Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[2Gringos]

I gotta admit.....I don't get it.

[MIKEMCKEE]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: Marriage, is a wonderful thing.....
>
> At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
> wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
>
>
>
>
>
> "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
>
>
> A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
> "Husband Wanted"
> Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
> "You can have mine."
>
>
> When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
> her keep him.
>
>
> A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
>
>
> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
> married?"
> Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
>
>
> A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
> doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
> Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
>
>
> Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
> until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
>
>
> Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
>
>
> If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
> you say -- talk in your sleep.
>
>
> Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
> they had no faults at all.
>
>
> First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
> Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
>
>
> A Woman's Prayer
> Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive
> him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
> Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
>
>
>
> And finally..............
>
> Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
> blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
> it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
> bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
> husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
> taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
> rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
> The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
> stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

[MIKEMCKEE]

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them..

~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better
chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything
....
especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't
remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the
TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and
a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words .. "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd
find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . 2 of which you will
never wear.

[MIKEMCKEE]

Subject: Heeerrre's Little Johnny !!!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!" Then I would say, It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[MARC2012]

Like the last line except too true.marc

[MIKEMCKEE]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush..."


SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldnt help it!
The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

[MARC2012]

Loved the lastl lmao.marc

[MIKEMCKEE]

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked...'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[SecondWindNC]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."