Search Sailnet:

 forums  store  


Quick Menu
Forums           
Articles          
Galleries        
Boat Reviews  
Classifieds     
Blogs               
Boat Search (new)






Go Back   SailNet Community > General Interest Forums > Off Topic
User Name
Password
 Not a Member? 


Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
 Like this article?  Digg It!  or   Bookmark it!
  #21 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
Giulietta Giulietta is offline
.
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 10,983
Rep Power: 8
Giulietta is just really niceGiulietta is just really niceGiulietta is just really niceGiulietta is just really niceGiulietta is just really nice
In the line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
Reply With Quote
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
tdw's Avatar
tdw tdw is offline
Super Fuzzy Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 5,584
Rep Power: 6
tdw has a spectacular aura abouttdw has a spectacular aura abouttdw has a spectacular aura about
What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?

The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.


(roots is a colloquial term for , well, you know, ahem, cough, splutter, it)
__________________
..
The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things. (Rainer Maria Rilke)
..
Reply With Quote
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
werebeagle's Avatar
werebeagle werebeagle is offline
Alex, not full of crap
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 2,446
Rep Power: 5
werebeagle will become famous soon enoughwerebeagle will become famous soon enough
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Ad
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
ibrick ibrick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 46
Rep Power: 0
ibrick is on a distinguished road
THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet .

“Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............



”We're down here ."
Reply With Quote
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
astraeus's Avatar
astraeus astraeus is offline
WAFI
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 150
Rep Power: 4
astraeus is on a distinguished road
How do you make a small fortune with a sailboat?




Start with a large one
Reply With Quote
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
tdw's Avatar
tdw tdw is offline
Super Fuzzy Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 5,584
Rep Power: 6
tdw has a spectacular aura abouttdw has a spectacular aura abouttdw has a spectacular aura about
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F*ck, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f*ck'n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh f*ck…"
The priest said, "That's it! God will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F*CK, I Missed".
__________________
..
The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things. (Rainer Maria Rilke)
..
Reply With Quote
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
tdw's Avatar
tdw tdw is offline
Super Fuzzy Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 5,584
Rep Power: 6
tdw has a spectacular aura abouttdw has a spectacular aura abouttdw has a spectacular aura about
The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!"
The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.
The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled. "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?
__________________
..
The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things. (Rainer Maria Rilke)
..
Reply With Quote
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
ibrick ibrick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 46
Rep Power: 0
ibrick is on a distinguished road
A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door.

"You can't come in here," Peter said.

The Pagan asked why.

"You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.

"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky goes black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal.

"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."
Reply With Quote
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
camaraderie's Avatar
camaraderie camaraderie is offline
moderate?
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: East Coast
Posts: 13,910
Rep Power: 10
camaraderie is a jewel in the roughcamaraderie is a jewel in the roughcamaraderie is a jewel in the rough
Patient to Doctor...So how did the tests turn out Doc?
Dr. ...I'll get to those in a minute, but first let me ask you...Do you like pizza?
Patient...Oh yeah....I love it. But what about my diagnosis?
Dr....Well I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first.
Patient...Well...gimme the bad news.
Dr....You have AIDS, the plague and a highly contagious strain of Ebola
and you will be dead in a week at the outside, I am sorry to say.
Patient...Oh my gawd! How can you say there's good news after that?
Dr. ....Well....we can slip your pizza in under the door!
Reply With Quote
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2007
sailaway21 sailaway21 is offline
Owner, Green Bay Packers
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: SW Michigan
Posts: 10,320
Rep Power: 7
sailaway21 is just really nicesailaway21 is just really nicesailaway21 is just really nicesailaway21 is just really nice
What do a North Carolina divorce and a hurricane have in common?


In both cases, somebody's about to lose a mobile home.
Reply With Quote
Reply



Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Logs of Snow Day: Cayo Lobos Our Readers Write Miscellaneous 0 01-22-2003 08:00 PM
The Logs of Snow Day: Cayo Lobos Our Readers Write Miscellaneous 0 01-22-2003 08:00 PM
The Logs of Snow Day: Cayo Lobos Our Readers Write Miscellaneous 0 01-22-2003 08:00 PM
Celebrating St. Patrick's Day SailNet Learning to Sail Articles 0 03-16-2001 08:00 PM
Olympic Report—05/29/00 Bob Merrick Racing Articles 0 05-28-2000 09:00 PM

Page generated in 0.5799 seconds (51.54% PHP - 48.46% MySQL) with 16 queries
Add to My Yahoo!         
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.0.0 RC8
(c) Sailnet 2000-2006