Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[camaraderie]

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet

door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station, they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks

on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

[CapnHand]

Lone Ranger: Tonto, I've been bitten by a rattle snake.
Tonto: Need to suck poison out, Kimosabe.
Lone Ranger: It bit be on my dick.
Tonto: ...........It is a good day to die.

[werebeagle]

What do you call a deer with no eyes

no eyed deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs

still no eyed deer

what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis

still no f*****g eyed dear

[soul searcher]

God was stroling around Eden one day admirering his creation when he came upon Adam sleeping under a tree. He nudged Adam to ask where Eve was.
Adam without speaking pointed toward the lagoon were behold the beautifull
Eve was floating in the lagoon in all her splender.
Suddenly the sky grew dark and lightning flashed and thunder boomed.
And then God spoke.
EVE i TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF THE WATER!!
IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME A MILLION YEARS TO GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THOSE FISH.

[camaraderie]

The Pope was being driven across the American West on a visit to console Giu on the loss of his boom....
In the hills of Wyoming he stopped at an awful sight. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell
with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the clutches of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the
other tende rly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is
not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven
and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, " he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch up another
one?"

[camaraderie]

A woman was in bed with her lover

When she heard her husband

Opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

Then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you,"

She said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired

As he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied,

"the Smiths bought one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too."

No more was said,

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

Went to the kitchen and returned

With a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

And nobody offered me a damned thing."

[MtnMike]

> Ten Thoughts to Ponder
>
> Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
>
> Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
>
> can die.
>
> Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
> without an erection, make him a sandwich.
>
> Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
> person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>
> Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for
> anything,
> but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
> stairs.
>
> Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
> hospitals dying of nothing.
>
> Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
> attention to criticism.
>
> Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
> and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
>
> Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
> Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
> AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006
> We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
> millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as
> to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
> Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of
> immigration and the Department of Homeland Security.

[cockeyedbob]

Ok ...

Bob goes to game.

From the stands comes the shout ...HEY JIM!

Bob sets down beer, turns, looks around, sits back down.

A while later comes another shout ... HEY JIM!

Bob sets down beer, turns, looks around, sits back down.

Still later comes another HEY JIM!

Bob, disgusted, turns and shouts ... MY NAME'S NOT JIM!

[bestfriend]

During the morning briefing, George Bush's adviser says,

"Sir, I have some bad news. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

The President responds,

"Oh wow, thats terrible. Remind me again, how many millions are in a brazilion?"

[MtnMike]

The Blue Suit
________________________________________
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does
look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads."