Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. **

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here
for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today...'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

[ssneade]

ya ever wonder how punkin pies were made? i'll never eat another slice.......

[SecondWindNC]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

Hello.

Hi honey.

This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?

No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Larry.

After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Larry.

Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.

Brief Pause. Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

Okay, Daddy, just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. I did it, Daddy.

And what happened, honey?

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!

Oh my God! What about your Uncle Larry?

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool???

Is this 486-5731?

No, I think you have the wrong number...

Oh, have a nice day.

[MIKEMCKEE]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.





ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town Iç?¥ going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[MIKEMCKEE]

Bumper stickers seen on a USMC base.

Happy 234th Birthday Marines! (10 NOV 1775 - 10 NOV 2009)



" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"



"Stop Global Whining"



"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"



"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely,

Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"



"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"



"Marine Sniper -- 'You can run, but you'll just die tired!'"



"What Do I Feel When I Shoot A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"



"Marines - Providing the Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For

their Country since 1775"



"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"



"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"



"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -

It's our job to get him to the meeting"



"Artillery Brings Dignity to What

Would Otherwise Be Just an ugly Brawl"



"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"



"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"



"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy -

- Blessed Be the Peacemakers"



"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher..

If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"



"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has

never really solved anything.*



"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a

difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." --Ronald Reagan



SEMPER FIDELIS

[SecondWindNC]

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?




.
.
.




Fo' drizzle.

[SecondWindNC]

Birthday Present

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note...


Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[jjrunning]

What do you call a mushroom who buys drinks for everyone at the bar?



A Fun-gi.

[CapnRon47]

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[MIKEMCKEE]

The hits keep on coming.
>
>
> 1) Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
> She said "I don't know exactly... just put me down for a 5."
>
> 2) Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he
> has a hole-in-one.
>
> 3) What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive
> a ball 400 yards.
>
> 4) Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't
> decide between a wood and an iron.
>
> 5) Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.
>
> 6) What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger
> Woods can drive them both into the trees.
>
> 7) What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both
> been clubbed by a Norwegian