Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[rewell6]

A woman's husband died at sea, and she received his parrot as the sole possession by which to remember him. Even though the parrot was foul-mouthed, she put up with it for sentimental reasons.

After several unsuccessful months trying to coerce the parrot to change his "sailor" ways, she finally issued him an ultimatum: "I'm having the bridge club over today, and if one swear word is heard in the room, I'm going to feed you to the cat!"

The parrot mulled this over and decided that he had better start reforming lest he become kitty fare.

Later that day, the ladies started showing up. Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish woman sat down right by the corner where the parrot's cage was.

After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break, and the conversation really started getting heavy. The parrot didn't care much for the conversation or the attitude of the lady. The more she talked, the more he got twinges to do something to get rid of her.

Finally, the parrot had had it and said, "Whore boat leavin' for China at two o'clock!"

The woman looked up and said, "Well! I never!" then she stood up and headed for the door.

Everyone was frozen in their seats, when the parrot yelled after her, "Hey! Where are you goin'? Boat don't leave till two!"

[uspirate]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband,

the wife sits silent for a second and then says

"Ours is prettier,"

[uspirate]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[rewell6]

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said,"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said, "This is the Halifax/Dartmouth Ferry."

[7Psych]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you Sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,"For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.."

[werebeagle]

A large lady walked into a bar with a duck under her arm.
I said "Hey, where'd you get the pig?"
She replied "This is a duck"
I Said "I was talking to the duck."

[rewell6]

This thread was getting too far down so I thought I'd bring you a story of a family shipwrecked....


A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.

With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

[rewell6]

A game warden stopped a man with two buckets of fish . He asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied, "No, sir - Don't need one. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's crazy! Fish can't do that!" said the warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "It's not crazy, I'll show you."

"O.K." said the warden, " Do it!"

The man quickly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"Well, when are you going to call them back?" the game warden asked.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH!" yelled the warden.

"What fish?" the man asked.

[sailhog]

Rewell,
That's not a joke. That's a life lesson. I'm going to remember that one.

[camaraderie]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart