Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[camaraderie]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out sailing in
this crap?"

[vabuckeye]

The Meaning of Guts and Balls:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife at the door, with a broom in her hand, and having the guts to ask her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say,
"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.-----

[vabuckeye]

The World's Shortest Books:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
______________________________

Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
************************************************** *****

AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi

[werebeagle]

An old man went down to the lake with his beat up metal tackle box, cane pole, net, and went out in his beat up alumacraft jon boat, and headed out away from everyone else. He come back later with all the fish he could want, packs up and heads home, while all the others with there fancy bass boats look on bewildered, after they nothing but bad luck with all their fancy equipment.

This happened several times, until all the others talked the game warden into checking things out.

The game warden approached the old man the next time he showed up and asked if he could ride along.

"Hop on in" was the reply.

They motored out away to a secluded spot of the lake. The old man opens up the tackle box and pulls out a stick of dynamite. The game warden is shocked and starts to explain that that's illegal and he's going to have to arrest him.

The old man lights the dynamite, hands it to the game warden and says "You gonna talk, or fish?"

[vabuckeye]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[xort]

In honor of the Canadian thread nearby, I thought I'd share with you how they came to name the country.

Back when, you know, a really long time ago, they decided they should come up with a name for this north country.
Lots of discussion came up with names like West France or New England and you can imagine there was some disagreement. So somebody came up with the idea of putting all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and see what happens by just picking letters. All parties agreed to try this but most were sceptical of any decent result.
So they choose a mountie to pick out the letters. He reached in, pulled out the first letter and said C eh, second letter was N eh and the third letter was D eh. And so the spelling C eh - N eh - D eh became Canada!
One guy couldn't understand it at first but after it was repeatedly explained to him he exclaimed Oh, Canada! And bingo, they had a national anthem. And the rest is History

[camaraderie]

Xort...LOL!
***********

Anger Management
A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger"?

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help"?

"I use your toothbrush."

[rewell6]

Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present. Henderson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store. When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny. "They transferred my call," Henderson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."

[uspirate]

Q: Which one would you rather have, Parkinsons or Alzheimer's disease?
A: Parkinsons, of course! Better to spill half your drink than forget where the f@ck you put it! --- In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Excuse me?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is forbidden for virgins to marry. Let's just think for a minute... is there ANY job anywhere else in the world that comes even close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, though only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shiver at the thought.)

Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a problem big enough to make them have to pass this law?)

[xort]

Well, I've crossed Bolivia off my list of countries to visit.