.





All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less

than 3/4 inch in circumference.

Pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)

thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, 'Don't do it, Dip ****,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.



I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my

eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had

never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative.



IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

damage.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace, the recliner was

upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was, my triceps,

right thigh and both nipples were still twitching my face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of

smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their

safe return!



P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now

regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

[MIKEMCKEE]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think20I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher expla ined to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test..


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

0A
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lo t of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[MIKEMCKEE]

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas........

[MIKEMCKEE]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has
had no
lessons, nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately
springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to
slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down
the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,
she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the
ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Mike, the
Walmart greeter, sees
her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[sailorgirl60]

A couple of pirates belly up to a bar...

One pirate says to the other

Hey- where are your buckeneers??

Astounded, the other pirate answers-

Under my buckin' hat.....

[ssneade]

I was depressed last night so I called a crisis help line..... Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[MIKEMCKEE]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[MIKEMCKEE]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'