Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[cardiacpaul]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[sailaway21]

Oh, shite! I can't breath!

[uspirate]

Apples and Wine Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to Women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[GySgt]

ATTENTION:

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

[sailingdog]

Thanks, it'll be hard for us to leave you behind...

Originally Posted by GySgt

ATTENTION:

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

[sailhog]

Originally Posted by GySgt

ATTENTION:

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

A cousin of mine was wondering if there are any "gay-liens" who might abduct him?

[GySgt]

Originally Posted by sailhog

A cousin of mine was wondering if there are any "gay-liens" who might abduct him?

Humm I would'nt know, but just doing the math, he would increase his chances of getting picked up by 50%.

[Leopold]

Marriage is a relationship:

When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the
truck, the car, playing golf -- always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

MORAL TO THIS STORY: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

[vabuckeye]

Test

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you
see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your
life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate
again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply
answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend
and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give
up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to Think Outside of the
Box."


HOWEVER....
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery; have sex with the perfect partner
on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend
for a few beers.

God I love happy endings.

[vabuckeye]

This one is for Sailhog

NEW YORK—The hundreds of hours of game and practice scouting videotapes that league officials seized from the New England Patriots also include over 100 hours of painstakingly thorough footage of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in the shower, sources within the NFL competition committee confirmed Tuesday.

"We are still investigating whether the assembled shower footage of Brady soaped up and wreathed in steam—which I can personally confirm was in fact taken in the showers of several different NFL-affiliated facilities around the league, and appears to have been shot by head coach Belichick himself—constitutes a violation of league laws or policies," league spokesman Greg Aiello told reporters during a press conference held at the league's Manhattan offices. "It is the opinion of the commissioner and the league that further extensive study is required before any judgment can be rendered in this matter."

"Our investigation continues to focus on any instances of cheating by the New England Patriots, and will continue to focus on cheating no matter how much Brady showering footage we find," Aiello added.

Aiello then displayed a 25-minute composite videotape consisting of representative segments and "highlights" of Brady in the shower.

Analysts agree that the bulk of the shower footage, while certainly unusual in many aspects, seems to have been shot with Brady's full knowledge and cooperation, although Brady does not appear especially enthusiastic. Early footage is also said to include showering quarterback Drew Bledsoe, then the Patriots starting quarterback, and at least 25 minutes of the earliest-known material was evidently shot in the showers at the University of Michigan as Brady was being scouted for the draft.

"Belichick has always been a big believer in spending as much time as possible on film study," said Boston Globe football writer Bill Ryan, who as a regular Patriots reporter was given the opportunity to view outtakes from several of the Brady shower tapes, notably those labeled "Super Bowl XXXVI," "Camp 2002/Skeleton Drills," and "Tuck Rule" before being thoroughly questioned by league officials. "But I didn't know he'd shot so much of it himself. His intensity about it can be kind of frightening."

"To hear Belichick narrating the whole thing, pointing out his quarterback's tendencies, identifying Brady's strong points and the areas where he needs work, hearing his voice as a counterpoint to the sound of the hot running water and seeing that familiar sweatshirt-clad arm cut through the mist to hand Brady his towels—you realize the man has a unique football mind," said Sports Illustrated football correspondent Paul Zimmerman. "If nothing else, the attention to every significant detail definitely makes an impression on the viewer."

Although officials have not divulged whether other Patriots players or even quarterbacks from other teams were featured in their own showering videotapes, Aiello confirmed that the investigation was by no means complete and the total inventory may take weeks to assemble.

"We confiscated thousands of these tapes from the Patriots coaching staff," Aiello told reporters, "and hundreds more tapes showing nothing but opposing teams sending in offensive and defensive signals. It may be some time before we have a complete catalog of what's on them. I can confirm, however, that we will be questioning Mr. Brady at length about his experiences regarding showering and video cameras, and communicating daily with Coach Belichick and team owner Robert Kraft concerning any and all videotaped footage of NFL players, specifically Tom Brady, in the shower. You have my word on that."

Neither Belichick nor Brady would comment on the investigation. The New England Patriots organization did not respond to requests for information, but released a statement Wednesday morning confirming that the league had compensated the team and coach for $750,000 in exchange for the videotapes in question. -The Onion