Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[Giulietta]

In the line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

[tdw]

What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?

The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.


(roots is a colloquial term for , well, you know, ahem, cough, splutter, it)

[werebeagle]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

[ibrick]

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet .

“Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............



”We're down here ."

[astraeus]

How do you make a small fortune with a sailboat?




Start with a large one

[tdw]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F*ck, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f*ck'n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh f*ck…"
The priest said, "That's it! God will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F*CK, I Missed".

[tdw]

The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!"
The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.
The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled. "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?

[ibrick]

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door.

"You can't come in here," Peter said.

The Pagan asked why.

"You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.

"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky goes black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal.

"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."

[camaraderie]

Patient to Doctor...So how did the tests turn out Doc?
Dr. ...I'll get to those in a minute, but first let me ask you...Do you like pizza?
Patient...Oh yeah....I love it. But what about my diagnosis?
Dr....Well I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first.
Patient...Well...gimme the bad news.
Dr....You have AIDS, the plague and a highly contagious strain of Ebola
and you will be dead in a week at the outside, I am sorry to say.
Patient...Oh my gawd! How can you say there's good news after that?
Dr. ....Well....we can slip your pizza in under the door!

[sailaway21]

What do a North Carolina divorce and a hurricane have in common?


In both cases, somebody's about to lose a mobile home.