Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[camaraderie]

The Sheriff in a small Colorado town walks out in the street and sees a Giu, the cowboy wannabe, coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Giu says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little
red head asks me to go out to her ranch with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and
says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

[sailaway21]

A psychiatrist and a proctologist shared office space together with a common door and receptionist. The glass door was broken one day and while a new glass was being fabricated, the doctor's children cam up with some ideas of what should be enscribed below the names on the door.

Nuts & Butts
Cracks & Quacks
Odds & Ends
Queers & Rears

[uspirate]

State Mottos Alabama
Hell yes we have electricity
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids and Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
( Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal-Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Maryland 's
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
(Home of Brokeback Mtn.)
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

[camaraderie]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you?

Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Freesail99]

Titanic VS Clinton....

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My
Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that
they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: .... cost - $29.99
Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99

Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: ..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: ... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : ... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullsh!t artist.

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: ..... Let's not go there.

Titanic: .... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: .... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: .... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: .... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: .... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: .... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: .... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing

[uspirate]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Freesail99]

The Wedding Test


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:






Always keep your condoms in your car.

[camaraderie]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City & County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[uspirate]

19 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15 Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

[camaraderie]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"