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08-26-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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Fishing Terms Explained
Catch and Release -
A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook -
1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. 2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. 3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings, (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook)
Line -
Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure -
An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel -
A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod -
An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School -
A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for Spam instead.
Tackle -
What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box -
A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive 'first aid kit'. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test -
1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
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08-26-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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TRUE, TRUE, TRUE
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5.Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.'
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08-26-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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Lookin' for work....
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's fingers, we put them on another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work".
The German doctor comments: "That�s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".
A Russian doctor says: �That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work�.
The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (over a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President and now....the whole country is looking for work!
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08-26-2010
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Junior Member
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Padre Island
Posts: 2
Rep Power: 0
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Last edited by AvidAngler; 05-03-2011 at 04:07 PM.
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08-27-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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Something To Think About!
Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.
However,this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.
The first set of rules would be:
Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
You may only spend it.
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.
The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, Its over,the game is over! It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?
Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?
Even for people you don't know, because you couldnt possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?
ACTUALLY, this GAME is REALITY!
Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem to see it.
The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!
Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost.
Yesterday is forever gone.
Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time....WITHOUT WARNING.
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
Aren't they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?
Think about that, and always think of this:
Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.
So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life!
Here's wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!!
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08-27-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for busses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing
a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!
....
And no one even knows his name.
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08-27-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,345
Rep Power: 6
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Combining concerns regarding Mayor Bloomberg, Dennis Miller tweeted the following:
Quote:
I hope that Bloomberg swoops in at the last minute and shuts down
the mosque because they found trans fats in the cafeteria's baba
ganoush.
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08-27-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
?Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
?Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
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08-28-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 457
Rep Power: 11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MIKEMCKEE
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for busses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing
a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!
....
And no one even knows his name. |
I thought it was too funny to be true
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant - Urban Legends
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08-28-2010
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Cobbs Creek, VA
Posts: 958
Rep Power: 11
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Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.
They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"
About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture.
She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
[Funny, want more!] [Not funny]
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