Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

A SHORT LOVE STORY
>
>A man and a woman who had never met before,
>But who were both married to other people,
>Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental
>train.
>
>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
>They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
>and she in the lower.
>
>At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
>'Ma'am,
>
>I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
>to get me a second blanket?
>
>
>I'm awfully cold.'
>
>
> 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
>that we're married.'
>
>'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
>
>
>
>'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f**king blanket.'
>
>After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
>
>
>The End

[MIKEMCKEE]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

[MIKEMCKEE]

Heart-warming Christmas story (almost)




There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas , and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[MIKEMCKEE]

1947
Probably one of the best emails of the year!!!
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

[MARC2012]

Set mine straight.Btw is this a joke or scientific data?lol marc

[Maverick1958]

So this banker dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and notices the banker is draging this rather large trunk. St. Peter tells the banker that he will not be needing anything in heaven because all his needs will be taken care of. The banker responds you must let me bring this with me. St. Peter asks what could be so important that you feel you must bring it into heaven? The banker opened the trunk for St. Peter who looked in and saw it was filled with gold bars. He looked back at the banker in disbelief and said "You brought pavement"?

Remember NOTHING is quite as important as you think it is...

[ssneade]

West Virginia FARM KID in Marines


(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Alice

[ssneade]

A New Jersey Love Story

A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic
Ocean.

She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.'


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.. "

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is', the Captain said. 'This is the Cape May Ferry!'

[dillybar]

So Bob arrives in Hell for processing. Satan tells Bob that although he is to spend all eternity in pain and suffering he can choose between three variations of hell. However once chosen there can be no change.
Satan opens the first door to shows Bob the first choice. The unfortunates are all strapped to chairs as Celine Dion is blasted at full volume. Bob shudders and asks to see door #2.
Door #2 reveals everyone strapped to chairs again, this time waching an endless of loop Jimmy Swagart apologizing for screwing hookers. Revolted, Bob asks to see door #3.
In #3 the people are all milling around in knee deep feces. On the bright side Mozart is playing and a fresh breeze is blowing keeping the worst of the smell down.
Bob feels #3, while repulsive would be the least offensive way to spend eternity.
Bob gives Satan his choice to which Satan replies "Great choice Bob, you can take your place beside that guy and by the way everyone coffee breaks over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS".

[MIKEMCKEE]

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was
Arrested,
Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back
As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~
The Following Monday Morning,
The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In,
And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop
For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.
Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...
I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol,
That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man
Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped
Tightly
Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,
"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."
~ I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol
At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,
And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
~
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,
"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
~
The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."
~
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The
Cafe, The Next Day!
Now that's Gun Control....