Jokes of the day...keep it clean! - Page 52

werebeagle · #**511** (**permalink**) 09-28-2007

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them,

"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them,

"Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies,

"O h, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s*@t on its head."

uspirate · #**512** (**permalink**) 09-29-2007

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

camaraderie · #**513** (**permalink**) 09-29-2007

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer and..... one of Ken's Friends

vabuckeye · #**514** (**permalink**) 10-01-2007

Ron was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

vabuckeye · #**515** (**permalink**) 10-01-2007

A 90 year old man said to his doctor,"I've never felt better, I have a 19 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, What do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said," I have an elderly friend who is a hunter, and never misses a season. One day he was going out in a bit of a hurry, and accidently picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,"bang, bang", and the bever fell dead, "What do you think of that?"
The 90 year old man,said",I'd say somebody else shot that beaver!"
The doctor replied, " My point exactly!"

rewell6 · #**516** (**permalink**) 10-01-2007

Buckeye you need to put a warning on your posts. Something like

Warning: This post might cause you to fall out of your seat from laughing so hard.

ianhlnd · #**517** (**permalink**) 10-02-2007

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a
grenade, but the only
visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were

amputated. Since his
hearing wasn't impaired he remained in the Marine Corps. Many
years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was,
however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects
for his headquarters staff.

The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice

anything different about me?" The young officer answered, "Why, yes,
Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general
got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was
even better. The
general then asked him the same question, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you

have no ears." The general threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an
infantryman and Staff NCO.
He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know

more than the two
officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead
with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact

lenses."

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly
observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that
I wear contacts?" the General asked.

"Well, Sir," the gunny replied, "it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no freakin' ears."

AjariBonten · #**518** (**permalink**) 10-02-2007

How much does a pirate charge for corn?

A Buck-An-Ear

Sorry

cardiacpaul · #**519** (**permalink**) 10-02-2007

Two guys are sitting at a bar.
"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.
"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window, and you can fly."
The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."
"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in. He walks to his barstool, and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.
The first guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.
"Still don't believe me?" asks the second guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his barstool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
"Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

cardiacpaul · #**520** (**permalink**) 10-02-2007

A Bostonian is visiting Austin,Texas admiring a large bronze statue.
One of the locals approaches and says,
"This one here's a Texas Ranger."
The Bostonian says,
"We have a statue like this in my hometown, a statue of Paul Revere."
The Texan thinks about this for a long moment.
"Ain't that the guy who had' ta ride ta git help?"