Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[Cruiserwannabe]

gUY WALKS INTO THE BAR AND AT THE END SITS THIS MONKEY....GUY SAYS TO THE BAR KEEPYOSUP WITH THE MONKEY??? BARKEEP SAYS OH HE'S REAL SPECIAL WATCH THIS AND HE REACHS DOWN UNDER DA BARCOMESOUT WITH A BALL BAT AND WHACKS DA MONKEY UPSIDE DA HEAD ! POW MONKEY GETS UP COMES AROUND THE BAR AND PROCEDS TO GIVE THE BAR KEEP THE BEST %$#@*&^( OF HIS LIFE,THE CUSTOMER WAS IN AWWWW BARKEEP SAYS HEY MATE CHA LIKE TO TRY THAT WOULD YA???THINKS A SEC AND SAYS SURE WHY NOT! BUTS YA GOTTA PROMISE NOT TO HIT ME AS HARD AS YOU HIT THAT MONKEY!!!!

[ibrick]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

If he has metal balls........sparky, of course

[camaraderie]

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and
tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
pillow. It was addressed, Dad". With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is
so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because
of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle
clothes and because she is so much older than I am but
it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and
trading it with the other people in the commune for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there
are worse things in life than the report card that's
in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Sailormann]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[Sailormann]

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[werebeagle]

Not really a joke, but a fun read nonetheless.

How I met my wife
by Jack Winter
Published 25 July 1994 in The New Yorker

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

[Waymar83]

Not sure if this is appropriate or understandable but if you speak/understand French (Canadian that is...) this is hilarious: (the website is full of gems. If you do understand listen to le Pilote 1 and 2, the LCD shovel 2006.

Le pilote:
Le pilote - Têtes à claques

Le pilote 2:
Le pilote Part 2 - Têtes à claques

LCD shovel 2006:
Le LCD shovel - Têtes à claques

Hell this alone is worth learning a little "quebecois"!!

[Waymar83]

Bloody hell. They've added a commercial!!!!! Nothing is sacred.

PS. One correction: It is LCD shovel 2007...is a result of a collaboration between the scientists at NASA and........Canadian Tire....

[sailingdog]

I have a funny story... not a joke but most of the guys here on sailnet will understand it.

I met my wife on a blind date setup by a mutual family friend, who didn't really know me or her. About an hour before I'm supposed to go meet her for our blind date... I get told that I'm going on a date with the "not-pretty" sister. Not exactly what you want to be hearing about your blind date—pretty much a death sentence... Anyway, I went...

As I was sitting and waiting a beautiful woman walked up to the restaurant, I though to myself, "That can't possibly be her, she's beautiful." Then as the hostess pointed her to my table, the second thought that popped into my head was, "If this is the 'not-pretty' sister, what the hell does her sister look like?"

When I told her this about two months later, when we got engaged... she punched me and started laughing, saying "Men!!!!". I thought my reaction was pretty understandable...after all, if you're told you're going out with the not-pretty sister, and she's beautiful... you kind of have to wonder what the sister looks like, don't you???

BTW, I did marry the pretty sister, and we later figured out how this mis-communication occurred... or at least we think we did...

[ianhlnd]