Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[camaraderie]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd
make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud.
You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair
cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

[camaraderie]

LUMBERJACK WANTED
>
> A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised
> that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
>
> The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp
> with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The
> head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him
> to leave.
>
> "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the
> skinny man.
>
> "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the
> lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
>
> The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he
> was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree
> down," said the man.
>
> The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where
> did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
>
> "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
>
> "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
>
> The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's
> what they call it now!"

[camaraderie]

Oysters in a Portuguese Restaurant

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Portugal.
While sipping his Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senhor, you have excellent taste! Those are called testículos do touro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

Sim Senhor...Sometimes the bull wins!

[poopdeckpappy]

[Cruiserwannabe]

Cam,you are in rare form in deed.... think about going back to your day job tho..you seem to have to much time on your hands


Widdle Wabbits (To Warm Your Heart)
> >
> >
> > A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
> > little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
> >
> >
> >
> > As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that
> > he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or
> > a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle
> > bwown wabbit over there?"
> >
> >
> >
> > She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
> > leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
> >

[Cruiserwannabe]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house
> with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break
> something, but the boy continues.
>>"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He
> stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
>>
>>Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
> store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he
> leaves
> it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A
> diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out
> it comes.
>>
>>When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
> She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her
> doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he
> assures
> her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
>>
>>When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his
> knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his
> pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon
> explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc."Doctor! Doctor!
> Are
> you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30
> years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
>>
You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!

[werebeagle]

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together.

One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer.

Off the chicken ran looking for help, but realized the farmer had gone to town on the tractor.

Running around, the chicken sees the farmer's new Harley. Finds the keys in the ignition. The chicken speeds off with rope hoping he still has time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was happy to see the chicken arrive on a shiny Harley. Chicken ties one end of rope to the back of the Harley and tosses the other end to his buddy.

The horse manages to get a hold of the rope. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse.

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life.

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up a chick.

[soul searcher]

There once was a couple named Kelly
who went through life belly to belly
because in thier haste
they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly.

[camaraderie]

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak

And a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked:

"What's he doing upstairs

With your wife?"

The bartender replied:

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

[poopdeckpappy]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under the hood of a car.
Male......... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Going forward without a harness.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male…….. VHF & SSB

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit other Racers at the starting bouy

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Oh, just about anything that can be done in a stiff wind.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ........ Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male…..... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes