Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[sailaway21]

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a New Yorker were talking about making love to their wives.
The Frenchman says that after making love to his wife, he lights candles and plays romantic music. And his wife just floats about six inches off the bed.
The Italian says, that after making love to his wife, he lights scented candles and massages her with warm oil. And his wife just floats about a foot off the bed.
The New Yorker says, that after hosing his wife, he gets up and wipes his tool off on the curtain. And she just about hits the ceiling.

[werebeagle]

What's the difference between your girlfriend, your fiance, and your wife?

Your girlfriend says "Aren't you done yet?"
Your fiance says "You're done already?"
Your wife says "Blue, I think we should paint the ceiling blue."

[sailaway21]

Sorry sailaway...over the line. Cam

[tdw]

Bruce (Australian) and Darryl (Kiwi) both farmers walking down the road in New Zealand and they see a sheep caught in a barbed wire fence. Darryl reckons it's to good an opportunity to pass up so he drops his trousers and does the deed. When he's finished he turns to Bruce and asks him if he wants to have a go. Sure things say's Bruce.......and sticks his head in the barbed wire fence.

[tdw]

Originally Posted by sailaway21

Sorry sailaway...over the line. Cam

Whoops, mine is as well I guess ?

[Giulietta]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[labatt]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. A friend shared this example:

*************

The other day I traveled downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him nasty names. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires, so I called him a "doughnut eating Fatso." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first and started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But frankly, I didn't care. You see, I had traveled downtown on a bus and the car he was putting tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

Now that I'm retired, I do try to make things interesting and have a little fun each day. It's important to my health, you know.

Author Unknown

*************

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bus to catch.

[camaraderie]

TDW...I'm OK with it. The one i deleted had more ethnic/racial overtones and I can't let that happen here. All pls. take note. ...so far pretty good and we'll just try to keep better defining "the line" as we go on.
I can't be on here all the time so if anyone finds something they think is really offensive posted...please PM me. Thanks!

[sailingdog]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian.

[labatt]

And a boat related one...

IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY......

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah,"He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me! cried Noah. "I did my best, butthere were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the SpottedOwl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."